parents of my daughter's friend

I am surprised the mother hasn't come to you to ask you to have your daughter stop such talks. She should be telling you or your daugher to not talk about such personal and traumatic things with another child. That is only appropriate talk to have with another adult such as her therapist or you. Regards

That is what I am trying to get across to her (my daughter) myself. I don't think she has prolonged conversations with other children, just bringing up bits and pieces. I did tell the mother to redirect the girls out of the conversation when she hears it, but in a gentle way so as to not draw added attention to the topic.

Peggy, How old is your daughter? I ask because I can remember other children talking to me about abuse (including sexual abuse) when I was about 10----and being able to talk to my mom and have her help me talk to my friends. It sounds like the girl's mom may be responding in a "mature" way---maybe her daughter is also responding in this way. So while I agree with Dr Art that abuse should be discussed with an adult, I think there is a possiblity your daughter may have found a young person who she can trust and who has a support system which allows her to accept those confidences. Besides, I kind of wonder if this is more a case your knowing the conversation is going on compared to times when children share confidences and adults don't know. Anyway, that's all a long thing to say that while I think you can encourage your daughter to talk to adults, if the other parent is willing to be educated it might be good to share information with her---information she can use when her daughter comes to her for help with those types of confidences as short of ending contact I don't think you can stop them talking.

I am not sure of the extent of the conversations. The conversation the mother overheard involved why my daughter has certain scars. It may be only that, since they are visible. But I just wanted to be prepared in case there was more. My daughter is 10, but of course somewhat immature. I did talk to my daughter about the conversation. She said her friend wanted to know about the scars. Her friend's mom is very nice and understanding, but I also do want to protect my daughter's privacy and not have her daughter become educated about the ugly side of life at a young age.

Hi Peggy, I just wanted to tell you that I have 5 sons at home (12, 13, 16, another 16, and 17 now)...and I thought girls could talk! Boys talk A LOT! I am also a recovering adoptee [twice adopted, twice abused] and I didn't "talk" about it openly until I was an adult...which led to many more problems for me. In fact, I had been silent for so long I had a nervous breakdown, and I actually had to "learn" how to talk about it, to let it all out without shame and guilt. Your daughter sounds like a very free spirit, and she is "free" enough to talk openly without fear...I think that's a "good" thing. We can not "shelter" our children from much of anything these days, esp. with the war [that means discussing fighting, death, etc.] and they discuss these kinds of thing directly "in school" with teachers. So, I see no immediate harm as long as there is an adult somewhere nearby, to answer tough questions, or further explain that yes, bad things do happen to people, it doesn't make them "less of a person". Good Luck, she sounds precious! :)

I do think that a ten-year old is probably too young to be talking about abuse and neglect issues. I'm surprised that the other mom has not suggested ending it. I'd really encourage your daughter to discuss what is on her mind, concerning her, bothering her, etc with you or a counselor and not with other kids. Don't forget that at age 10 kids don't really keep confidences and you daughter may not feel good as others find out and either talk about her past or, worse yet, tease her about it. In addition, as she gets older (12 14 16) she may regret having this be public knowledge in her school or in the neighborhood. Not keeping these issues secreat is very important. Discussing the past is vital to healing and integrating these events into a coherent autobiographica narrative and developing a coherent sense of self. The real questions revolve around with whom it is appropriate to discuss such issues and who can really help. Regards

I agree with you completely. I don't want her revealing things to come back and hurt her later on. She does have a therapist that she talks to, and we have talked (and continute to talk) about private and public information. She also talks to me about her past. The school counselor also is aware of her need to differentiate between personal information and what to share. I think she is learning how to do this better. But she does not have it down completely. I think since I have told the mother to direct them out of such conversations, the mother will be more aware and willing to do so. If it happens again. I think the two girls can still be friends, most of the time they talk about normal grade school things. I will also let the other mother know that when they are together I monitor the bulk of their discussions, and she can also do the same.

Hi Peggy, Dr. Art, and others..... Just wanted to say I leran a lot from posing and responding to posts here...more than I ever knew before. It helps me more than anything else to hear the input of others with circumstance similar to my own. Glad to know there are ways to assist and better deal with these kinds of issues...God Bless You for sharing them with all of us!!!! :D

Sounds to me like your daughter has some visible scars that create curiousity questions from other children. My children often compare and discuss scars like battles won (scars from skateboarding and such). Perhaps you need to help her find a way to explain them when asked about them. Do some role playing and discuss some good replies she can give.

Yes that is what causes the questions. We did some roleplaying at the therapists. I still don't think she has it 100%. But the therapist and I are more aggressively working on the situation.