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OMG, I don't know what to do. My neice came to live with me and my husband almost two mos ago in a kinship care situation with adoption eventually after appeal rights have been exhausted by her father.
We have never had children before, are in our late 40's and am physically and emotionally exhausted. My husband has a health problem which is chronic but controlled by meds but the stress is getting to him. We have no family support where we are. The problem isn't my neice, it's us. I now believe we were too old to venture into this, she is 6 years old, a wonderful child with a few problems but nothing serious. She was in fostercare for two years, pretty used to that family. I am so terrified that we have done the wrong thing and either my marriage is going to be ruined, I am going to get sick from stress, the guilt is killing me, I know what needs to be done but don't know how to do it. She has a wonderful caseworker which told us that if we ever got into a bad situation to call immediately. My neice deserves to be with people who have the energy and emotional fortitude for her, I don't think it's us, Oh God what have I done? I might mention that she came to use from another state so that state still has jurisdiction, I am afraid that if this doesn't work, they will take her back, I would rather see her stay here with a foster family.
Please someone, advise me what to do. We both love her and want what's best for her, why couldn't i be 10 years younger?
Renee
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I admire your courage and identifying that you may not be enough of a resource for this child ... one of the hardest things to do. If she is under the jurisdiction of another state, she will return to foster care within that state but, I would hope, with contact with your family. You need to remember that a 6 year old takes alot of attention/energy but a 10 year old even more ... some folks would disagree with that but they do need adults more - just in a differently defined (and yes exhausting way) manner.
So ... my thoughts for you would be to contact the cw and state that you need assistance and respite care and see what services can be utilized for the child which may in turn be of enough assistance to get you through ... or she'll be able to counsel you as to what is next and best for the child. As hard as it will be - if you keep her and cannot meet her needs you will run the risk of hurting her further or putting her in a position of rebellion at age 10+ and those years are terrifying enough for a child who hasn't experienced any trauma in life so imagine the hardships she will have to conquer ... let yourselves be a positive in her life vs. a hardship.
Hope this helps ... there are ways - you just need to ask before your family ends in crisis and she is removed for the wrong or misunderstood reasons/situations that these kids often end up in.
Keep posting - this board is great for listening and sharing.
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It would be much less traumtic for her if you let her go now. If you keep her under the circumstances described, it sets everyone up for failure. Call the caseworker before things get out of hand.
How long until all the appeals are done? Can you discuss with the caseworker keeping her until an adoptive family is located? Then it might be possible to maintain an aunt/uncle relationship without being her parents.
Will the foster family that had her 2 years adopt her? I know they are in another state, but if she is used to them, that would be easier adjustment then going to yet another stranger's home. I know you may want her near by, but you may be able to work out something where you will still have contact with her.
We have a foster daughter who has been here 3 months that may be going to another state for relative adoption. They are in their 50's. If things were not to work out there, I would hope they would contact us. Many adoptive families now stay in touch with and have contact with birth families, especially when the child is older.
Best Wishes that all works out.
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I disagree. If two months into this placement you feel this is not right for your family, do not feel pressured to do this. What if four years from now nothing has changed? Don't feel guilty about this. You tried to parent your neice and relized it wasn't good for your family. Better now then later. I'm parenting children who's adoptive parents felt this way and felt obligated to keep going until everyone was torn apart, especially the children. It may be you can be an aunt and a resource for this child, but not her mother.
Yes, LucyJoy I agree with as well & see your point. I just know when we became parents to a 9 month old there were times I said, 'I can't do this!', 'I am not cut out for this!' . Becoming a parent is something that can turn your world upside down, and suddenly parenting an older child maybe even harder. Anyhow, 5 years later I am glad I never made the call.
Thanks for the replies everyone. We are talking with our social worker this week, we have made a commitment to her and we aren't breaking it. We have many resources available to us and we will be alright. We have bonded with her and in no way is she leaving us, we've made that decision.
I will continue to post here for advice, you are all so nice and honest, thank you.
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I know it is hard to make these kind of decisions..I am glad for you for the choice you made. If you ever need an ear or a shoulder-feel free to pm me at anytime. My wish for you is to grab all the help you can get for that child! Don't be shy-you deserve it and so does she! Continue to go to couseling and get involved with adoption organizations-it does help you understand the adoptee and kids in general. God bless...Holiday