Where do you draw the line-open adoption

Boy, that's tough, and I totally sympathize with your concerns. I know you don't want to hurt anyone, and especially impact the open adoption situation which I think is so good for your adopted child, as well as the birthfamily. However, I would set boundaries if I were you. Why are they moving to your CITY?!!! That concerns me right off the bat, but anyway, I think there is a tactful way of discussing this with them (I hope). Since I don't know how comfortable you feel in talking with them, you would have to judge how to choose the right words. But, if all else fails, talk to a Social Worker about this, there are plenty that could offer sound advice. They would totally understand your feelings, I'm sure without jeopardizing your relationship. I would personally establish some time of visitation or calls, whatever, but not allow just total freedom to visit and it almost sounds like they (birthfamily) are somewhat controlling? Anyway, put your foot down softly, and try and help them understand your feelings about it. Good luck!

Thanks for your thoughts. They are both in seperate relationships now that are leading them here. But controlling would be a good description of 1 of the bgm's who has encouraged the bm to move her (I THINK SHE WILL EXPECT MORE) We have a few months before the bm gets here & for the bf it will be after he finishes college...but still I want to be prepared. I really dont see the bm being as much of a problem as I do her mom. But at the same time we have formed a real friendship & I think she thinks I will look out for her daughter since she will be so far away from home & is just 19. I just dont want to close any doors. Also, this was an independent adoption so I really dont want to get a social worker involved. Unless there is one reading this, :) help! Thanks again

I can understand that their moving to your city may make you uncomfortable although if you haven't had any problems in the past, it may be safe to say that it will continue that way. Yes, I think boundries are good and should be set up. What are you & your husband comfortable with? This should be the basis of what type of atmosphere you set up. As for the birth-grandmother, she's not moving there right? Unless I read it wrong, it's just the birth parents so I wouldn't even worry about her control issues. Good luck!! :)

Hello and welcome to the forum. I agree with Joanne, that boundries need to be set up, yet, don't automatically fear the worst. Boundries are healthy and necessary in every realtionship. Also, I live about a half hours drive from my daughter and her parents. I've always had visitation with my daughter and her family from her birth, and things have been going wonderfully. In the next year or two, I may be moving to her town though. Why? Simply because there is a private college I want to transfer to. Actually, I am not comfortable myself with living so close ...just because I don't want anyone to think I want to be around all the time - because I don't. However, if they drop by my place ...I'd fully welcome them. :) I hope everything works out! Skye Board Moderator

when & how do you set boundries? I dont want to have to say anything if I dont have to but at the same time I dont want it ot become a big issue or hurt anyones feelings. How would you want to hear it??

Hello, I don't know your exact visitation schedule before all of this ...but a good place to start is to inform the bParents that you still would like them to call and set up a visit. No "dropping on by" just because you live so close now. Maybe when they move in, send a nice card with a message from you ...and end the message with something like, "It will be great to have you visit, but please do call us first to set up a time and date that will agree with all of our schedules" -- or something similar. This is all just my opinion. Do what works best with you and your family. :) Skye

Mom2001, I have some ideas on your situation. Take what you like, leave the rest. :) My first question to you would be, do you think that the birth parents are moving to your town because they feel they can be an active member in your childs life? And then, if that is the case, are you comfortable with that? If you think that they may be moving to your town to be a greater part of your childs life (either consciously or subconsiously) then I feel you should have the discusion of contact BEFORE they move. That way they won't be moving with expectations that won't be met upon arrival. I think you and your husband need to sit down and have a real heart to heart about what you are comfortable with as far as contact goes. And then maybe step back from what you are comfortable with and set that as the bar. then if you guys extend that some that is great. But you always will have that origional level set that you can fall back on if times get rough or stressful. And never will you be in the position of breaking that commitment. (for example...if you are comfortable with having them over for lunch every Sunday and let them call once a week. Set the commitment for lunch every other Sunday and calls twice a month.) Then I would suggest you go to them with this schedule that you and your husband have come to agreement on. And do so before they move. That way when they get there everyone will know what to expect. I think that it would be reasonable that anyone in this position may feel stressed in this situation. So don't be hard on yourself for your feelings. But deal with them head on so that nothing is left to fester. Good luck. Stormy

I dont think I said they dont have the right to MOVE to our state & city I just want to be prepared..our relationship is extremely open & we have flown to their state many times..but our last visit was rather uncomfoRtable,,,they kept intoducing us just by our 1 names & our daughter as theirs...I dont mind it so much when we are there just want some honest opinions how to handle without hurting ANYONE :) Besides it is more the expectations of the bgm that I am concerned with..

mOm2001, I faced a situation identical to yours 7 years ago. I had a very close open relationship with my then 18 m/o daughter's b/m. She announced she was moving to my very,and I do mean tiny, small rural town and in fact might be buying a house less than a mile from ours. When you live this far out in the country that is very close. This really upset me, although I felt very guilty about my feelings since our relationship had always been good. Whether I was right or wrong I was scared, and even angry. My husband and I discussed it and I decided to talk to her about my feelings. I tried to be very honest and specific, her other bio daughter would be in school with mine, for example, and I felt they would get a lot of questions. She was very understanding, and actually thought my objections were valid. She had never lived in a small town and didn't really think about some of the situations she would be facing.. The point of all this is that we talked openly about this just as we had about other things. She decided to live elsewhere and our relationship was not injured. I don't know about other open relationships but mine has seen a lot of ups and downs. Sometimes I don't want her around , and I feel a real need to have my daughter all to myself. The same is true for her, and she wants to concentrate on her family. We have agreed to accept each other's "back off" signals gracefully. Communication is everything!

I know it will all work out..GOD brought them all into our lives & I just need to chill & let HIM perfect that which concerns me.... I just love the Bparents so much...I dont want to ever hurt them after all they gave us the most precious gift ever! THANKS TO EVERYONE WHO SHARED THEIR THOUGHTS & IDEAS!

Actually the only arrangement we had was to provide pictures once a month for the 1st year & birthdays & special occasions after that ( we also set up a web site with new pics weekly J) There really was nothing about visits. We just have been financially able to fly there to visit(and wanted to) & have done so about every 3-4 months for the last 14 months. I guess that is why I freakedӔ but really not as much about the bm & bf as the some what controlling bgm (whom I still love as well) I am over it & will take it one day at a time. I think part of it is that the bgm is afraid if her daughter moves here that we wont come out there anymore҅not true they will always be a part of all of our lives..I could never deny those who loved her 1ST the same opportunity to watch her grow up. My husband & I are going to write something up that we are comfortable with & go from thereBest of luck to all who have postedŅ..IT IS ALL WORTH IT!

all this for nothing...she has a new boyfriend & has decided not to move after all...but at least now I am more informed & hopefully helped someone else. Have 3 years also now b4 the bf moves out here (maybe) thanks again to all :)