need reminders why open adopt is right

I can so relate to your story!!!!! Please feel free to email me at moonchild_mom@yahoo.com and I will share my story with you! Hang in there!!! Moonchild Mom

April, Hello. I'm sorry to hear about the problems you are having! I think you are right on by asking that Sam not be around so you can work on your relationship with Sarah. Is it possible that she has a co-dependant or unhealthy relationship with Sam? Sometimes, after relinquishment, a bMom *may* have lower self esteem ..and stay with a guy just cause she doesn't want to be alone. Especially if her friends have left her. Now, that being said ...it isn't your responsibitly to "fix" Sarah or her relationships. Only she is responsible for her choices. Hopefully, seeing the baby without Sam will help. Remember, drawing boudries for your family and yourself is a good idea ..and stick to them. I'm a Birthmom in a very open adoption. I've had visitation with my daughter since her placement four years ago. Now, you asked what is the "normal bMom visit" ..and honestly, that number is different from family to family. In the first two years ..I saw my daughter about every month. Sometimes twice a month. Depends on the holidays. However, the adoptive parents of my daughter are even more open than I am ....so I'm a welcome memeber of their family. Now that I have my own son ..I like to see my daughter every other month. From the earlier visists I saw how loved and cared for she was ...so I don't feel that same "need" to see her so often. I know that I've made the right choice ..and I have peace. I applaud you for being committed to the open adoption ..because really, open adoption isn't about the aFamily or the bFamily ..it is about what is best for the child. Cases where the bFamily has previously abused or neglected a child is a totally different story, of course. I hope you find the answers you need. If you need anything else ...feel free to contact me! If Sarah has internet access ..maybe she can find some resources at my bMom support group: [url]http://lifemothers.tripod.com[/url] Take care, Skye

Well, here's my 2 cents. When our son was born, we went into adoption with our minds and hearts open to his birthmom. Things deteriorated over the first year (alcohol, drugs, promiscuity, etc.). Our private agency offered counseling on many occasions, but she refused. Finally we decided to cut things off as the situation became unbearable. Now, our son is 13, so we have had many opportunities to look back and rethink the situation. We did our best to honor the spirit of open adoption, but when it got to the point that her behavior was affecting the well being of our family, I regret that we did not cut things off sooner. When I think back on my son's first year of life, I see myself shedding so many tears on that little bald head that it is amazing that he has hair! I firmly believe now as I finally realized 13 years ago that we had to put the wellbeing of our family first as our son's wellbeing totally depended on it. Another point-- this really had nothing to do specifically with the fact that this was our son's birthmother-- we would have made the same decision if it had been one of our immediate, bio family members who was doing the acting out...

The last statement is what struck me......it is often difficult to not feel "indebted" to our children's bparents, but we must always remember that it is our children who are important. We must make our decisions based on what we feel is best for THEM. Sometimes that means cutting out contact with Grandma, friend, Aunt, Uncle, Bmom. It is all part of being a parent, at least until our children are old enough to make their own rational decisions. I don't believe that a biological tie is reason enough to put a child in jeopardy , either physical or emotional. JMO

Thanks for all the input. I sat down with Sarah today and we hashed some things out. She agreed with me about everything and apologized. The visits are going to lengthen more starting next month. She's also starting school now (just found out she got into a community college) and she's really excited. She also told me that she does wish she was able to take care of our baby but understands that she's where she needs to be right now. It was wonderful and we both felt a lot better on both sides. This sure is a rollercoaster ride!! I do feel a lot better. A

This is YOUR child. If these people are hurting you, they are hurting the baby. You really are her mom and as much as you may feel indebted to the bmom, your baby needs you to protect her. I was exactly where you are a few years ago. We couldn't have kids and we were introduced to a young mom who wanted to give up her child - she was due within 2 months. We took the girl into our home (and her 15 mo. old son) and were given a beautiful newborn daughter. Then they left to start a new life. We paid for court fines and gave her money to help her out. I had been told that she neglected her son and would give the new baby to the people that would do the most for her. We did give her a lot of money. I also saw the neglect. When they lived with us, she slept all the time. I thought she would resent me taking care of her son, but she wouldn't wake up so I quickly learned how to change diapers - and feed him. Anyway, she starts abandoning him after she moves and the grandparent takes him and refuses to return him. He ends up back with us, but only for 3 mos then bmom calls and comes and gets him again. We had no legal grounds to keep him. I checked with DFCS. A year later she contacts us and asks us to keep him 'til she gets back on her feet. At this time we've found out she's a crack addict. This little boy asks me not to let her come back and get him again. We fight, she's charged with abandonment, and we get to adopt him. That was 3 years ago, he's 8 now. To tell you the truth we didn't even like each other very much in the beginning. He hated me if I just asked him to pick up his toys. I thought he would drive me crazy and even destroy my marriage. He had attachment issues and other problems. The bmom never called about my daughter, but once we had the boy she would call to ask about him. She got pregnant again last year and was caught at the clinic (to get baby's vaccines) for drugs and forced to go to rehab for a year. Now that she's sober, she calls my son all the time. She feels guilt and wants him to give her his forgiveness. She's afraid he'll grow up to hate her. He came to me and told me the calls were bringing up memories of the past and making him sad. I changed our phone number and he's OK with that. She writes to me (very upset) saying she doesn't want to lose contact with him and WHY did I do this? I explain, but she writes again to say she wants him to write and tell her what HE wants. I explain (a little bit for an 8 yr old) and ask him if he would like to write to her. He still loves her, but he said no. He did not want too. He is relieved not to have the burden of her calling and making him feel sad. So, fortunately, for his emotional well being, she has not been able to keep him tied to her( in order to ease her guilt). He does not have to live with the pain of the phone calls anymore. He feels loved, secure and complete with his family. Sometimes bmoms can interfere too much. In the case of our daughter everything was fine. With our son, it wasn't fine. She was calling, saying she loved him and missed him- wanting to ease her guilt, but causing him emotional distress. No child can grow up feeling torn emotionally. I don't think your protective instincts have kicked in yet - maybe you feel the bmom as more rights. It took me 2 years and then my child had to tell me what to do! I spent all my time feeling sorry for the bmom and worrying about her needs! I don't think you need to let the bmom babysit to have "quality" time. The relationship that is important is between YOU , your family and the baby.

Wow Cat, what a story. I really feel for you and what you went through. Our situation wasn't even a fraction of as bad as yours sounded. I was struck by your point that seemed to address feeling entitled to be an adopted child's mother. When we went through the first year of my son's life, we tried so hard to fit his birthmother into our lives because that's what the agency told us we should try to do in an open adoption. Finally, when the stress of the situation got to be so intense, we went for counseling outside the agency, and it was a lifesaver. The problem was, the agency was trying to encourage the "triad" (lovely, if it works for you...), but doing so was destroying me and my husband emotionally. We finally realized that we had to put us and our marriage first in order to provide the stable family our son's birthmother was attracted to in our case to start with. That was when I stopped feeling guilty that I was my son's mother and not her-- after all, this was her choice all along. At that point, I was able to feel entitled to being my son's mother and put him first as it should be. Anyway, your story struck me, and I just wanted to share my thoughts...