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I am an adoptive parent with two children from LDS Social Services. We have a daughter (21 in April), and a son (16 in June).
My daughter found her birth parents after searching for about 6 years. The biggest problem for us was - and still is - the fact that she won't talk to us about any of it. She didn't tell us she was looking for her bmom, even though we had always said we would help her if she ever wanted to do so, until 2 months after she had contacted her. We were always open with both of our kids about their adoption. We told my daughter she was adopted, gave her all of the information we had at the time of her adoption, including a letter from her adopted mom when she was 8 years old. (We don't have that much information about our son, but we have given him everything we had.) We have always been supportive, but I would be lying if I said I wasn't hurt when I found out. Not so much because my daughter found her natural parents, but because she didn't tell us she was looking.
There are a lot of other issues involved in this - aren't there always? She had been doing some very self-destructive and hurtful things right about the same time she found her bmom & bdad. That was more of a concern for us than the discovery of her bmom. She is in counseling now - and it seems to be helping. As we look back now, we feel she probably suffers from Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD), but there's not a lot of information out there about the condition, so it's not all that helpful to know that.
One of our biggest difficulties results from the fact that my daughter's bmom & dad live by a very different value system than we do, which has complicated the situation for us. It's not so much that her bmom tells our daughter that it's OK to do things that are self-destructive - although she tells her she will take her partying, drinking, and gambling etc. It's the fact that she doesn't tell her NOT to do those things. We have discovered that she never felt that she was truly "active" in the church, although that is the impression we got when we first adopted our daughter - from the letter she wrote to us and to our daughter. We had always hoped that she had resolved things spiritually in her life, but she has had a very troubled life.
Does anyone out there have a similar situation or can you give us any advice about this? How do we support our daughter without seeming to agree with the bmom - or, even worse for our daughter, seeming to be judgemental of her bmom? Our daughter is struggling with her own testimony and has stopped going to church. We simply don't know how best to help her at this point.
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I wish that I could tell you that everything is going to be fine, but I can't.
I can't imgaine the pain that this situation has caused you and your family.
My God-Mother's son was adopted. He was 18 months old when they got him and his biological family is full of ppl addicited to one thing or another. My God-Mother says that you have to let them find the family and hope that you raised the child right.
Best of luck to ya
~niece~
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My daughter is actually doing a bit better. The best thing we did was discover what she was doing and insist that she get some help. I think she's got some hard times ahead of her for the rest of her life, but, hopefully she will eventually remember who she is and allow the atonement to work in her life. That's her best hope!:)
I know this book suggestion will be way late, but it was an eye opener to me, and maybe it will help you understand your daughter better:
Twenty Things Adopted Kids Wish Their Adoptive Parents Knew
by Sherrie Eldridge
I finished it in one day, could not put it down, it was so interesting. I wish you the best of luck, and remember that no matter how hard we try, free agency is still necessary, and somewhere in her the teachings you gave her will be forever.
I found it as well as Nancy Verrier's book The Primal Wound. This book helped me understand things from my daughter's perspective better than anything I've ever read. She IS doing much better, but this is something she's going to have to deal with her whole life. If there is anything that I think should be done through LDS Social Services it would be to deal with some of the struggles that adopted children experience more realistically.
One little note - agency isn't free - there's a price for every choice! Sometimes it's a good price, but sometimes it carries a very high cost! Moral agency is a good and necessary part of the plan of salvation, and a great blessing, but it's definitely not FREE!:)