birthfathers wife

My husband (of 40 years) told me last summer about wanting to search for his daughter. I have been trying to be very supportive and help in any way. I believe that it has brought us even closer together. In early January the caseworker called him and told him that she had found the daughter. He is writing letters at this point, but has not had a reply from the daughter, which is hard. However the caseworker told us about a medical problem with her pregnancy, which may be the cause of no reply. I have been researching all the boards, trying to find out as much as possible about reunions, etc. but there isn't much help for the spouse. Hope it helps to know, you're not alone....

My husband finally got to speak to his 19 year old daughter. We have wanted to communicate with her for years. However due to the fact that her mother did not tell her that my husband was her biological father, our efforts to meet her or communicate with her were in vain until just recently. I have always known that my husband had a daughter that he could not see or communicate with. I have always been supportive and was actually the one who originally tried to make contact. I guess you can say that I just helped him do what he always wanted to do. However, when contact was finally made I started experiencing feelings I did not know were there. I also felt some insecurity, but quickly put those feelings to rest. My husband and I have a great relationship. I was never able to have a child of my own due to medical issues but my husband and I together adopted a little girl who is now 7 1/2. We got her from birth so we were able to share parenthood and raise a child as though I gave birth myself. Our daughter knows that she is special because she is adopted. Sometimes I think that maybe that was the root of my insecurity. That somone else was able to give him what I never did. I don't question Gods sovernity. He chose to bless my husband and I with an adoptive daughter whom I love and would never trade for anything in this world. She is so precious to us both. I have just come to terms with the fact that this is the way our life was outlined for us to live and although my husbands heartache is not over because now we must wait until his daughter Tavia initializes the reunion. I stand in full support of him and know that God will bring us all together soon. I will end with this. "As we wait upon the Lord, he shall renew our strength, we shall mount up with wings of eagles, we shall run and not grow WEARY, we shall walk but not FAINT" Irma

Irma, As a birth mom I wanted to say how refreshing you post was. It is truly the mark of a strong and loving relationship when you can put aside your own fears and insecurities and go forward with what is best for the family as a whole. My husband initally reacted to our reunion with apprehension and a bit of jealousy. Now realizes how much baggage was lifted from my shoulders he didn't even know I had been carrying. You obviously have been perceptive enough to see the effect his missing child has had on him. When you have additonal children, like your dear little girl, sometimes your mind can't help but sadly drift to "what might have been's" with you imagine all your children together. Whether the relationship with the adoptee blooms or fizzles the wound left by living with the unknown starts healing. That can't help but benefit the family as a whole. It sure did ours. Trish

As a birthmother that just told the birthfather this past Wednesday that he has a 22 year old son, my heart goes out to you, the last thing I wanted to do was disrupt the bdad's life, however I felt that it was better that I be the one to tell him, than to have his bson show up at the door one day, my biggest concern is the bdads wife, I in no way want to make her feel uncomfortable, I'm not sure how she feels, but I can only imagine and I have to be honest, I kept my sons birth a secret for 20 years and at the time my reasons for not telling the bdad were justified, however people change and I felt I owed him the truth and I also felt that I owed myself the freedom from this secret and to do that, I had to tell the birthfather. My son's birthfather has been great, he understands why I did not tell him, his wife is adjusting as he puts it, but the best part, he is interested in his bson, but he is willing to take it slow and see what develops and not only that, he was concerned about me and what I went through all those years ago and if I'm okay now, I was blown away by this, but people do change and I do not regret telling him the truth after all these years. All my best to you and your family, Lewey