Adoptees who suffered any form of abuse from afamilies or never bonned with them.

Debi,Thanks for your post. You're right we have to learn our triggers, and how to handle or cope with them. I know that's how it is with Ptsd, so it would be the same with anyone who has triggers. How we defend ourselves ( fight or flight responce) is learned and the negative ways can be unlearned.Maybe I should post a questionare on the PTSD site.

Hi Rayma, Never been diagnosed with ptsd. More often then not it seems like i ramble on in therepy while my ever so attentive therapist listens. She really doesn't say much. Every now and again she will pop up and say ..."seems like you have alot of issues"......DUH..lol. Thinking its time to find a different therapist. Being a military spouse my options are quite limited. I am trying to find a local support group, but haven't been so lucky yet. Maybe I should consider starting one. Talk with you later Dawn

In my experience ...yes. I was sexually abused by my older brother. He is also my amoms first biological son. when it all came out my adad who was a sherriff reported it to the local authorities while my amom convinced me that if kept on telling people about this they would take me away from her and I would lose another family. my adad went thru all the correct procedures. but could that have been easier for him because my older brother was not biologically his. I always thought my amom believed me, until about a year ago when she called social services on me to get custody of my daughter I told them about the abuse and her first response was, "oh Jodi there was never any proof." Then later in court she went so far as to saying that I tried to come onto him. I was 12 he was 19. Whats really messed up is that after I came out with the abuse at the age of 12 it took her 6 months to place me outside the home, and 2 months after that moved him back in the house. I spent ages 13-17 in institutions, placements hospitals or on the streets. While he slept comfortably at home with mom still supporting her adult son. why the hell did she adopt me in the first place.

Jo, I don't understand people like that, but it was my experience too. My amom's much older retarded son was allowed to abuse me in any way he wanted. When I complained I got beat. He never got into trouble. Why did she get Me? She told me that the only reason she took me was so I would take care of her and her retarded son for the rest of there lives. She had other childern, her youngest was 10 yrs older than me. I guess she didn't want to burdon them, and she felt that I owed her for "raising" me. I was not raised, I just grew up. I was never taught anything except fear.These kind of people don't deserve to have childern, let alone to adopt.The reason that she got you out of the house and your afather's statement should have been enough to keep her from getting your child. I hape she didn't get your baby.Take care and keep on being a strong deterined woman. We are here for you if you need to talk.

A few minutes ago I was looking through my boyfriends daughters backpack. I stumbled upon a torn piece of paper from a writing assignment she was doing and I guess messed up on. but the one piece I read said this.... "I think I already told the world, But no one even answered" How fitting.....ironic. She's 10 Thank you for allowing me to vent... yes my mother did get custody of my daughter and the courts did say my older brother was not to be around my daughter unsupervised and he couldn't reside in the house. What sucks is that because I have so much anger toward my mother I don't visit my daughter because she adores my mother and I would hate for her to be hurt in any way by sensing the tension between my mother and I

Dawn,A good therapist lets you talk and asks questions to help you think about what your saying and it keeps you on the subject, so you can deal with that issue.I had a therapist who only wanted to talk about when I was in Korea even tho I had told him that my ptsd was from childhood abuse. The VA had already dianosed me with ptsd. But because I lived so far away and could not get to the VA every week for therapy, they recomended that I see someone close to where I lived. This therapist was in was in distance. After I moved closer to a VA I got a good therapist. Who realy helped me.Ask your therapist why he lets you ramble, he may just be trying to get an idea of where you are coming from, if you are a new patient. If he gives you a good answer, ask if you have ptsd. A lot of therapist don't know what the letters stand for so you will have to tell him. I asked my bad therapist why Korea was all he wanted to talk about. He said that he thought that my ptsd was from the Army and was trying to form a foundatation for my therapy. But due to the fact that I had already told him that my ptsd was from childhood abuse, I didn't feel that he was the therapist for me. Because he didn't lession in the first place. And as soon as possable I moved closer to the VA so I could get help. I am well on my way to being a triver.I will post a questionare on the pstd board in a few days. But you do sound like you have ptsd.

Jo, If your dtr doesn't see you she will think that you don't love or want her. And your amom may be playing on that.If you don't have visiontation rights fight for it. And due to the anamosity request that the exchange done in a nutral place, some choose the police department.Durning your visit, talk about anything except you amom. Reasure her that you love her and you want he t live with you because you love her.Keep good records, of when you visit and her condition, wheather or not you have to get her medical and/or psological care. Even tho you don't ask or say anything about your amom, doesn't mean that she wont tell you what is going on. As long as she's safe, don't interfear. But write it down. Always keep dates and times, what's said or done, etc...While you are doing that you can patition the courts to get her back. But a long as you don't visit you will not get her back.Do what you feel is best for both of you.Rayma

Jo, I wanted to write back to you yesterday, but found myself at a loss for words when I read your posts. I am appalled by how adoptees are treated by those who chose them. It makes one wonder why there are no follow-ups or home studies done within the household after a child is adopted. Not only that....how much of a backround check is done on those wanting to adopt. Of course people have a talent for behaving like they think others want them to behave...so would it really matter. As for your daughter....I lost custody of my 3 oldest boys several years back, to my mother and ex husband. They banded against me in any way that they could. My ex husband was stationed in Korea at the time and had my mom and dad handle everything on this end. I lost custody without a hearing as my mom and dad were good friends with a particular judge. He granted them everything that they wanted, including a restraining order against me. I lived right next door to my a-parents and couldn't even tell my kids I loved them through the fence without my a-parents calling the cops because I had violated the restraining order. I , thank God, eventually got them back. It took alot to get them. Finding a good judge and attorney who would listen was the hard part in the case. I know how hard it is to visit your daughter while she is with your mom, but you must. If necessary arrange for your daughter to be picked up somewhere besides your moms house. I had to do that, and believe me it helped with the tension. Take every advantage you have to see her and tell her how much you love and miss her. Document EVERYTHING, every phone call, visit. I bought a notebook just for that and had dates, times, and events that happened in it. It helped tremendously in court. I want you to know that I use the word "mom" where yours is concerned lightly....she doesn't seem to be much of one. Sorry if that comment was offensive in any way. Take care sweetie. It will all come out and work out one day. Hold on to that girl of yours with everything you have. Love and Prayers Dawn

Everybody,I have started a new thread under "General Adopion Issues" (the subtopic) called "Persosonal Bill Of Rights".I told Debi that I whould post it for everyone. I thought that more people whould read it if it was not posted here, so I chose to start another thread. Check it out.

First I would like to thank you all for your words of encouragement. It means a lot to know that there are others who have gone through the same things. As for fighting for my daughter... I have already had my rights taken. The only way I can visit with my daughter is if my mother and daughter want to and with all **** my daughter has been fed about me...my amom says my daughter wants nothing to do with me. So I will just wait until she grows older and begins to put her own puzzle of life together. That part I can deal with...kind of. What is harder for me to bare is how much of me that woman (amom) can rip me apart anytime we speak. Our last phone convo ended with me crying uncontrollably begging her not to hang up. Telling her I would change the subject we could talk about anything she wanted just please don't hang up. It's the first time in a long time i put my stubborn, blaming, and angry attitude aside. I let my guard down and cried out needing her to just this once be my mother......to which she responded no i got things i gotta do and hung up. 5 minutes later I finally hung up my end of the line and cried my self dry. am i just feeling pitty for myself? How can I deal with this without killing the little bit of life I have in me? I just hope my daughter doesn't suffer the same relationship with her as I have She adores her now...but what about later....

Jo,I would suggest councling, but didn't you say your in councling? When your dtr gets older she will start to see that she has been lied to and will resent your amom for what she did. I know, I went through that. That and the abuse made me hate her...Even tho I have not physaly met my bmom yet, I fill a real bond between the two of us. As if part of me has been restored. The bad stories I was told about her doesn't matter anymore. She's my mom and nothing will ever change that.Your dtr should have the same revalation about you. She is going to want to know the truth eventally. Just don't tell her anything that she's not ready to hear yet.Where your cilival rights valiated in order to take your dtr? If so the A.C.L.U. (American Civil Liberties Uniun) may still be able to help. They are free and they have their own lawers to fight for you.

Lynn,I'm sure she doesn't blame you, you did what you thought was best.I did have a problem with my amom for a long time but only because she picked out my afamily personly. I felt that if she couldn't keep me, she should have given me to a better family. But I learned to forgive her in therapy for post truamaic stress disorder from childhood abuse. I learned that even tho she chose my family that didn't mean that she know how they realy were. So you see my problem with my bmom was only that SHE chose THEM. I was able to forgive her during my therapy. After talking to her I understand better. She was divorced with 6 children already when she got peranant with me. She culdn't take care of the children that she already had, so she was afraid that I whould die under those conditins. Also, so much time had passed that she couldn't tell people that I was her ex's. It whould not have worked anyway, he's nataive american/mexican. And all of their children are dark and I'm about as pale as someone can get - we're white. It was common practice back then to find someone to raise a child for you that you could't keep. The agreement was that she could see me once a week and could have me back when she got on her feet. She did visit me until my amom moved away and she couldn't find me. All my amom had to do was say that she found me on her doorstep to claim me. With no DNA back then there would have been no way to prove who was my mom. My bmom asked around for refernces on who whould be a good person to give me to. And my amom was highly recomended. So she went to meet her, she seemed to be a good mother and was willing to raise me. They became good friends, so my bmom thoght that she had found a good home for me under her conditions.The problem was and still is - some crazy people can act normal for awhile. Then others get more and more crazy as they age. The family I was given to had a lot of crazy people in it. And my amom got carazier as she aged. Her youngest bio-child was ten years older than me.So my bmom was decived and I never felt like I belonged in that family even befor I was told that I was adopted. In fact I told my amom that I wasn't her dtr before I found out that I was adopted. I never wanted to be one of THEM, and I was glad to find out I was adopted because it meant that I wasn't REALY one of them after all. I was in the first grade at the time.Yes, aparents should be told that a baby has inharited personality traits from their bparents. And aparents should be aware that some aparents abuse their adopted parents. Adoption is now a big buisness and how many whould put their babys willingly up for adoption if they knew the truth. Not as many I'm sure. And if the potental aparents know that the baby's mind was not a"clean slate" and that they can't mold the child into what they want. How many would change their minds about adopting? I don't think very many at whould, all they are thinking about is how much they want a health baby. Of course there are some who take the babys or children who are concidered "unodoptable" and are very good parents.We have to remember that adoption is like a crap shoot, you don't know what you're getting. On eighter side.There deffently needs to be changes in the laws about adoption, but I don't have the answers.I wounder how many adoptees are out there who have been abused and are not talking about it. If these adoptees don't speak out, how would anyone ever now how much it is going on.Thanks for sharring, and I hope every thing goes well for both of you.Rayma

By stating that "Abused adoptees are not a minority", you are in fact saying that abused adoptees are a MAJORITY. I respectfully disagree with this statement. While abuse unfortunately does happen in both biological and adoptive homes, I fail to see any evidence that abuse happens in the MAJORITY of EITHER biological or adoptive homes. While SOME aparents MAY adopt as they fail to "fully grieve their loss of fertility and seek to adopt to complete and fix them, they are often unprepared to put the child first and end up disappointed", MANY aparents adopt as they want to help a child that does not have parents able to care for the child, and a home, as well as this is another way to create a family. I think far less aparents approach adopting a child as "go about adopting children as if they were getting a new puppy and when the novelty wears off, oh well . . .". Most aparents really go through effort and heartache before they actually adopt a child and bring it into their home. They have a strong desire to have a child and most have a clear concept, in my opinion, that it is more involved than getting a new puppy. Personally, I think to many people minimize what is involved in getting a puppy which is why shelters are so full of neglected poor animals, but that's another story. In my personal experience, I have seen this casual attitude in several teenage mothers that kept their children instead of making a plan of adoption. They had this perception of having a baby to love and play with like a doll, and when the reality hit that this was not all "fun", it was, unfortunately to late for the child. While the system is not fool proof, aparents do go through home studies, evaluations and have to prove many things before they are considered "able" to be parents. While some may fall through the cracks, I wonder how many biological parents would sail through such close scrutiny before being told they were "able" to be parents.

There IS an extra component in abused adoptees. In fact a few. One is that the agency has the opportunity to screen the parents better. Serious health issues that could leave the less appropriate aparent alive and in charge could be addressed. Some families, especially nonimmediate family members such as aunts, uncles, cousins think that it is not incest to molest adoptees. Some don't include the adoptees in family traditions (visits to Granny, etc) because they aren't really family. Some get isolated out for the purpose of inheritances by aunts and uncles, and others. Adoptees ALWAYS hace the component of (in abusive afamilies) having the fact they are adopted thrown up at them that other kids don't have. Aparents should screen the rest of their families, to be sure their kids will be accepted before they adopt. Perhaps the agency should do that by law. And, yes, many afamilies adopt for less than loving reasons. In Clovedale, the amom was a serial killer, with Munchausen by proxy syndrome. She was "showcased" on TV as the perfect Mom, loving and altruistically adopting disabled kids. All the while slowly killing them herself. (She's in prison now) Some people adopt to get praise, tax breaks, help around to house, senior care, to BE loved. Some adopt to love, the only good reason. I hope rayma DOES NOT take care of any of her rotten family and gets her own life with people who will be uplifting and true friends and family. Create your own family of good people.

Hi i just woke up and need my Adoption.com junkie fix It seems to me that it is well overlooked that we are forgetting that we are animals so to say, creatures of this earth. From all i have gathered in my time, consciously and unconsciously it seems to appear naturally that abuse will occur. Sure it is very much a shame, yet who here does not abuse themselves at times? In a pack of omnivores there naturally are urges which may be hardwired by instincts and hormonal programming. One of those urges that seems most interestig to me is when there is a limited amount of free stuff placed in front of people, they go wild and grab selfishly. This happens everywhere from elementary classrooms with cupcakes to our globe in history and conquering powers. It has really depressed me in the past and present to watch these occurances. I do not blame my occurances of abuse on anything but myself and i have been on both sides of the fence. Something had shocked me into logically redefining abuse in my mind from the new information i had recieved in a behaviour course. That redefinition now includes emotional and mental aspects as well as the withholding of ones self. Where am i going with this?? I clicked on POST REPLY just to share a mental flash i had regarding this topic from the perspective of theoretical genetics. Is it not natural to assume that there is a limted amount of positive energy a parent can give. Shall the recievers not naturally thrive and exponentially expand as the others get left in the dust. Just as the whimp of the litter lacks milk and loses the abilities to compete. And is it not natural for a parent to look after themselves and then their own? To expand past this is that realm of selflessness which has touched my sensitivities every time i had heard of these stories. Reaching and working to expand this beyond natural tendencies is definitly a commendable task. Abuse is natural and jungle type survival skill, setting examples for all the other monkeys to see and fear. Abusiveness is there all the time inside all of us is it not? The other day i told a bus driver that 'you guys should get your s... together', the day before i gave a driver the finger. I will not get into the particulars of the situatons but as all abusers do i felt justified, this is a sad fact. Over and over i was abused as a child i was told it happened because they loved me. Emotional confusing even to this day. Later in life i absorbed the information that abused people will become abusers, and that scared the heck out of me and i still to this day refuse to have kids of my own cause i don't want to ever be responsible for abusing a child and go to jail. I know that this may seem outrageous to those who do not understand. Yet as above the data that 'abused people will oneday become abusers' has recently become something that I now presently shun. Not accepting this data anymore is helping me take responsibility for my own actions. I can feel myself grow with this and every life aspect that i hold myself responsible for. I am in no way saying that a child is ever responsible for the abuse they suffer from an adult, no matter what the behaviour of the child may be at those times. But me personally, now as an adult, I find it a great help to not blame the past. Yet i do know that the past has huge influences on today but i try and try to fight it and accept that i am responsible for me and my actions. This somehow also allows me to, here and there, to remember to accept responsibility for the good things which happen to me also. And my esteem is almost back up to sea level after years and years of being underwater. ... As a child i would have loved to recieved a call from the adoption agency to ask me how things are doing. As for any legislation, where does all the money go for the agencies?? Into the pockets of human traders??? It sickens me that the costs are so high and there is no followup. This money should go to family education and follow up. Various stages of growth for the child and family can be introduced and educated to them by good professionals. Trouble spots pointed out by the children can be addresssed. Lots can be done in these areas. Even mandatory subscription to sites like this for the kids to be allowed to express and learn of others in the same positions. Who knows what others think, mountains can be moved. Good thread, helping to find solutions is very commendable. Colin