generous and grateful birthparents

March 2, 2003

We are blessed with an open adoption that has become more open since our daughter's birth three years ago. We have several visits a year and they often include family of the birthparents. We visit at their home and at ours. We enjoy the visits and they get easier, but each one has some anxiety.

Two items I would like perspective on:

- We have apprehension at times about developing rituals and increasing expectations because we know there may be times when they can not be met. Celebrating a holiday now may be great, but we worry about setting up the expectation that this will always be the case. We may determine at some point we can not sustain the visits as it may not be in the best interest of our daughter. Thoughts on this?

- They are very generous in gift giving. We really appreciate the gifts and know they want to give presents that will be memorable, but it is awkward. They give grander gifts than we do for our own daughter. A gift for her third birthday brought tears to our eyes as it was something we always envisioned buying for her. I feel like I need to ask them to minimize the giving but don't want to take away their joy in giving either. Thoughts on this?

Thanks,

Sheiila

jadynsmom

March 22, 2003

We have a situation in which our bmom buys clothes for our baby girl every few weeks. It's nothing substancial, so it may not compare to what you are experiencing, but I thought you may appreciate someone else's views on a similar situation.

As far as the visits go, I would agree that you don't want to establish a pattern in case you decide that one year you would prefer to spend that time on your own. So maybe you can break out of the holiday routine by suggesting a non-event (i.e. holiday, birthday, etc.) time to visit. Then you etablish a break in the routine without breaking the expectation of a visit.

I am thankful for the relationship we are developing with our bmom, even though my husband is a little weirded out by it. I am hoping it will make it easier for our daughter to deal with her adoption knowing that she was not abandoned, but that her bmom gave her up out of love and wanted to continue to be part of her life in some way. We are hoping to foster this relationship so that it still exists when she is old enough to understand the situation. So as far as the gift giving goes, although you may feel put off by the gifts they give, you may just want to deal with that internally.

I read so many posts on this board where bitterness and anger are prevelent and I thank God every day that I am not part of these situations. Anything I can do to make our bmom deal with her situation better, I am more than willing to do. She has given us the most wonderful gift in the world and nothing I can do or say will ever compare. So if she gets joy out of sending gifts, then I don't want to take that away from her on any level. I don't even tell her that she shouldn't feel obligated to send us anything. She enjoys it and that's good enough for me.

In the end, if you are uncomfortable with the situation to the point that it is affecting your relationship with your child, then it is time to speak up. But if it is just awkward, you may just want to keep between the two of you and allow the gift giving to continue. Although you may have had it in mind that you would give her certain gifts, you are the ones giving her something no object can replace. She may enjoy the gifts, but they can't compare to your love.

I hope my perspective on this helps your situation.