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:rolleyes: It's been hard this road of searching, however some good came out of it. While browsing "Kindred Pursuits " site, I accidently came across my brothers adoptive mother. I contacted her and then my brother. My brother was very non shalant of the whole thing until he saw the pictures of his 2 brothers that his bio mom sent me. Literally, within 4 hours this happened, they were chatting and planned to meet the day after. I was happy for them and a bit bitter how my brother never wanted to find out who she was and never bothered looking. Here I am searching for years. She is forever grateful to me that I contacted her and they met. However with this , came the fact that my brother told our mom what happened. It's been about 2 months since this happened and she has never said boo to me that she knows and never confronted me with the fact that I found my brothers mom. With their discussions however, she tells my brother what she knows about my adoption. Even though she knows I am searching and on numerous occasions I've asked her is she knew anything, she's always said nothing. She turns around and tells my brother details about my adoption.
My search is harder now and this is the update: It was a private adoption through a friend of the family. A woman in an apartment building was having a baby so the "friend" of the family arranged for my adoptive parents to adopt me. When it came time to pick me up- my bio mom fought to keep me- 3 mos of fighting and she lost due to lawyers and signed papers. Rumours are that my bio mom passed away however she had a daughter before I was born. This means I have a sister out there.
Question: Should I confront my mom and ask her about this story- ask her why she's never told me this. Ask her who this "friend" is that arranged the adoption? should I continue my search through other means and do it on my own? Ask her if she's ever met my bio mom and etc?
I'm going in circles here and seems that there is a dead end somewhere along the way.
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Hi, as I was reading your post, it was so similar to my experience with my adoptive parents.My adoptive mother passed away a year ago, and after she passed away I felt a sort of longing to find my bio-mom. I told my adoptive dad to finally tell me the truth about my adoption, because over the years he had told me lies , and I felt it was high time to confront him. Well, he skirted around the issue, and still will not tell me anything, so I've given up on him ever helping me. I don't no why everything has to be such a secret with some adoptive parents, I really think it's a control issue, but that's just my take on it. I sincerely love my adoptive dad, and would never replace him, but we just can't have a relationship built on lies. So, you could ask your adoptive mom the truth, but she may not be willing to tell the truth, and that's a chance that you take, but it won't hurt to ask. Good luck. Sincerely, Brenda
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Thanks for the post! Well I might ask her this weekend as we are both going on an hour drive so the oppurtunity is there. However if it goes sour, I will have a rough ride home! It'll be hard asking though only because I know she's lied to me. I've explained to her that it's not to replace her and so on. I'm not sure why adoptive parents lie. Perhaps to protect themselves from the b-family. They chose not to know and so on. I found out this weekend however that she might be meeting my brothers b-mom. *sigh* In any case, if and when i do confront her, I will make apost about it just in case it sounds familiar to someone. Thank you again for your post. It helps to knwothere are others that feel and are goingt hough the same:):)
I am sorry to hear that you are having a difficult time with your adoptive mother over all of this. I do understand your need to find your birth mother. I am 24 and have adopted my cousins little boy. Because of the circumstances we will have an "open adoption" in a sense, and we plan to be very honest with our son about everything. I am wondering if maybe your adoptive mother does not want to explain the situation to you because of her own fears. We had a hard time before my sons adoption, and right now his biological sister is living with us and we have guardianship over her. I know that we had a lot of doubts and a lot of fears before the adoption of our son--everytime the phone rang we were hoping it was not the biological parents wanting to see him and so forth. Trust in God that you will know the answers in His timing...until then, good luck.
It could never hurt to ask her--You could tell her what you have heard and see what her response is. I too can understand how hard it must be for aparents even though I am a bmom. I do not understand how they tell their children out right lies though. Especially when the child is an adult an very capable of handling the truth. Lies only bring confusion and resentment! I say confront her gently! Please keep us updated--My prayers are with you.:D spete
tc122196
Thank you for your post. I don't know your situation and so forth however if your opting for an "open adoption with the bio parents, then why be scared everytime the phone rang? I'm glad that you are somwhat having an open adoption but don't be scared. It is their right to see their son if they want if you agreed to that and you have to open to that idea.
You know how many times I'm out, whether it be on the subway, walking on the street or out for dinner that I think the woman next to me is my b-mom or that guy over there might be my b-dad? It's a constant wondering and missing peice of the puzzle. I have problems dealing with myself because in fact, I don't know who I am! How can i progress in life if I
don't even know what heritage I am! Your son will be grateful to you that you did opt for an open relationship with the b-parents. I know I would be grateful if my a-parents did that. Overall, don't fear what may happen. You'll live in fear all the time and then fear has won. Whatever happens-happens. be glad with what you have now and if tomorrow brings a grey cloud, just remember the sun is right behind it. *shoot for the moon instead because if you miss, you still have the stars*:)
sspete
Thank you for your post! I know it won't hurt to ask. The first time i brought up that I was starting my search was the biggest wall I could face. Whatever she says probably won't downfall my search anyways. However it would help me if she'd be honest.
"I do not understand how they tell their children out right lies though. Especially when the child is an adult an very capable of handling the truth. Lies only bring confusion and resentment!"
~So TRUE!! I don't know why and yes, lieing just makes me feel that there might be more to the lies and meets the eye. I wish I could understand wht goes through the mind of a b-mom and everyday not knowing if your child is safe etc. I can only understand what it's like knowing your life is a puzzle and until an adoptee finds out where that missing peice is, it will be an endless game. Thank you so much for your post - it's nice to hear from a b-mom. I'm not sure if you found your child yet, but I will wish you the best luck!
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Well I ended up asking my a-mom about the story my brother told me and all she could tell me is the same that he did. Although she did reveal that my b-mom's name is Barbara. That helps a bit. Although I have it instilled in my mind that she did get killed, I still have a half sister out there somewhere. So this is what I have done: Since I work at a printers, I got a letter that I wrote printed about 500 times. Got adress' for every KING in toronto and surrounding areas of Ontario and will mail a letter to each one. In total, i will have to send out over 800 letters. I've already labelled and stuffed 200 of them and will mail them sometime this week. At 48 cents a peice, it will get quite expensive but I can imagine the price of a P.I.! Anyways, I will update you as I get responces from the letter. It's like the lottery - out of 800, there has to be just 1 person who knows something! -sigh-