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My best friend was apprehended as a child,along with her two siblings, beginning at the age 1.5 finally adopted at 8. four years ago she recieved her adoption/foster files. She is a very strong person and does not open up, tonight she did. she wouldnt let me leave her house without her papers to read, even though I told her how uncomfortable I was to read them without her, for tonight she told me stories that no child should have to live through. I took them but am chosing not to read them. This is the very first time I have seen my friend cry, we have been friends for over eleven years. I know that she is moving in the right direction to councilling (she never sought that out before) I am very supportive of her, I let her talk tonight without me saying a word. She was so very angry at her bio mother, and her first nations heritage. I am thankful I held my words for usually I try to justify, I believe my love for her is why I chose to stay quiet. Can anyone suggest to me how I can best help and support my friend. She is no longer talking to her adoptive mom because she couldnt care for her son and asked his father to take him. She is yearning for her mother (meaning her adoptive mother) and also wanting answers from her bio mother. She now has her son back and is such a wonderful mother. Does anyone have any suggestions? Should I contact her mother (adoptive) and tell her what is going on? My heart hurts for her and I have no idea how to help for I dont know much about children who have been aprehended (she was aprehended because of neglect and abuse) She feels that those papers are her life, she feels that it is all her fault, how can I make her understand that those were bad people she wasnt bad? Is there any books that I can give her to help her?
Hugs
Melissa
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Sometimes listening is the best thing a person can do to help someone else. She may have asked you to read the files to help her feel like there was someone in the world that could really know her. Maybe ask her again in a few days if she still wants you to read them.
Most of my children were adopted between 8 and 10 and saw more horror in their young lives than most of us could imagine.
It really brings out alot of trust issues and alot of times there is friction between the child and the amom because of this. I have a son I dearly love that because of his inability to cope with his past, cannot love me back or allow himself to be loved. I would not contact the amom without your friends consent.
This is a tough situation. It's good that she has you to talk to even if it's tough for you to hear.
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Melissa,
Keep doing what you are doing -- being there for her. She obviously trusts you deeply to share something that is so horrific for you to hear, let alone know that she has been through it.
I agree with lucy joy that I would not go to her adoptive mom unless she has asked you to do so. She is confiding in you right now and although you may feel like you are not of any help, I am sure that it is comforting to her to know that there is someone out there that she can confide her innermost secrets to.
Many times people just need a listening ear. Be aware of her moods and be there for her. If you need to cry or vent in private because what she has gone through is so horrible, you can do that, too, for you need to deal with your emotions as well.
I would support her decision to seek counseling, and just be there for her. Keep your chin up and thanks for being such a wonderful friend to her!!!
Best to you and your friend,
Karen F