Why Is There Someone In The Adoption Triad Always Fearful Of Reunion?????

yes, Keds - I agree with Colleen - be honest! and just work it into the conversation! I hope you get to meet with him!

And I'm waiting to 'see' if my daughter and I have any of the same traits!!

And I'm going to stick to my plan - I've made April 16th the date of mailing "the" letter... LOL! That's after taxes and all - and before her birthday - BUT truly hope I hear from her before than!

Take care all!

Looking, I can't believe that you picked that date, it is my bdaughters birthday! Hey, you never know, it could be a good sign. I hope you hear from her well before that, it seems so far away. She is probably just like you. I have found in life that we fight more with our daughters as they are often just like us, though neither will admit it, and the more alike you are, the harder it is to give in, because as we all know, it is impossible to win a fight with yourself. Colleen

Please share your blues.. Jackie

Colleen.. We get to take care of ourselves.. and we get to stand back and see that if there is unhappiness coming at us we can and will sort it.. Let go of it.. Ask for help in it. Know we can not control it.. and not engage in it.. You are strong and brave.. Jackie

Hi Jackie, thanks but alot have to do with "non-adoption/reunion" issues - empty nest syndrome and I got hit with the stomach flu (may be the real reason for feeling so "down"). I'm bouncing back but finding it hard to stay "upright". I'll try and work Christmas into the conversation - I know people feel obligated to give a gift when they receive one - it's kind of hard for me to even accept compliments - but I don't want him to think I'm just buying him gifts to make up for something or, worse, to buy my way into his life. I see something I think someone would like and get it (unless it's way overpriced). My friends and relatives have commented that it is a fault of mine but I feel good doing it, and, at my age, I doubt if I can change. Colleen, you made me rethink everything and I may have over-estimated the "place" in my bson's life that he said he has for me. I'm going to have to hang back a bit and see - let him lead, or not, and take the emotional blows as they come. I see so much "guesswork" in this and it is exhausting figuring out what is coming next. I guess I am so open and if my heart gets stomped I just move on so I don't have a hard time welcoming people into the "inner circle" and I forget, or honestly, don't realize where he is coming from. I assume he wants more since he searched for me but I really know little of his family dynamics and everything he's experienced to get here. Maybe that's one needling thing in my brain - I've pretty much told him my life story and he hasn't really shared anything! take care.

Keds, Glad you are feeling better, the flu stinks!. I can relate to what you are saying, I also told my bdaughter everything, and she really told me little. I always felt the conversations were very one sided. Then after giving it some thought, I realized that she thought I would be hurt, if she told me wonderful stories of her youth, and she was right, at the time I would have been. I would have wanted to hear that she had suffered, missed me, just so that I would not have been alone in all that. To hear that her childhood was wonderful, and happy, would have made me feel worse somehow, so I think that is why she never shared. I am only guessing, but it makes sense. As much sense as any of this does. As far as the gifts go, if that is how you are, so be it. It is what makes you, you. I don't think anybody in the world doesn't like to receive gifts, no matter what they say. You just have a giving nature, and you show it by finding things people will love and giving it to them. Not a major character flaw. If he says something, just explain it to him. I can't really believe that after all this time, and all that you have been through, he would think you were trying to buy him with gifts. You are so much more than that, and I'm sure he sees it. I think we are all in the habit of thinking the worst of ourselves, as far as these kids go. We over analyze everything we do, and most of the time, myself included, we are looking way too deep. I don't think that our birthchildren look that hard. So go easy on yourself, and believe in who you are, and I'm sure he will see the same thing. Jackie, Your sage wisdom always gives me pause to think. I would like to believe in the brave part, but I think it may just be that I am on autopilot, and not givng anything too much thought. Is it snowing there yet? Not a flake here yet, wild for November! Love, Colleen

Some very hard....soul searching stuff here. Thanks to all of you....for being honest, and sharing these thoughts. Keds....am I to understand that you are worried that IF you get him a gift for Christmas....he will think you are trying to "buy" his love ? My goodness...if THAT were the case, I can't imagine what MY son must have thought that "first" Christmas we had together !!After 39 years, do I need to tell you all how much I "splurged" ??? And not just on him, but his kids ? I admit, I went a TAD overboard :rolleyes: , but I actually ASKED him to please not be upset with me....that it was for ME, if not more, than it was for him. He was cool with that ( thank GOD ! )Needless to say what I did for my four grandkids ( I have no other children....so....well....need I say more ??? )If you want to give him a gift...then do so. I think Colleen hit in on the head when she wrote how we all over-analyze everything we do. I think it comes with the territory though...so no fault in that. We want so badly to "make up" for what we did so many years ago......like that could EVER be accomplished. Jackie...you were the first to respond when I came here nearly three years ago.....your words carried alot of weight for me back then....and still do. :love: Good to "see" you again !

Janiej, You are so right about the gifts, I think we are all guilty of some form of this. I don't think there is any blame to it. Some people just buy gifts, I know that I do, and I enjoy it. Seeing as how there are no rules to this reunion business, I think we all do the best we can. We learn new things everyday, and we will keep on learning. It's a hard road, but we can take peace in knowing that others walk it with us. With every new year , comes new hope, and as we are on the eve of yet another one, I am filled with hope that all of us take some steps farther down the road. I also agree with you about Jackie, She has inspired me to move forward more than any other person I know. I am always glad to see her name pop up on a thread. She tells me that I am brave, but I can not tell you how far I have walked down this road with just Jackie there holding my hand. Thanks Jackie, i can never tell you that enough. Love, Colleen

Hello everyone! I'm new here. I gave birth to my son in June 1988. I have read a few posts here and wanted to share my feelings on a reunion. I have a form for NYS adoption registry, but haven't filled it out yet. It's almost been a year and a half since my son turned 18 and the possibilty of a reunion could happen. I want so much to meet him but am terrified that he won't accept me. I'm currently pregnant with my fifth child and would love for my children to meet their biological sibling. Yet, there are so many things that worry me. When my son was conceived, I was in an abusive home. I wanted him to have a much better life than I ever did growing up. His birth and adoption gave me the strength to do what I had to and have both of my parents arrested (one for sexual abuse and one for neglect). I know now that the raw emotions that go into adoption helped me to realize that my fear of facing my abuser was nothing compared to what I had just gone through giving my son up for adoption. I chose parents for him that were wonderful and in a way the type of parents that I would have wanted to raise me. The court ordered therapy for everyone involved and helped me tremendously, and I am so thankful that I was the one who was able to stop the cycle of abuse that has plagued our family for so long. Deep down, I guess I have a fear that my son won't feel like I'm good enough for him because of my background and what I went through as a child. My children love me absolutely and unconditionally. It's natural and easy because I am here for them. I can protect them, hold them when they are sick, hug them when they have a broken heart, etc. The only thing that I could do for my oldest son to give him the best and protect him was to surrender him for adoption. Although it was by far the most difficult thing that I have ever done in my life, I fear that he will think less of me because of it, or see my imperfections that are so easy to see in strangers but we so often overlook with our own family. I hope that makes sense. Thanks for listening to me ramble. Hopefully soon I'll work up the courage to have this paper notarized so I can meet him and tell him how I feel.

Heparoe.....WELCOME ! :grouphug: Your story is amazing....and so very sad with what you went through. But YOU had the courage to stop the pattern....and I commend you for that. SIGN THE PAPER ! But don't "expect" too much. I had to wait 39 years for my son to want contact....not trying to be a "downer" here.....but don't let your fears stop you. And stay here....talk here....this is an amazing group who KNOW how you are feeling. No shame here....nope....just some very ordinary HUMAN beings...who did what they had to do at the time. Again....welcome....and sign those papers ! :pen:

Heparoe, Welcome, I also think you should go ahead with the papers. It sounds like you are ready. Maybe he is looking also. You have come to the right place for help. These ladies know their stuff, and can walk you through just about anything. Not that I think you need all that much help, it seems like you have come a great distance all on your own. I think that locating your son may be key in your putting the past, in the past. I hope you find him. Colleen

Thank you for your support. I finally went out today and had the form notarized. I know it doesn't mean that I'm definitely going to meet him, but at least it's a start. Thanks again!!

Heparoe, Good luck to you. I hope eveything works out. You have taken the first step. It is the hardest one. I do hope you can contact your son. I know how much it means to you. I will be thinking good thoughts. Colleen

heparoe A journey of a thousand miles begins with the first step.. I remember getting a notarized form to send to the agency to put a letter in his file saying I was open for contact.. and asking for non identifying information.. From 2007 As Colleen says.. we are here for you.. All you can do is stand in your truth.. If a person does not like or want your truth they are the loss.. When I get confused and unsure I always remind myself that I am doing the very best I can and I can not do more than that.. I can not be more than that.. and I am.. I am a person of the first order.. I say what you did was right and good.. You got your son out of there.. a hero’s journey.. to me.. I could not have brought my son into my parents home.. I knew he would not do well there as I had not done well there. It would have been a selfish act on my part if I had of kept him.. I know this from looking at and journaling about my past (I wrote my life story down in a journal).. Guilt.. ohhh that guilt.. a wise person just recently reminded me about guilt and ego.. and hubris… and how getting out of the way of God the fates and the way it is.. is the way out of feeling the guilt right now today.... Colleen so nice to see you again.. Love and kisses from me.. Jackie

Heparoe, I reread your original post, and it seems to me that you have done a great deal of very brave things. To choose life for your son, was brave. Having your parents arrested, even braver. Letting go of the past and moving forward to have a wonderful family, very brave. Signing the papers was scarey, I know, but you did it and I know you must feel better for doing it. I also, was in an abusive relationship. Not my parents, but my ex husband, and I know how very difficult it is to walk away from that, to break the cycle that has become your life. I just wish that I had been as brave as you and had him thrown in jail. I know this latest step will only make for a brighter future for you and your children. I do hope your son replies. My adoption was in NYS, and believe it or not, it took very little time to locate my daughter. She was searching for me too. Perhaps your son is also. Time will tell. I am hoping for the best for you. Don't ever let anybody make you feel bad about yourself, you had little control over what happened in your life, The steps you took to get away show just how strong a person you are. We are all here for you. Jackie, I have always been here, just a little more quiet than I was before. You have been very busy, I took a step back to allow you to help others with your wonderful advice. I think of you often and hope you are well. I miss you. Love, Colleen