15 year old

Hi Laura, I have been reading this board for quite a while, but I have never posted. I haven't been in your situation, so I can't give you any advice except to do what you are already doing--and that is to educate yourself on what other people have done in your place. What I can do is send you my prayers. Your story touched me, and I felt I had to reach out. Sincerely, Karen

I am not an expert on the subject of adoption but I have done allot of research, when an adoptee is trying to find his/her own identity they are pulled in two directions, one is how he was raised and another is how he thinks he should act (genetically). When an adoptee does not have very much to go on genetically it is even more difficult. Sometimes knowing what the other mother did during her pregnancy might bring on some of what you are seeing. Drug use is not hereditary though addiction is. Perhaps and I am only assuming here he believes that he has bad genetics so he might as well follow in them. (please my own thoughts) love and understanding is what he needs right now, rehabilitation is not going to work unless he wants it to. The right councillor will be able to help him deal with his adoption issues, adoptee's have a difficult time finding out who they really are (identity) He is most likely trying to feel you out... he has been abandoned once and perhaps is deep down really feeling he is not good enough, meaning he is trying to be as bad as he can to see if you too will abandon him. This is were love and understanding comes in. Perhaps he feels he cannot speak to you about his adoption? I lost my son to adoption in 1988 he will be fifteen in July. what your son is going through scares me for what if my son is going through this?. Just a thought but mayhap he would like to know a bit more about his history? Again I am not an expert and these are only my thoughts and feelings, I hope they help Hugs Melissa

Wow, I am so sorry you are dealing with all this, I know how hard it is. I have issues with the comments that adoptees have these identity problems, I am an adoptee and the vast majority of adoptees I know have no such issues. In truth, I probably know more NON adoptee who have had identity issues, especially as teens. You ovbiously love your son, that isn't an issue that I can see. The very first and foremost thing here is to keep him safe and ALIVE! Drugs kill, as well you know. Rehab rarely starts out as what a person wants, but quite often, as time and sobriety go by, things begin to fall into place. My husband and I joined an organization called "Tough Love" when my daughter began acting out at 13. We needed to learn effective parenting, and we did. She was later diagnosed as having a personality disorder. She is now 25 and will tell anyone, in no uncertain terms, that the very strict boundries and very consistant parenting that we used are 100% responsible for her being alive today. She wasn't making the right choices, and sometimes the reasons aren't as important as stopping the behaviors. There is plenty of time to delve into the reasons later. First the kid has to get and stay clean, whatever it takes. Please fell free to pm me if you would like, I do understand how hard this is! Love, Debi

LOL, everyone has indentity issues, adoptee and non adoptee, why do you think teenagers are the way they are, it is not all about hormones. While a teenager is struggling with who they are and how they come to be an adopted teenager has the added adjustment of being adopted, a child reared in a biological home is not the same as raising an adopted child. I was speaking to my mother after I posted here (my mother is a councillor for addiction) I asked her what she felt about this subject, she stated that when a teenager is in addiction it is more difficult for them to accept that they have a problem with addiction, teenagers tend to think they are invinsible. The possibility of your son being an addict in life is doubtful, especially when you are right there with him supporting him to whatever extreme. But in no way can you force him into rehabilitation. yes he is a child so to speak, but he doesnt feel that he is, therin lies your problem. Tough love doesnt work with every child, especially one who is adopted, sometimes tough love is the same as abandonment (which your son most likely fears but at the same time wants) My thoughts are with you as you go through this tough time. Remember love and understanding builds good sons Hugs Melissa

If there continues to be such an emphasis on the adoption angle of everything, all that happens is that a scapegoat is created. Toughlove is a parenting technique. There is absolutely no abandonment involved, the opposite is true. It require MUCH more active parenting, as a child acting out like your son, obviously needs. Not all kids are cookie cutter kids. His adoption does not necessaraly have anything to do with his behavior, although his genetics DOES. It IS possible to control these behaviors. It requires much hard work and hands on, not some silly sentiments. Please try to get advice from people who have actually dealt with this, as parents. Not book learning, or friend of a friend stuff. This is way too serious to believe that love will cure it. That is a trap that has killed many kids who act out in this way. If you didn't love him, you wouldn't be asking for help, right? So obviously that hasn't helped to date. The saying is that : If you continue to do what you always have done, you will continue to have what you always have had. The basis of toughlove is that, "Creating strong boundries can precipitate a crisis. From CONTROLLED crisis can come positive change" There is nothing even remotely resembeling abandonment. This is a statement made about toughlove often, by people who have absolutely no experience of knowledge about the program. You have to be willing to really parent, and it is hard. People who speak of love and trust are avoiding the realities of teenagers. they NEED structure and boundries, some more than others. Your son has demonstrated what he needs, it is now a matter of determining how to go about getting it to him. Love, Debi

Tough Love is a great program and may be able to provide you the support you need to help your family. Drugs can cause otherwise good people to make bad decisions. A good drug program with a life goal focus might be helpful, also.