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How do you know whether the negativity and unpleasant attitudes are related to adoption issues or just typical preteen behavior? We adopted our daughter, now 11.5, just 2.5 yrs ago and went on a mini-vacation for the weekend this past weekend. Her homeschool choir was performing at a famous landmark and we decided to build a fun weekend around that event. Well, EVERY SINGLE THING we chose to do, many suggested by her, was made as unfun as possible by her. She whined and sulked and complained and even walked along crying because she didn' t like the restaurant or the shopping or the sights to see. She decided the pool at the hotel looked like fun and that was all she would cheerfully agree to. (She did get to swimming each night for a couple of hours when we got back to the hotel). At the performance, my best friend from jr high and her family came. I had not seen them in 10 years and we were both so excited for our families to meet. Her children and my 2yo were so friendly and pleasant. My eldest daughter refused to shake her hand or even acknowledge her. When I tried to encourage her to speak to her, she said...."Yeah, whatever"
She comes from a very negative, unhealthy emotional background and we are trying so hard to bring some positive attitudes into her life...for all of our sakes, including that of her 2yo sister. She instead sulks and plays the martyr and is set on making everyone so miserable that we give up and go home. What do we do? How do we turn her around?
Oh my gosh!!!! My daughter is turning 11 this Friday, and she exhibits some of the same behaviors that your 11.5 yr old does!! My daughter is not adopted, so I don't think they're attitudes have anything to do with that, they are just very hormonal at this age, and my friends all tell me it gets worse!!!Yikes!!!! I am an adoptee, and yes sometimes growing up as a teenager I felt a little left out, and a little misunderstood, because adoptees do go through this, but maybe if you bring your daughter to a counselor, she can talk with them about her problems, because it just seems that teenagers have an easier time talking to strangers than to they're own parents!!!! Did your daughter get her first period yet? If she didn't, she soon will. My daughter did, and I have seen many changes in her attitude, but my husband and I are trying to work with her on that negative aspect. Love, love, love , and more love, just let her know that you are there for her 100%. Sincerely, Brenda
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this sounds pretty normal to me. You know I say it all the time, it is a really ugly age! LOL Much is power plays, don't disrupt your plans, just let her sulk. the problem here, as I see it, is that the means you use to deal with this may need to be a bit different due to the unique situation. I was tough with my kids, pretty much let them dig their own holes and not save them. The more they are miserable during family outings, the more I kept them with me. ALL THE TIME Just this past weekend I made my 13 year old son come with us to a cheerleading thing of his sisters out of town. He was scheduled to stay with his older brother and sister, but he did something irresponsible, so he had to be with Mom and Dad. It is really boring for him at these things, so it was a good consequence! Good Luck to you, it does pass, it just sometimes seems in slow motion! Love, Debi
I have two middle schoolers of my own (boy 12, girl 13) plus I teach middle school math and science, so I see a lot of variety of middle schoolers behavior. I have to say that what you describe, while not totally out of the realm of normal behavior, is at the extreme. As a teacher, I am frequently disappointed by parents whose expectations for their middle schooler's behavior is so low because it makes it that much harder to set high expectations for behavior at school. And these parents' children typically have the worst behavior and the hardest time getting along with not only adults, but also their peers. Middle schoolers need firm boundaries now more than ever and they will be testing them as they quite naturally assert their own individuality at this age. They may think they would rather be left alone, but they really need to know that you are still in charge. Middle schoolers can and should be pleasant, polite, civil, and caring, at least MOST of the time. For your daughter to be rude to your adult friends is way out of line. I would say that you have issues that are not typical middle school behaviors, but are more likely related to your daughter's past. Please don't ignore them because if middle schoolers are challenging, teens are exponentially more so.
Just my 2 cents
Happy
I agree with Happy. I have boys(14,14,13,13,12,11) and would not accept the behavior you describe. One 14 and one 12 are often rude and dealing with these issues in therapy(lack of conscience, empathy, and impaired cause and affect thinking). The other four occasionally, like all of us, make poor behavior choices but quickly learn from the natural consequences. If they'd been rude and sulking on an outing, they'd have sat out swimming, too. I believe there's a lot more rudeness in society in general, but that doesn't mean we have to accept those behavior and attitudes in our homes. Even if it has nothing to do with adoption, it needs to be dealt with before it gets worse.
I trully don't know if it is adoption related or not. This is the time for seeing how much they can get away with, but you do have the added dimension of her past and her testing may become more exteme...."do they REALLY love me". But I have to say I have a 13 y.o. girl ,I have only done boys so far, and I am getting quite an eductation!!!
Maybe a therapist will help. Donna
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Please get your daughter some extra help. The worst you could find out from a therapist is that she's completely fine and just has a bad attitude.
I am an adoptee, but was adopted at 5 1/2 weeks of age, so I don't think that the majority of my problems were adoption related. But all my problems did start at age 11, and they were physiological in nature-- hormones totally out of whack and emotional stuff and both kept playing off each other and making the other worse. I never got the help I needed and suffered severe, clinical, suicidal depression. I had physical problems also and male doctors did not know what they were doing.
I suggest at least investigating therapy, preferably with a woman therapist who deals with adoption issues and women's issues.
Also, even though she has problems, you are doing yourself a disservice to give in to her sulking. No matter what, you need not let her attitude ruin your family outings and affect everyone in the family. You can still care about her without letting her actions make all of you REact to her.
Sincerely,
The behavior she shows is almost identical to her birthparents and her older siblings. Every last one of them would just as soon tell you to go to hell as say good morning. That's why we had to discontinue any sibling contact until she is of age and can initiate it on her own.
In reference to the hormones thing, she had her first period 2 months ago and we have seen drastic changes in her whole outlook. She has mood swings like you wouldn't believe. We took her to counseling for several months ending about a year ago when her counselor released her saying that she was adjusting just fine. She has a female pediatrician who referred her for full psychological/learning disability testing when she first came to us and all the reports indicated that her problems are related to her past learning/non-learning. I am a certified teacher and through homeschooling, we have almost brought her up to grade level from 4 grades below it..
As for the behavior of the weekend, we toughed it out and stuck to our plans but it was hard. The day after we got home, we did tell her that her behavior was completely unacceptable and that we will not take her on any more trips until we see major improvement in her attitude toward other people. This meant cancelling out on the all-church camping trip in 3 weeks which she has been looking forward to for months now. She will be the only kid in her Sunday School class that isn't going so she will have to attend adult Sunday School class with us. She will also write a formal letter of apology to my friend. (My friend was adopted at 14 by the foster family she lived with from age 11, so she has some experience with attitude).
Thanks for the input and advice. Please keep us in prayers as we try to work out this problem.
I am not trained in any adoption related problems. I have a daughter with borderline personality disorder. Or so they say. She began acting out at about the same age. My post is re: hormones. We have tried every medication possible, it seems. Only when, at age 24, my daughter began taking birth control pills on a regular basis, did she have good results. A doctor did diagnose a hormone problem many years earlier, but she wouldn't comply with taking the pills. She is very "normal" when she takes her pills. If she misses a day, it is obvious by her mood swings. I only mention this because I believe that if I had been more diligent about her taking the pills earlier, we would have seen a much earlier result. Just a random thought based on my very limited experience! Love, Debi
I want to know what your pre teens think about their bmother and bfamily. What sort of things do they say about the bfamily at this age?
Also what sort of "stuff" - questions, attitudes etc - do they hear from their friends?
Cheers Banjo
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Get "Parenting With Love and Logic" By Foster Cline and Jim Fey. It really is a great, common sense way to parent. Foster Cline is a child psychiatrist who is a parent by birth, foster and adoption. He's done it all!!!
Hi,
I think the behavior is normal and adoptive behavior ... your daughter is trying to create the same family she came from (negative) so when you are having fun, she is trying to make it stressful and negative.
Also when you say your old friend, she must have been aware, at some level (unconscious perhaps) that she was not part of the 'original' family, she may have felt like an 'outsider' even if you don't think of her in that way.
I think understanding and ignoring some of the attitude might help.
All children go through negative times and are confused by their own behaviors sometimes. If she is verbal, you might try talking about it with her.
Best of luck!
Nancy
Unfortunately, this is the age at which all of my behaviors began. I am now 28 y/o and just now starting to be able to deal with the issue of being adopted. My life has been a living hell since that time. That was the time that I began to realize what the meaning of adoption was. It hit me really hard! Contact me and I will give you some of the details! This might be preteen attitudes but, sometimes it just might be something different.
I'm a 42 year old adoptee, with 6 kids, 2 of them teenage daughters (bio, not adopted).
My two teen girls went through this stage very differently (one still is in the middle of it!).
My oldest, now 17, about put me around the bend at ages 13-15 or so. She has always been an emotionally intense child, and all that seemed magnified during this phase. She had such extreme mood swings that I took her to a therapist, thinking maybe she was depressed, or needing medication, etc. Much money later, I was assured she was just at a kind of extreme end of "normal". She would sulk and be unbearably rude if we went out to eat, but not at the place she wanted to go, for instance. Or if I didn't let her do something, she would slam doors, stomp around, glare and snap at the entire family. Not much worked. Getting mad back certainly didn't. Punishing her for it didn't have any obvious result either (loss of privileges, etc.), but maybe it would have been worse without it! Around age 16, she suddenly seemed to grow out of it (mostly - it's not perfect now, but awfully rare to get that sort of behavior - now it only comes up when PMS seems to coincide with some trauma like a fight with her best friend etc.)
My now-15 year old was different. She's always been a pretty sunny, happy-go-lucky kid. At 12-13, I was thrilled she didn't show any signs of this hormonal-induced difficult attitude. But, in the last 6 months (starting at 14 1/2 or so), it's come out (pretty much timed to her physical developments and first period). It's not nearly so severe as the older one though. Some sulking, some tears, nothing major, and blows over quickly.
I had a long talk with my mom when my oldest had me frantic a couple of years ago - she says I wasn't like that at all at the same age. I don't think just being adopted explains it. But I do think other life experiences affect how teens react, and I think that a lot of it is their own body chemistry, personality, etc.
I think therapy's a good idea, though. It's a rough time for any teen age girl, and it sounds like your daughter's had her share of difficult things that may be making this period much harder for her.
Incidentally - we have 18 and 15 year old sons too - in my experience, their reactions to these teen years is MUCH different than girls, and in some ways it seems much easier to parent. (Downside being they don't talk to me as much! "How was your day? "Fine..." LOL). They are happy though, doing well in school, fun to be around, and seem like well adjusted guys, so I guess I have to live with their lack of communication at times!
Also, as a side note - my daughers are MUCH better behaved at school. They don't cop the attitude there. Not because they're afraid - they're in a small, and very supportive school (we live overseas, and there's not much choice there!). Just that they want to put their best foot forward there, for whatever reason. They save most of their attitude for me - maybe they feel safer that way, or maybe the stresses of the day just accumulate and get dumped in the evening? though the older one did display it publicly when she didn't get her way (rolled eyes, big sighs, and sharp words at the restaraunt dinner table for instance - sigh).
Not the most fun age, is it? Best of luck to you -- I hope things will get better for your daughter, and your family,
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