Can adoptions be TOO open?

Yes, I think adoption can be too open. We are involved in a semi-openӔ adoption where we send letters and photographs a few times a year. An adoption with any more openness than this I do feel is bad for the child in the long run. A child deserves to have parents to bond with and to and if the biological parent insists on overstepping their bounds in the child֒s life a life that they chose, through placing them for adoption, to pass to someone else to nurture and mold through the child֒s life is only hurting the child in the long run. Open adoptions benefit the birthparents, not the child. I also find it offensive (and insulting) as an adoptive parent to be called ֓second parents. Same with referring to birthparents as ԓnatural parents. As an adoptive parent, I am not ԓsecond nor am I ԓunnatural. I am a parent. Just my opinion.

I agree 100%. My son's birthmom gave him *A* life, but I am giving him *HIS* life.

As an adult adoptee from a closed adoption, I have mixed feelings about open adoption. On the one hand, I think my resistance to open adoption is feeling that it could have weakened my relationship with my a-mom by making her see me as "less" her child. I guess what I'm trying to say is that in my adoption maybe there was a thin line between being "also" someone else's child and "really" someone else's child. And our closed adoption tended to keep us away from that line. My a-mom saw it not just as her right, but her responsibility, to think of me as NO DIFFERENT from a bio-child. To think of me any other way would have been abhorrent to her as a fundamental disloyalty to our relationship. And growing up, I needed her full and all-encompassing embrace of me as her daughter. I needed to be just her daughter---not her adopted daughter. On the other hand, while my a-mom truly wanted (and still wants) to see herself as my one and only mother, after reunion I saw clearly that this was not technically accurate. And pretending so was delusional. It denies the importance of my heritage. It denies an important part of me. When my b-mother found me, my a-mom was devastated. If her fear of the unknown had been addressed earlier, then maybe she wouldn't have had to go through the pain and fear she felt after my reunion. Unlike momTo1 and some of the other a-moms here, we have not been able to reach the point where both my heritage and my mom's motherhood are affirmed and seen as worthy and important. Rather it seems that my need to know my heritage undermines my mom's feeling of "mom-ness." I wish this were not so.

Me again! -- seems I'm up awful early these mornings thinking about this stuff. I don't find any definitive answers but I think up a whole lot more questions:) It seems most people on this thread feel that open adoption is healthy and 'right'. Our questions are around HOW open. For convenience sake I'm gonna refer to my concerns about 'super-open' adoptions until someone comes up with a better term to use. (I picked 'super' because it is a positive term rather than, say 'overly-open' or something like that which would seem more negative). The reason for that is so we won't spend time debating what we all pretty much agree on. To me a 'super-open' is one that goes beyond photos, emails letters and occassional visits, one that includes frequent visits, vacations and holidays, birthparents family, etc. Again, I am not saying this is 'wrong; I'm just trying to define something to talk about. So why would some adoptive parents and some (potential) birthmothers choose one or the other? We don't have studies to compare them, so we can't rely on that. We have to rely on what our hearts and our instincts tell us is best. This obviously won't be the same for everyone. I can tell this is gonna get long-winded but I've been up half the night thinking about it!:) I am in the category of adoptive Mom who chooses open over super-open. I think it has to do with many things. One is the fact that I came to adoption through infertility (in my case secondary infertility after I had two 'biological' children). I didn't choose to be unable to get pregnant at this time in my life any more than a (theoretical)birthmother chose to be pregnant at this point in HER life. When we were thinking about adding to our family, we were thinking about adding another child or two. We were not thinking about adding another child or two plus those children's birthparents and their families. While having all those extra people in your life can mean lots of extra love for everyone, realistically we all know that its not all love between family members, there are also a lot of other emotions and issues (and that doesn't even include issues or emotions around adoption). Perhaps we don't choose super-open adoption because we just aren't ready to handle all those new family members. By the same token I think some (potential) birthmothers might not want to handle all our current family members, their histories and squabbles and idiosyncracies, their lack of tact or support, along with all the good stuff. I don't think she should have to. But if we are talking about including the birthparent as an ongoing part of our child's life then those funky relatives are part of the package. We were planning on continuing as a 'traditional' family. Our plans had to change because of infertility. But we don't want to abandon the traditional-family concept completely by choosing super-open adoption, we want to modify it somewhat with open adoption. Again by the same token I think there must be some (potential)birthmothers who were planning on a 'traditional' life. Her plans had to change because of unexpected pregnancy. But should she have to abandon her plans completely with a super-open adoption or should she be able to modify them somewhat with an open adoption. One that allows her to know and have contact with the child she will always love but still pursue her other goals in life without too big a change. For instance shouldn't she be able to marry and parent other children without me constantly intruding on their homelife with my quirky family? Well, I had more but this is long enough for now. Just trying to shed one perspective on this emotional issue, hope none of this was offensive to anyone.

JaJa's Mom ~ I agree with what you are saying. We recently adopted a little boy in a "designated" adoption. We met the bmother through an acquaintance, got to know her while she was pregnant and got to be there for Liam's birth. Our adoption agreement was to exchange letters and pics twice a year. But since we know people in common, and at the time, lived in the same city, we acknowledged that the level of contact could potential be higher and we were all okay with this, and looked forward to it. At the time of Liam's birth, his bmother chose not to see him and requested that we stay with him in the hospital and visit him during the prescribed 17 day stay in foster care. She has not picked up the letters and picks that we sent, and has moved away with out leaving a forwarding address with the SW. While we hadn't planned on a super-open adoption, we seem to have gone from an open adoption to a closed adoption at the bmothers choise. She may change her mind down the road, and we will faithfully send letters / pics to the SW should she ever want them. I seem to be babbling.....It can be hard to "force" a new relationship on people because of circumstances. You may fall in love with your soul mate, but can't stand to be in the same room with her brother. Super-open adoptions are a little bit like that. The bmother may select aparents based on profiles and similar interests, but that doesn't mean that you will like each other. The relationship needs to grow and blossom, making me think that things should start as open adoptions and move into super-open adoptions as the relationships develop. Then if they don't, no one is breaking there promises, but keeping things as is.

I think there are to much empahsis on open/closed adoptions. I think more needs to be done to help match up adoptive and birth mothers in adoptions that work best of all parites. Some birthmoms can handle open adotions well, while some aoptive mom don't and vice a versa. Good councling should given to both parties and respect to needs to be a priority to the family raising the child. A parent with to much interference will not be able to parent well. Being a birth mom and I would love to be given more respect as well. And I would love to for someone to show me respect for Me allowing them to parent the way they see fit, I choose them because I believe they would be the best parent. I do here often of birth mohter not happy with the situtions and I worry they have to much connection. I don't know maybe I was lucky to find the right parents where I could have peace of mind when I let her go. I didn't need to them to send me proof of that. Gosh I would love picture and update, but it has been so long and I let our contacts get old. I am getting by though, I still believe in her parents as much today as the day I handed her to her parents. I have not had any contat in almost 13 years.

ja ja mom, I have to commend you on opening up this topic for discussion. I read your post this morning and needed the rest of the morning to try to understand how I may feel in a "super open adoption". While, I can't say for sure, I do feel that I would not be comfortable with a super open adoption. I do think I might have a hard time bonding with the child if the birthparent's would always be around. Vacations and holidays are a time that is used for us to bond as a family. Usually lots of pictures are taken and we all can sit back and relax with one another. Including my child's birthparent into our family holidays and vacations would make me very uncomfortable, as well as my family. To include frequent visits and the birthparent's family is something that would really have to be handled with kid gloves. For, I feel, that if my daughter's birthmother, who has many siblings, were to bring everyone with her on a visit, I would feel like the odd ball and very, very uncomfortable. If she were to bring one or two, I could handle that, but to bring everyone, would make me very uneasy. I, personally, do not think that would be fair to me. As far as the child, I do feel, that the child will get extremely confused to be put into the midst of 3 families at a tender age. I would feel differently if the child was old enough to understand more but as a baby, which is what I have, I don't see how this could help her. When we agreed to an open adoption, it included one visit a year from the birthparents. There was no talk of additional visits nor was there any mention of both of the families attending these visits. A request to move our adoption from open to super open, would be uncomfortable. If we agreed to this from the beginning then I believe, you must always honor what you agree to. If a special request was made for more visits for a period of time to help one of them heal, then I would honor it, for I want them to be at peace.

OK, this is all speculative on my part since I've never experienced open adoption. But I have some thoughts and here they are. What's too or super open for some might be just right or not open enough for others. The imortant (and often difficult) thing is for all parties in any one adoption to agree on the level of openness desired, or at least be able to come to a compromise. One thing I've heard is true about open adoption is that the most important element of success is to have firm, explicitly defined boundaries that all parties agree to, feel comfortable with, and abide by no matter what. Of course this is easier said than done, because it ignores the element of time. What people think they feel ok about before the birth often changes after the birth, when bonds are being formed, hormones are raging, losses are being realized, and power balances are shifting. Add even more time as the child grows, and comfort levels can shift again. So how do you keep the firm boundaries and also allow for flexibility over time as feelings change..? Maybe it's best to plan and agree ahead of time, but also realize that the plans are somewhat tentative, because feelings can change drastically on both sides once the adoption is finalized. The problem is if you allow for flexibility, then one party could wind up feeling burned, right? For what it's worth, my advice would be before the birth to seek out a very good counselor that all parties like and feel comfortable with. The counselor could help mediate the agreement before the birth, and regularly scheduled visits could be pre-planned at important milestones, for example: one just before birth, one a few weeks after the birth, and one near the child's first birthday. Having this history of fair, open communication between all the parties, and a relationship with a neutral third party to help mediate inevitable differences would come in handy if either party is feeling that they want to change the level of openness.

Very well said lemonchutney!

dlouis- Thanks. Yes, it was very hard to let go of my child..especially after trying my best to raise her with no help at all for 5 monthes...it broke my heart..the last night I had her, I held her all night long and just sobbed, but I knew, in my heart that I was doing the right thing for her..and I wasnt wrong..she turned out a beautiful successful young woman with loving parents. I thank God I made the right decision for her. Momto1- fantastic picture:) Emily- My child we're adopting is in no way lacking from support or contact from his bmom, she sees him all the time, and knows exactly what he's doing and how he is, she even babysits in our home sometimes...so my child is not suffering from lack of contact nor is the bmother...the whole family is very involved and always will be...the only thing thats different is that I am mama and he calls her by her first name....when the time is right the baby will know the truth...this child is loved by all members of the family.. theres noone being forgotten or ignored or left out..... And no, guilt is not the reason I saw my child that I had when I was so young....she was near me all the time, she was in fact my neighbor, I was around her a whole lot...and as I stated the adoptive parents felt eventually it was too emotionally confusing for her at that time and so did I. Guilt? What, you have no guilt at all? I did and still do....sure theres nothing wrong with guilty...did i feel guilty because I couldnt give my child at that time a good and decent life with two loving parents, and financial security? of course.....thats natural. But, I know as I said I made the right decison. At that time it was the right thing to do, and regardless of how it made ME feel, it was her life and future that were at stake...I did what I felt was right. And it was. happymama- good

jp33...you speak very wise words.... you wrote "Guilt? What, you have no guilt at all? I did and still do....sure theres nothing wrong with guilty.." For the first time I am hearing that it is okay to feel guilty. Thank you!!! For I have felt so much guilt at being the "lucky" one to raise our daughter while her birthmom had the burden of letting her go. I remember my first Mothers Day, last year. How I waited to be able to enjoy that day and be a mommy. When the day finally came for me, I was knocked down at the amount of guilt I was feeling. I spent a good part of the morning wallowing around in this guilt. Thinking of her birthmom, thinking what a hard day this must be for her. Imagining the pain she must feel today. It was so overwhelming for me, that I had to give myself permission to cry for her. To cry for the pain that she will be feeling that day. For, though, crying doesn't help anyone, it helped me release the feelings and move forward with the rest of the day. You are so right! Feeling guilty is not a bad thing. It means that I have alot of feelings for my child's birthmom. It helps me realise that as a women, the sacrifices we make for our children. For me not to feel guilty for experiencing such joy at another woman's pain, would be unnatural and wrong to deny. Thank you for the validation, that it is okay to feel this way. you write "regardless of how it made ME feel, it was her life and future that were at stake...I did what I felt was right. " I feel the exact same way. It is my daughter's life and future that is at stake. I want her to have the best of all worlds. I know, without a doubt, that her birthmom and I want the best for her. I know that we will always try to meet each other needs and communciate openly and honestly. We both want what is best for her. Together we will find it ;) Thank you for your wisdom and insight! :)

Can two families really get to know one another in a matter of a few months at best? I'm still learning things after years. If I had known then what I know now, I would not have opened our semi-open adoption. First, I think the key is, was this a loving placement? Ours was not. He survived bad choices made during pregnancy and labor. Secondly, open adoption takes both adult sides working together in support of the child as adoptee. Our son's birthmother tried to reclaim him. Third, family dynamics. Unwanted things can cross over into other people's lives unless the boundaries are clear. The same goes for entitlement issues. We have had to tell Caleb's birthmom to stop certain things and even now, years later, I have two ongoing problems that I'm going to have to address: an inappropriate card has upset Caleb alot and he's asking if she will take him away, and an abusive mind game involving teasing with and witholding family information. I do not agree that openness is always the best way, I think that every situation is different. Would I consider openness again if I were ever to adopt again? Tough call.

Thank you Lemonchutney for such a wonderful post! I was feeling a bit overwhelmed trying to figure out where to begin to post my thoughts on this ..but you said: That about sums it up! My daughter, her parents, my son and I get together between 8-12 times a year. Many people, both birthparents and adoptive, may have a heart attack just thinking about that number - it would be way TOO open for them. But you know what - it is perfect for all of us. You know, the ones who are actually living it. On the other hand - I don't look down on aMom so and so (not anyone personally) because one visit a year is great for her, her family, and the birthparents. That suits them. Just as each person is different - so is each open adoption. And if you feel as if you have to be more open in order to get a child - keep waiting. It will come. Sure, you may have to wait longer, but you will wait with integrity - because you will not be like so many who could only see getting a child, even if it meant breaking their word/promises to the birthparents down the road. Never agree to something you are not comfortable with. :) My thoughts - Skye

Yes, I had a lot of guilt at first. Even though everyone who knew the situation knew that J's birthmother could not parent her adeqately, and even though she would have lost her to the state if we hadn't adopted her, I still had a lot of guilt that I had somehow 'taken away' her child. I also felt guilty when J wouldn't go to her bmother during a visit. In fact I look so tense in the pictures from that visit that I put any with me in them away. My heart was aching for her as she tried to get J to take to her. And then a complete stranger walked in and J held her arms up to her. That first mother's day I sent J's birthmother a card and when she called in tears I really felt terrible. But I know that J would never have blossomed into the delightful toddler she is now without us. And her bmother is pursuing her life in a way that she would not have been able to if she hadn't placed J. So the guilt gives way to other feelings in time. And honestly, although there will always be love and a level at which she wishes things could have been otherwise, I see the pain as less acute for 'G' now. The last time she called was to talk about her current plans and she barely mentioned J or even said anything about the pictures I had just sent. That is completely different than she was at first, and I think much healthier for her than living with the constant open wound of her decision.

This has been the most helpful and informative thread of all that I have read so far on this forum. I am the Amom of an angelic 13 mo old daughter from an open adoption. To say that this past year has been an easy one would be a lie. I have ridden the emotional roller coaster over the simplest of issues, and can now say that I have come to the conclusion that I have been listening to all the wrong people. I only wish that I had found this list a year ago. Our birthmother is a distant relative who lives about 80 miles from us, and was 15 when she gave birth to our daughter. We were not extremely close, but I did have the opportunity to babysit her when she was an infant. She lived with us for the last 5 months of her pregnancy and during that time we discussed how much contact she would like as well as what her hopes and dreams were for this child. She helped us name the baby and we have tried our best to uphold all of the promises that we made to her. There have been times when we have had to compromise and also times we have asked her to compromise. Even with these ideals, it has been a tough road. She would like to babysit for us and while I am still a little uncomfortable with this, circumstances have brought us to the place that I would consider the possibility. It is not because I fear that she will take the baby back (ok, truthfully, I do fear this on some level, but not one based on reality), but I am still not confident in her ability to take care of a child this age. The one thing I am having the hardest time with is the amount of visits that are appropriate. I know that Skye (?) seems to have a very open adoption seeing her child 8-12 times a year, and others are only 1-3 times a year. I have asked several people in my own family and also the birth mother their views on this subject, but have never been able to nail down a figure. How will I know if it is too much or too little? It would be great to find adult adoptees of many different types of open adoption to share their views on this subject. Thanks for "listening" to me, and I hope I haven't offended anyone. Wendy