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How does one do this? They call you and say she will probably be going up for adoption and they need a foster home that could consider adoption. OK we say.
We have been though this before and said we would not do it again. Maybe it is because of the emotional roller coaster of when we adopted our foster son. 2+ years of visits, court dates, etc., etc.
Remarkably despite the many moves and abuse, she is as sweet as can be and bonded right away. She wants to stay here. Has seen more than any 3 year old should see.
My take on the emotional rollar coaster take on the phone conversations the past 2 months.......
What social worker? .... She is going up for adoptoin? ... GAL is coming over? ... You are coming over? .... Wait ... Relative in another state wants to adopt her? ... She is moving to where? ... When? ....... Moving to relative in 6 months? ... 3 months? ... Court? ... Visits? With who? When? Where? ... Relative does not want her anymore? ... Mom back? ... enrolled in program? ... This going to take a 2 years if reunification? ... Mom is missing? ... No, she did not come to visit... Another Relative possibility? ... Visit when? where? Mom back in rehab? Visit? Your coming over again? Court? When? where?
I am on that rollar coaster again!
On one hand you really love and want to keep this precious child safe. On the other hand. .... These parents are real people! I bring this girl to visits and I leave only wishing this Mom could stay clean and function. Mom is wonderful today, has toys and candy, and created this beautiful child.
Yet, Mom has been through this program before. For the past 15 years kids in & out of the system moving from state to state.
If i really cared would i not just take this parent AND child into my home? Yet felony child abuse? Hmm, Am I going to be sending this girl to overnight visits soon? Is mom working the program? What if she does not show up tonight? I hate driving away after visits and not offering her a ride in my car.
What effect is this going to have on my 5 yr old TPR adopted son? He wants 'a sister who can stay forever not just a little while'. They get along great.
Do I wait this situation out? Do I send the child to another adoptive home?
I am not sure I can go through this again. I could see it taking years only for some long lost relative to show up.
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Right before dawn with my girls I was ready to call and say (I've had enough of babysitting the druggies kids, you can have them back) But I didn't and now they are mine forever. It was a very long 3 years (started 8 years ago)
I don't know how any one does it. I am still very depressed about lossing the 3 I had 3 years ago for 13 months who were not returned to anything better then they left.
Just don't get yourself into it again after you get through this one.
You can't take the b-mom in, she is on drugs and most likely drugs is all that matters. She can't get better until she wants to. Don't give her things (even free child care) if when the baby goes back.
Good luck!!!
I've been there and I could not do it again.
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Wow, okay, I have to admit I chuckled at your post, not because of the whole situation, but because it's so incredibly true for all of us! In fact, I'd like to send the phone excerpt to our Social Worker! Great way to capture the cyclone roller coaster of fost/adopt.
I've vented here many a time, and I still get to fuming when I think of myself as "only the foster mom"....with a social system spiraling out of control around me, and birth parents who don't have one clue about what they are doing to these precious children. It's all about the birth-parent, or so I have been told by more than one social worker. I often question my place in this system, but then when one of my kids grabs me ans says, Mommy!, then I am gently reminded, that I am their mom...that is my place in the grand scheme of things.
I actually had a b-mom say, in response to a SW trying to explain the emotional hell this child was going through with her skipping visits, leaving early, making false promises, etc...the mom said, you know, I don't wanna hear it. I was on my own at her age (age 2.5 yrs)...she needs to get over it. Yyyep, you gotta love those sensative, all caring b-moms! Not once have I ever felt guilty about leaving a mom at the center to "catch" her own ride home....it may sound cold, but when I think of how this kid in my back seat came into this world, addicted to heroin, shaking, un-controllable tremors, unable to eat, unable to breathe on her own....well, that kind of puts it into perspective....The b-mom needs to find her own way, and be self reliant...I am not there to help her along...she has the funds of the state, a mass of SW's, rehab facilities, counselors, classes, the works to help her with that. If she can't utilize that help, then that's not my problem, and I refuse to feel responsible for her in any way shape of form.
My hope for you and your family is that this case is resolved in favor of the child...not the b-parent. Sounds like you are doing one heck of a job mom, keep up the good work, and remember to take lots of deep breaths before answering the phone!
Darwin you struck a cord, you are so right. jjjetplane2 never take in anyone who is actively using, been there done that, its extreamly hard to watch a mother in active addiction pretend to be a good mom when you are the one parenting the child...keep the child safe.
Roller coaster ride it sounds as if you are in one of those childrens air bag toys, jumping up and down. I have thoughts on foster parenting, I have taken my friends (now disowned) children and her into my home, enough was enough I couldnt parent her children and either could she, I had to allow Social Services to take them and to wash my hands of the pain that it was causing me because I was unable to save them all, I could well imagine you wanting to give up, foster parenting is one of the hardest things to do, especially fostering to adopt, You keep the roller coaster going because at the end of the ride your thanks will be your daughters smile for giving her a family that is stable and sound and oh so full of love
bless your heart
formerly
a_mothers_love
Thank You alll for your replies. I know I am not alone. ;)
Has anyone had kids come and go? How does this effect your children. My son has no siblings and adores having her here. As it stands today they are planning to move her to another state to an adoptive relative. They said this would take between 1-3 months.
Having his own early abondonment issues we have come so far with, I worry how my son is going to handle it when she goes.
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