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Ok, heres the deal. I have happily been reunited with my 23 year old son for about 9 months. In that time he has gotten engaged to a wonderful girl. The wedding is in November. I really have not had ANY contact with his adoptive parents. He no longer lives at home. When we were first reunited I sent them a letter offering to open up the lines of communication. No response. I sent them a Christmas card. Again...No response. My son and I have gotten very close, and our reunion has been story book perfect. Especially in the beginning, I was EXTREMELY mindful of their feelings in all this, but after being ignored, I basically have given up trying to read minds and am just taking my lead from my son who just cant seem to get enough of his newly discovered family.
So when all the wedding planning started it became quickly apparent that the kids and my future daughter in laws family needed some financial help with the wedding. Having the means, I have gladly offered them some help. This help has been greatly appreciated by my son and his fiance and her family (who have greeted me into their home with open arms). But I am hearing through the grapevine, that my mere PRESENCE at the wedding is highly resented by his parents, especially the father. And my 2 children (his 1/2 brother and sister) are IN the wedding. Im not sure how to smooth things over. I deeply respect his parents, but my loyalty and commitment lies with my son. He says he wont have the wedding without us. I guess I should just leave it to him to deal with his parents, but I dont want there to be any tension at the biggest day of their lives. Any ideas on what I can do to make peace with them? But dropping out of his life again is NOT an option.
Thanks all, Laura
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Laura, I'm by no means an expert since I've never been through what you're experiencing now... and there will be lots of people who will disagree with what I have to say but I'm used to flying solo ;-)
I bet his parents have received your letters and your cards but didn't know how to appropriately respond or appropriately deal with their emotions (of which they have plenty, you can be sure).
I think at his age (23) he should be more than capable of making his own decisions and having his own relationship with you - independent of his parents feelings on the issue of his relationship with you that has been and is developing.
If it were me, I would send them another letter stating your thoughts, emotions, position, etc, in a calm, rational, mature manner (sounds like you should be able to handle that part based on your post). I think it would be most respectful to let them know where you're at and what you're willing to do (i.e. respect for them, meet them halfway, etc). They may never respond but at least you will have put it out there - the ball will be in their court and you'll know your motivations were above board. I'm a very direct, straight-forward, "tell-it-like-it-is" kinda person and appreciate when I know where others are coming from. I may not agree with them but I can respect that a lot more than deceit and/or falsity.
Good luck - oh, and congrats on the good relationship!
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