Questions to Ask a Birthmom

gonnabeadaddy, I would be really careful how much info you give her. Everyone is different though. I was fine to hear the info before my son was born, but after was a whole different story. Before I had the baby I enjoyed going places with the parents. I even help pick out his little outfit he would were at the sealing. But the first few weeks after he was born I hardly wanted to hear anything that had anything to do with them being happy. I really loved hearing about the baby but it was way to hard at first to think of them being so happy. As the months went by and I was able to have a visit, I began to feel more comfortable with the thought of them having all they had dreamed of. At that point I wanted to hear how they bathed him, what he ate, how much he ate, what they liked to read to him, everything! So I think the best thing to do is ask her(if you have that opportunity). Are you going through LDS? I didn't know you were able to send letters before placement? Well best of luck to you. lyra

the idea of finding out info about a birthmom and/or dad to be able to tell a child when they are old enough sounds wonderful to me. I am sure there are birthmoms that do not want any info given, but I bet there are lots that would, if nothing else, love to be asked. A little peace of mind if you will. We can't adopt through the church because my husband isn't LDS :) so frustrating.

the Church Social Services isn't the only "good" place to adopt. There are several agencies that have good ethics and try hard to help everyone and that have their hearts in the right places. I was personally impressed with A Act of Love in Utah---some people say they are too high priced, but today I found out that they have kept down their prices--especially compared to some of the other agencies in Utah who just keep going up and up and up! (The Adoption Center of Choice quoted me $23 or @24,000 for a caucasion baby and at least $17,000 for a biracial---BEFORE any birthparent expenses!!) Even though there are mixed stories about every agency, (can any of us please everyone?) and some stories are soooo true they hurt!, there are babies out there who need their families and we just have to keep searching for them. Adopt an Angel in Utah is great, but not a lot of action moving---A TLC Adoption in Layton, Utah is great to work with if you are looking at biracial or full aa--they have one set price and have some excellent staff members now--I have really been impressed. Keep looking!!

even though i am in a search for my bio mom or dad at the present time........and the fact that i am 50 years old..........at the time i was adopted which was when i was 3 days old , my bio mom gave 2 little pictures of herself to my adoptive mom and wrote 2 letters asking that my adopted mom please never tell me she was a bad person for giving me up.......well i have clung on to those pictures and letters for almost 51 years and i cherish the thought that someday i will find her...........so please, if the occasion arrises, just let the birth mom know that you will tell the baby she was not a bad person but did have her reasons for giving up the child whatever the reason may be,,,,,,,,,and if there is anyway to save a picture of the bio mom to be given to the adopted child at a later date...then PLEASE for the childs sake DO IT!!!!!!!..........all the best to you and yours, may God bless you on your new arrival................written in love, Debbie

debbie, thank you for the post. It is very much in our plans to let our son know who his birthmom is. We have planned this from the very beginning. My wife and I see this as an extension to our eternal family. we will forever be connected. We are just a very open couple and our family as well. Once again, I was touched by your post. gonnabedaddy

Gonnabeadaddy- As a birthmom let me say thank you for seeking advice on how to treat this situation. It shows that you are really interested in the bmom and her comfort level. That is so great! Everyone here has had really helpful suggestions. I wanted my daughter's aparents to want to know me and show interest, because that made me feel like they didn't just think of me as the baby provider. You and your wife seem to be doing that very well! I personally also believe that you should share some of the excitement and planning that you are doing for the baby. It always reaffirmed my decision to see and hear the grins on their faces when they referred to "the new arrival". It reassured me that they really wanted her and they would love her so much! They didn't make me feel sad or pressured by sharing that but instead showed me that they were ready and willing to love her. The way they combined their joy over my daughter with their respect for and desire to know me I think that is what made me the most comfortable. It was like they struck a balance, they didn't make me feel like a temporary fixture and they showed me how much love they had to give at the same time! I know all situations are different, but that's mine. I wish you and your wife the best, and I hope that you receive continual strength and encouragement throughout this process! Jesi

jesi, Thank you for posting. That really made me feel good to know.( I am affraid to use first names on this website for fear that our birthmom is browsing. Is that possible?) my wife and I have been searching for someone to fill in the blanks as to what to write. She has wanted to know what a bmom thinks when we mention to arrival of the baby. You nailed it and I will email your responce to her. What a relief to hear this. From the first day we found out that she chose us, we felt this great connection. There has to be a plan for all of us in this great eternal plan. How could there not? We just started to write to her about our excitement about the baby. My biggest priority is not to offend her or make her feel less of a person. She is the most amazing person and some one I can tell my kids about. We are excited. Was it hard for you to write to the bparents that you choose? Did you set up a face to face with them? Any word of wisdom for us as we prepare for ours? Much thanks gonnabeadaddy

gonnabeadaddy, It really is nice to meet someone who is so involved in what the birth-mother wants. It sounds like you are giong to have a great relationship with her. She is lucky! Are you thinking of having an open adoption?? Adoption is the most wonderful thing! It's also so neat to think about the fact that it was all designed before we came to earth. It is so nice to know that we were all working under the same plan. I am an aunt to 3 adopted children and a birth mom myself. I love it! Adoption has blessed the lives of my sister and her husband, me and the birth mother's of the children and all their families. We are all best friends. It's like I gained 4 more families! It's like this web of LOVE! Everyone is tangled together. It's so weird how adoption blesses so many lives! It the coolest thing! I think we are all blessed to be able to share something so special with each other. Being a birth-mom, the one thing that means the most to me is the knowledge that my son will be raised with worthy parents so he can have an eternal family. That was the one thing that I could not give and that is the one thing that I know he will have. After talking to many LDS birth moms; I think that you can not go wrong if that birth mother knows that you did and are doing all you can to teach the principles of the Gosple to that child. For me it's knowing my son has the chance to be raised with the preisthood. That's the best advice I can give. Oh, and tell her that you love her everytime you talk to her. :):):) Best of luck to you lyra

Gonnabeadaddy- Sorry it took so long to reply! I'm glad that I was able to provide some insight and I hope you and your wife have become a little more settled about everything, now on to your questions... You said in your response to me... "My biggest priority is not to offend her or make her feel less of a person. She is the most amazing person and some one I can tell my kids about. We are excited." If you want my opinion I think sharing that exact statement with her would do a world of good. Share with her how amazing you think she is and how blessed you feel, those are the most wonderful words I could hear you say about her and I'm sure she would love to hear them too! My situation in choosing aparents was a little different. When I found out I was pregnant my father told me about a man he knew and his wife, he told me their story of trying to conceive he told me that they were a really Godly couple and that they had been married for 10 years, after several weeks I decided that I wanted to get to know them better. They lived in Va at the time and I lived in Tx but he was planning on coming down for an interview so we based our meeting around that. To be honest I wanted to not like them when I first met them, I didn't want to think that they could be good enough for my baby. But after spending a couple of hours with them, I couldn't help but like them. I really felt a connection with the amom, she was so loving and so nurturing. They ended up accepting the job in Texas only about 45 minutes away from us. They were originally from Texas so they really wanted to return anyway. We spent some more time getting to know each other they went through the homestudy and all of that and I even stayed with them for a week just to get to know them better. I was nervous that they would judge me and nervous that they thought I was just some dumb girl who got knocked up, but they treated me with respect and even admiration. They kept me updated on how they were preparing and even asked me about what I liked when i was a kid and if I or my parents remembered any books or toys that I really loved. It made me feel like they really wanted to honor my presence in this baby's life. I basically just wanted to know that they would raise her with morals and values and that she would know who I was and that I loved her. And after hearing the way they spoke to and about me I knew they would share all of that with her. Everyone is nervous at that first meeting, my advice to you is don't go into it expecting too much. Present yourselves as you are and give her space to absorb that. This is an enormous decision for her and I believe that you see and can respect that, just make sure she knows that you do. You sound like you really on the right track and I applaud your willingness to receive input. When are you anticipating your first meeting? Will you be there at the birth? How far along is she? I would love to hear more about your situation and to keep up to date on your progress, if you have anymore questions at all ask away!! If you are uncomfortable talking too much on the forum, feel free to email me at matri_520@msn.com. Jesi

I have several adopted siblings, so I have some insight into the questions they ask as they get older. If I ever have the chance to ask a bmom on behalf of a child i hope to adopt, I'd ask at least these questions: *What do you like to do? *What do you like to eat? Are there foods you don't like? *What are your hobbies? Talents? Skills? *Are there family traditions you would like this child to know about? *What did you like or not like about school? *Why did you choose this family to raise this child? *Do you have some funny stories about your childhood that you'd like your child to hear? *What message of love do you have for this child? I guess the biggest thing I saw in my siblings is a yearning to know why they were adopted. The second biggest thing was a yearning to know that they were linked genetically to real and good people. If possible, I'd try to get the same info on the bfather.

i am a possible birthmother. i dont know what kind of adoption you are having. but if its going to be an open adoption you could talk about when the first visit will be and such.

Something we did was present both of our son's birthparents with a jar filled with dozens of slips of paper, each of which had a question written on it. We asked them to pull out a slip whenever they wanted to answer a question in a letter. We want our son to know what kind of people they are. We don't want him to grow up feeling that lack of identity that so many adoptees have who were placed in completely closed adoptions with no information. The questions were similar to what someone posted above from traditions to favorites to most embarrassing moments. Have you ever heard of "Journal Jars?" It was the same concept. We liked the jar idea because they can answer the questions at their own pace without being overwhelmed.

Here is something that I did for my birth daughter. I went through all my pictures of me growning up and made copies. So that my birth daughter will know what I looked like growing up and not just at the time of the adoption. Also I got pictures of all my siblings and their families.

Some thoughts and questions that drifted in my head about my BF. I think it would be cool if and when your child comes upon struggles or turning points in his or her life to pose the event as a question to there BP. For instance: Something scared him/her to tears. You write a question to the BM - What has scared you and how did you get through it.

Ask her questions about her extended family, and ESPECIALLY about the biological father and HIS extended family. Chances are, birthmom will still be around and happy to answer any and all questions when your child is ready to ask them. But there's always a possibility that the birthfather will disappear at some point between now and the time your child is grown up. It seems that many adoptees on this board who are searching and/ or in reunion with their biological families are having a difficult time finding their birthfathers, or even finding any information about them. Ask the birthmother any questions you think your child might later have about his or her b-dad. Her memory for details about him is still fresh at this point... ten or twenty years from now, she may not remember a thing about him... what he's like, what he's good at, what sort of childhood he had, what he looks like, who his family is. Ask her now. Your child will appreciate the information someday. ~Sharon