April 2008 letter to bdaughter IF I have not heard from her...

I'll be sending this letter to my bdaughter IF I have not heard from her at this time (April, 2008): April 16, 2008 Dear M, I know! I know! I should NOT be sending this letter to you as you have not yet contacted meօ believe me I have debated with myself for over a year now! But as you will see (I hope!) I really needed to write this to you. And I am so sorry to hear that you have no interest in having contact with me at this time Ŗ or maybe never that wasnŒt the reply I was hoping for, but I will respect your decision and try to understand where you are coming from! But I will always be here when the time is right for you, as long as Im alive. I wonҒt keep you apprised if I have any address changes (not that I have any changes planned!), as you can always reach me at l@xxx.com email address, should you decide to pursue a relationship at a later date. As I said, I needed to write this letter to you after almost 15 months of not hearing from you so please bear with me! I apologize for not heeding your request and invading your privacy again, but I really need to let you know all that I֒m about to write. I realize now that my first letter must have caused so many feelings facing you for the first time as an adult, maybe you have never thought of the possibility of me finding you, have never dealt with these feelings long buried feelings and wanting to protect yourself by distancing me as much as possibleŅ perhaps everything from fears to unacknowledged anger, or just not ready nor interested!! I was putting so much good energy into my letter to try for a positive reunion with you, M - that I didnt even THINK of how you would respond. I apologize for my earlier letter and ask if we can try again. ItҒs a journey and it takes time. Give yourself time Your happiness is THE most important thing in the world to me and I donŒt want to jeopardize that! In this letter Im going to try and convey to you why I searched for you, since you questioned that in your letter - and what a hard reality it was at the time of your adoption. I have so many feelings and emotions that itҒs really hard to put them into words. As I was writing this letter to you, so many blocked off memories came flooding back to me. Im not very eloquent in my writing, so please bear with me through this letter, as this is totally from my heart and soul. You probably have no memory of me or any point of reference. It is different for you than for me. It is obviously a very loaded situation for every adoptee҅ especially, if they feel they cannot reciprocate the same intensity of emotion that they feel their birth parent has for them. And you have moved on in your life, with your own identity and circle of family and friends. You have no emotions tied up to me as I do with you, as I will try and explain my feelings in this letter to you. I realize that now, M, that I HAVE complicated your life. This has probably shaken your world and I just dont want to do anything that will scare you off҅ and I didnt want you to think that I didnҒt care You had it all arranged, and your emotions all in order. You knew who you were and were comfortable with that. Now you have to deal with emotions you have never felt and thought you never had, and having a possible relationship with someone you donŒt consciously remember! I realize you are perhaps afraid, and fear makes us defensive. And I understand why you might be angry. I DO see it from your point of view, but I didnt realize you would think I was breaking some kind of ғagreement that I really never signed! So first I need to correct a couple myths about your adoption. When I relinquished, there was no such thing as ԓsearching and ԓreunion. Adoptions were closed, period. I imagine that your mom and you have assumed that because the adoption was closed, I could not or would not search. I imagine that you believed that a closed adoption is or should be closed forever and that by agreeing to a closed adoption (as if there were any other option at the time), I agreed, as your Mom put it in her October 2006 letter, to have ԓno relationship with this child forever.֔ It sounds like I have a different interpretation of it than you and your Mom. I wasnt made aware of being a party to any agreement to never search for you or try to have a relationship with you when you were an adult. I agreed to not parent you, and I didnҒt nor am I looking to be a parent to you now. I still have that original copy of the adoption papers that I signed on June 2, 1969. I can even give you this piece of paper if you like. So Im not really sure ғwhat your parents were told at that time, but IԒm sorry to tell them that I never signed such a piece of paper of no searchӔ. Im truly sorry that you felt angry and upset that I broke this so called ғagreement. While I have moved on in my life, had a career, etc Ԗ I kept you in my mind, but did not dwell on your life and our circumstances, but I have never forgotten you. In fact when you were 5, I asked the Agency if I could somehow get a picture of you but your mother refused, I guess thinking it was better for me. And then in 1991, when you were 22, I again contacted the Agency to ֑see if you were searching, but alas you werenҒt and then the internet was born! And in 2004 before you turned 35 years old I tried again! I contacted the Dept. of Children֒s Services in Los Angeles and received your non-identifying information; also, this is where I received the letter that your mother wrote to me before your first birthday. And I told my family that I was starting a search for you, and they were/are all supportive! Now I felt like a caged bird set free free to speak of my secret. Just to know anything Ŗ some scrap of information would be a gold mine after all these years. I searched on my own for about 2 years, and then found a search-angel and suddenly, I had all that, and seemingly as quickly as it came in, it all went out again. I waited nearly 35 years just to know your nameօ I didnt know a single, solitary thing about you Җ and then, all of a sudden in a matter of hours on May 16, 2006, I knew more about you than I ever dreamed possible! I knew your name I knew you were aliveŅ The other myth is from your letter of January 28, 2007: Please know that I am truly grateful for that you gave me up for adoption. And I am sure that was never an easy decision for you. However, you made a decision 37 years ago that you were not going to be a mother.Ӕ M Going through an adoption was probably the hardest thing I have ever encountered in all of my life, but I thank God that I am able to look back on all of it and smile, and forgive myself that the past could have been different. Of course, there will always be that little ache in my heart, but it subsides in knowing that you are enjoying a much better life than I could have ever offered you at that time in my life. When I was in high school, it seemed like every other week there was a new rumor going around about someone else being pregnant. I was always under the false sense of security that only happened to other people. Never in a million years would something like that happen to me!! I managed to graduate from high school sans child, and I even made it through a couple of years of college. But then suddenly one day, my whole world came crashing down. My life was changed forever. I was angry. Not angry at you, the child, for coming into existence, but at myself for being so irresponsible. I knew I had several options to choose from, but it has always been my opinion that everything happens for a reason. For some reason unknown to me yet at that time, this child (you) was supposed to be here in this world and I didn֒t feel that it was my right to deny this child a life. It may have been more convenient to choose abortion, but I ruled that out very quickly. My next two choices were either to parent, or to choose adoption. When I thought about adoption, it didnt really appeal to me. ғWho in their right mind could bear to part with their own flesh and blood????!! I thought to myself. It just didnt seem possible. I had a few friends who were adopted, but they never talked about it. In grade school I remembered a girl up the street who got pregnant in high school and chose adoption for her baby. It was all very mysterious and then they moved away. That was the extent of my knowledge about adoption. No more, no less. Parenting my child seemed to be the best choice to me at that time. I thought for sure my parents would help me, and besides, I knew people MUCH younger than 21 who did it. But their reality of life was extremely difficult! I told my parents that I was pregnant, and needless to say they were not at all pleased. They told me they would support me emotionally, but due to financial hardships, since my father had just graduated from UC Davis and started his veterinarian small animal clinic, with debts from school and five children to support would not be able to help me. If I decided to parent this child, it was going to be solely up to me. I would also need to find arrangements for my child while I worked. My plans of finishing college would have to be put on hold for a day when my child had grown up and I had time, energy and money. When they put it to me hard and the cold reality of the time, I was crushed. I could not understand how they could be so cruel!! It took quite awhile, but after I stood back up and REALLY looked at my situation, I could understand where they were coming from, and my inability at that time to provide for you. It was not going to be all roses and sunny days҅ my parents had 4 more children to take care of financially, specifically for their education. It was not at all fair for me to expect them to be secondary parents to my baby while I finished growing up and preparing for my future of going to school and getting my education in my chosen field. At least that is what society said to me a na֯ve, unknowing and trusting girl barely out of my teensօ So in mid-February, 1969, I went awayӔ to St. Annes, a home for unwed mothers in downtown Los Angeles. It was run by Catholic nuns; although not Catholic, they accepted me. At least I learned a little about the Catholic religion while there; and learned how to knit! My afghan turned into a king-size blanket! And I met so many other girls there from all walks of life. I donҒt believe anyone of them was keeping their child so sad when I think about it now. As much as I hated to admit it at first, adoption was probably the best decision for my child and myself, considering my circumstances, and the œtime period and how society felt about illegitimate children to unmarried women; letԒs not forget that it was a different world back then. Murphy BrownӔ did not yet exist. There were no programs in schools for pregnant teens. A pregnant girl was not even allowed to finish high school, let alone go on to college. Not only was there a stigma against unwed mothers, but there was also a stigma against their innocent childrenpeople took illegitimacy seriously in those days. Jobs? What kind of job could an uneducated, unwed mother get? Sad to hear that now in this time and age the narrow thinking of the ב60s, isnt it? Back in 1968 there were no resources for unwed single mothers and oneҒs child was labeled a bastardђ. I did not want you growing up with that stigma of being a bastard or illegitimate child. I wish I had had the courage to strike out on my own, unfortunately I had no financial means, but also lacked the vision, courage, conviction, confidence and willingness to make the sacrifice that such a decision required. I have regretted it these past 38 years. I have always regretted not having the courage to get myself properly sorted before you were born and for not having the courage to stand up to my parents and society in general. Its easier said than done in hindsight and I have to live with it but if I could go back and change things I would have parented, unfortunately there are no do-overs. I am tired of feeling like I am a bad birthmother. These feelings come from a society that did not realize ғwhat adoption did to all concerned. And the guilt of shame that they put upon us. Guilt is about the things I do Ԗ such as getting myself into a situation to get myself pregnant to begin with; shame is about feeling badly about who I was and am as a person somehow less-than and not worthy. Shame drove me to do almost anything in the world to avoid feeling badly. It has finally been lifted and I now have some empathy/sympathy for that lost young woman in the ֑60s, who looked for love in all the wrong places and terrified out of her mind, chose the easier, softer way, some would say. I will always be the bad abandoning mother. I had no clue what it was going to do to me to relinquish a child, my child, part of my very being... a part of my fabric physically, emotionally and spirituallyօ Sorry, getting a bit raw here I am emotionally loaded writing this and have the belief that the truth may be thick in the beginning but it has a chance to thin out as time passes! I have moved past that point to a place of healing. But I truly want to be honest with you, M, so I need to write this to you. I value honest feelings and mean no harm, I just want to be heard for who I was and am and what I feel. I am sorry I could not parent you, but I am content that you had the life I wanted you to have, and a life I could not give or provide you at that time. Years ago I thought I was doing the right thing for us both but it probably wasnŒt and I wonder if you will find it in your heart to forgive me? I did the best I could with the knowledge that I had at the time. And I have forgiven my parents for back then who surely believed in their hearts that encouraging me/us to relinquish was the best thingŅ they were unable maybe and unaware of the life-long ramifications that would result. It was how things were done, as awful as that may have been; I trusted in them and forgive and understand how society/social mores were back then; as forgiveness and understanding seems that they will lighten the load and allow for more joy; letting go of the anger brings a freedom of spirit Also, IF I chose adoption, I could be assured that my child would have both a mother and a father who were always there. If I kept you, you would have had no father figure. That was one thing that really made me sad. I tried to imagine what my life would have been like without my father! My father was always there when I was a little girl, and through my teens, twenties, etc through more than half my life time before he died in 2000. While I was staying at St. AnneŒs, he would take me to the Los Angeles Kings ice hockey games on weekends when they played in town, which I looked forward to each time and dearly loved! And have always kept this in my heart! I knew he still loved me even though I was going to give up his only grand child for adoption. I was Daddys little girl. Without my father, those happy and fun memories wouldnҒt be there. And maybe youd have brothers or sisters. If I ever had any more children, it would be years down the road. They would not at all be close in age. IF I chose adoption, my child would be guaranteed a good life. A life without poverty. IF I chose adoption, I could complete my college education and prepare myself for a successful future and become a productive member of society. I could concentrate on school and a part time job and not have to attempt to fit parenting into that equation. Adoption was of course the logical answer for my situation. They (State Dept of ChildrenҒs Services) told me adoption was the best choice. I did what everyone said was best for my child at the time, and times dictated adoption. I was unmarried and though 21, was not prepared to take on the responsibilities of being an unmarried mother. They told me my baby would have two loving parents, a good home and all of the advantages I was too young and inexperienced to provide at that time with no money for medical expenses that might come up, food, shelter, among other things. They also told me that this was an opportunity for me to go on with my life finish school, find a loving husband and have other children. They didnŒt tell me about the haunting dreams, the unanswered questions and terrible ache that remained with me for the rest of my life. They didnt tell me that you can never replace that lost child. The only problem was my aching heart. I wanted so badly to be a good mother to this unborn baby that was kicking around inside of me. I would love her beyond comprehension. I would do everything in my power to take care of her and to be a good mother to her. But the fact of the matter was, MY BEST WAS NOT GOOD ENOUGH. Not at that point in my life and not in that period of societyҒs denial of unmarried women raising their own child in a one parent home. Yes, unfortunately it was like that and only 38 years ago, so hard to believe but true! Thankfully, the stigma has definitely changed by leaps and bounds and thats a good thing! Hopefully your views arenҒt just black and white on relinquishment. Theres an excellent book called ғThe Girls Who Went Away by Ann Fessler Ԗ who is an adoptee herself and it opens the eyes to the realities of what I/we went through and that we did have feelings when we relinquished. I hope you֒ll give it a read! Since I loved this unborn baby already to the incredible great extent that I did, I wanted only the BEST for you. The BEST most beautiful baby nursery. The BEST foods. The BEST medical care. The BEST schools. The BEST neighborhood to live in. And I wanted the BEST parents for you. Sadly, I knew I was not that nor could I have provided you with all of that. My love would always be there. But love doesnt put food on the table. Love doesnҒt put clothes on your back. Love doesnt pay tuition. Love doesnҒt keep the house from getting broken into because youre forced to live in a bad neighborhood. Love doesnҒt buy toys, strollers, cribs, bottles, medicine, etc. It is not my familys or friendsҒ responsibility to provide me with the cost of living. Nor is it the responsibility of the government and tax payers to take care of my situation because I chose to be irresponsible and bring a child into the world when I was not ready or capable of taking care of her on my own. Yes, I could have taken this baby home from the hospital with me and I could have made it work. I could have gotten by, but thats all IҒd be doing is JUST getting byӔ. I am not the type of person who settles for second best. Just getting byӔ isnt good enough for me, or a child of mine. My child deserves better. You did deserve better, M! But I changed my mind every other day at St. AnneҒs. One day adoption seemed like the best decision I could ever possibly make, and then the next day I was adamantly against it, trying to convince myself that I was going to be the perfect mother (amidst the unicorns and fairy godmothers running around in the front yard of our palace). Hopefully someday you will come to understand all the reasons why I could not be a good mother to you at that time, and why I chose adoption and the family that you are now a part of and always will be, M! It was in no way because I didn֒t WANT you. I wanted you more than anything in the world, but first and foremost, I wanted what was best for YOU, and someday I hope you will know and understand that. Yes, it WAS the hardest decision Ive made in this life time; and I came to the realization that I COULD get through this. I wasnҒt going to become severely depressed for the rest of my life, I wasnt going to fall off the deep end, or lose my sanity. Yes, it was hard Җ and I cried until it seemed like I couldnt shed another tear. During all those years of silence there was no one with whom I could share my guilt and pain. I donҒt even remember the next 2 to 3 years after your birth, it was like I was walking around in a fog. I experienced overwhelming heartache and missed you more than anything in the world, especially your first birthday and all of the birthdays to follow. Mothers Days were hard, and so were the many holidays when all of the family is together. It always feels like someone is missing. You learn to deal with it though, and light a candle in my heart and mind for that precious child that I not only gave life to, but a wonderful life to live in. Memories donҒt cease to exist just because we have no tangible items from a specific time in life. I loved you so much, but there were no options for me to keep you, so sadly I gave you up, hoping that you would be loved as I loved you. My love and you will always be a part of my heart. Quote from Pascal ֓The heart has reasons that reason cannot know. On the early evening hours of May 14, 1969, the most beautiful baby girl was born. After quite a few hours of labor (!!), I went in about 12 noon and you were ԓbreeched so they wanted to wait until you turned around on your own. Unfortunately, you did not. I guess you wanted to jump into this life feet first! And you finally (!) arrived at 5:25pm, all 8 pounds 4 ounces and 20 Խ inches! I finally got to set my eyes on you the little acrobat who used to do somersaults and high kicks around in my belly while I was trying to sleep so many countless nights. I֒ll never forget the sound of your very first cry. You were more perfect than I could have ever, ever imagined. And so tiny! Why did you have to make her sooo cute, God! Now itӒs going to be even harder to part with her! When they placed you in my arms for the first time, I felt such a sea of emotions. Here she is! Finally! After all of this waiting! But then IԒd suddenly become so sad as I remembered I wasnt going to get to take you home with me. I forced myself to concentrate on your glowing smiles, and the dreams of a great family for you were going to come true through adoption. I thought it might make it even harder to part with you if I spent too much time with you in the hospital. But the fact of the matter was, I had already grown attached to you throughout my pregnancy. I didnҒt want to risk the regret of not having spent time with you, so I had the nurse bring you to me the next day. I was there all by myself with you for a few hours each day before I had to leave St. Annes. I stroked your soft light brown hair and touched your warm little cheeks. Every so often you would flash a beautiful little dream smile at me. You were an unexpected, but very loved, and a very wanted miracle. I whispered to you that you were the most beautiful baby girl and told you how much I loved you. Those three days that I got to spend with you were the best days of my entire life. I wanted those days to last forever, but sadly I knew they would come to an end, and all too soon. IҒm forever changed. If I only understood what a huge price falling in love would carry. As a result of my mistake, I had been stripped of my dignity, my self-esteem, and my faith and trust in others. Most of all, Id been stripped of my motherhood when I left St. AnneҒs. I didnt like the idea of just leaving you there in the hospital, I wanted to be the one to hand you over to your adoptive parents and to say my final goodbye to you. I always knew saying ғgoodbye was going to be painful, I just didnԒt know it would be to this devastating degree. Just how do I say goodbyeӔ to my very own child, the child I love with all that I am? How can this possibly be in Gods plan for me? This has to be a mistake!!? IҒm a good person. God is all-forgiving, isnt he? ThatҒs what Id been taught. So why am I being punished? This pain is so intense it takes my breath away҅ but I must endure the pain of relinquishment. And thankfully, I did get to say goodbyeӔ when I signed the adoption papers on June 2. They let me see and hold you for a whole ten minutes and I whispered to you then Id always love you and that I would find you one day and you gave me the biggest smile I had ever seen. Perhaps, that is one reason your letter sounded so angry to me Җ that I didnt find you sooner - ?? Җ or maybe not! You were only 18 days old, so I dont know if you would remember that; but maybe you did subconsciously! But those last moments of your smile never left my memory even when everything else was buried. It was 38 years ago on May 14, 1969 the most precious gift of love was given to me by God. The only child I was ever to have. I decided unselfishly to give my beautiful daughter whom I named S C up for adoption and be M K. To a good life I was unable to provide at that time. I gave my heart away. No one, unless they have ever actually done this, could EVER understand the strength that was involved to walk away from that Van Nuys adoption office that day. ItҒs part of the mystery of adoption, M, its part of how we donҒt really understand what adoption is or how it effects all the people involved. I believe theres so much emotion in adoption that itҒs hard for anyone whose life has been touched by it to step back from their own experience, perspective, and opinion to recognize that others may see things very differently. As you and your mother do. Each one of us have quite different fears and perspective and each one should be recognized! I just held my breath and held my head up high and prayed to God for strength. I managed to get through it, but I know it would have been twice as hard if I didnt have so much support and love from my family and friends and especially God. They really carried me through it all. Not a day went by that I didnҒt think of you in some way, shape or form! I am extremely proud of my decision because it worked out so positively for everyone involved. You won! You were part of a loving and stable family. You went to good schools, had awesome vacations that I could never have taken you on (I hope!). A mom and dad and tons of extended family who all love you so much. Your adoptive parents won. Their dreams of a child became a reality with my gift of love to them. They got to be proud parents of a beautiful child, when they once thought it was an impossibility. I won. I got to continue my college education, found a great job, traveled a bit, and finally met the man of my dreams who is my soul-mate. Had I not made adoption plans, my life would have taken a completely different route, to different cities and I might never have met my soul mate, L and had the life I have now, and you yours. After all is said and done, I can proudly say that I have no regrets now that I know you have been safe and loved and I am very content with my decision. Unfortunately, I did not have any more children, but I still consider myself a natural-, first-, birth-, biological-mother (which ever way you prefer to call it!), but I did become a mother. But you are right too! No one has ever said ֑Happy Mothers DayҒ to me You wondered what made me decide to search. I canŒt remember exactly why I went looking for you was I looking for answers, was I looking for a piece of myself that had been missing for 36 years? I thought of you so often in the last few years, wondering and pondering what your life is like now, what I could have done to have kept you but knowing that it was impossible, but mostly it was my promise to you when you were only 18 days old! I needed to know I did the right thing and that the people who wanted a daughter so desperately were good and loving. I gave you up because I loved you so much it hurt. Today I listened to a song that was playing on the radio when I left the adoption agency that day Ŗ Gale Garnett sang WeӒll Sing in the Sunshine and I cried and cried. ItԒs amazing, though 38 years have passed, the hurt was still so deep that I almost couldnt breath, as my life had changed forever on that day. I had a flashback of that afternoon minute by minute. It is amazing how one song from the ґ60s can bring back such memories! Ive learned from the adoption forums that birth mothers protect themselves from the pain that we go through by distancing ourselves from that one instance, that one moment when we loved our children more than life itself҅ sometimes its the hardest thing to do for us to have to go back to that moment Җ thinking that no one will ever know the pain, the hurt, the feeling that we were abandoning our baby (when we did it for the best of reasons). And the fear that our child will not understand what we did and the reasons that we did it. It was really important to me, because I needed to know that you were alive and safe and healthy and loved. Imagine not knowing for so many years it made it very difficult for me. I just want to share that with you, M, so that you can understand why, even though the adoption was closed, I took the risk of opening it up ֖ not to be another mother to you, not to ruin or complicate your life; never meant to cause harm; I never meant to hurt anyone either. But to know that you were okay and perhaps, if you let me, to get to know you and allow yourself to get to know me. You hear all about kids being kidnapped, found dead, etc. I wanted to make sure you were not one of them! Or you could have been in Manhattan on September 11th. I am SO thrilled and relieved to find you alive and well!! But from where I stand, it seems I did both. This was never my intentions! You are an adult and I probably should have waited until you searched for me but at the time I wasnŒt sure if you even knew you were adopted and that was why you werent searching for me. It has warmed my heart just to hear from your mother, and the little that she did tell me about your childhood! But I know from what she did tell me that you did have a good life! You wanted for nothing and had/have a loving family! You have experienced things in life that I would never had been able to give you the opportunity to do. Also, I need to let you know that I had NO idea that your heart condition was so serious! I was only told that you had a very tiny hole in your heart, and it would ғrepair itself and I need not worry (but of course I did). I couldnԒt believe what you had to go through in your early childhood years described by your mother in her letter to me! And am so glad to hear that it didnt hinder you whatsoever! Thank you, Jesus! And since in your letter you mentioned that you did not have medical information Җ here is what I know no genetic diseases in my family, except for a condition I have inherited from my maternal grandmother ֖ retinal degeneration of the eyes. It only happens to olderӔ people in their 80s and on, but I was diagnosed with this in 1976 at age 29 (I guess Im just an ґold soul); the best way to describe this retinal degeneration - itҒs like if you pull chewing gum and holes appear as you stretch it further this is what happened to my retinas. I did have cryo-surgery for both my eyes in 1977 and through the 80s had laser shots into my retinas to repair any new holes or tears appearing. As of the early 90s I have not needed anymore laser shots, but do have yearly check ups on my eyes. So I would suggest that you see an eye specialist doctor in retinal diseases to have this checked out. I wanted to mention that I did send a letter to the Adoption Agency in 1977 telling them about my retinal degeneration, and I֒m hoping that your parents received notice of this. I had a complete physical when I turned 50 (10 years ago) and the Doctor said I was a perfect specimen of a healthy 50 year old femaleӔ. Now I just have the beginnings of osteo-arthritis in my hips and neck so you will need to check out your bone density, etc. My mother has the same problems and received a new right hip at 80 years old. In late-2005 I started to lose weight. I was 150 plus a few pounds (my husband is a great cook!) and I was losing like 2 pounds a month. Finally in April ֒06 I went to my medical doctor, who suspecting leukemia, then sent me to an oncologist and then went to five different doctors in 8 months. And after lab and blood tests too numerous to count, and dozens of x-rays and MRIs, the Doctors couldnt figure out why I was losing all this weight, as all the tests came back normal. I now weigh about 110 lbs Җ and feel terrific! Maybe the weightђ was from carrying this weight on my shouldersӔ (your relinquishment) and finally after starting my search for you it was just lifted off of meօ I dont know, and neither do any of the doctors! So here is a list of known medical information: no diabetes or high or low blood pressure, no epilepsy, asthma, emphysema or other lung conditions, no tuberculosis, stomach, liver or gallbladder diseases, no kidney or bladder conditions, no blood disease, no heart trouble (but my father had a heart attack in Ғ84 at age 67 and had a quadruple bypass; and lived another 16 years, dying of inoperable lung cancer at age 83. He was a heavy smoker from very early on in his life.) No high or low cholesterol, no heartburn or ulcers, and no migraine headaches. Basically, Im pretty healthy with no problems! I hope this helps you with your medical history, and if you have any specific questions, IҒm here for you! Unfortunately on June 8th, 2007, I learned that my sister, M, has been diagnosed with lymph-node Stage 2 cancer (groin/abdominal) and started chemotherapy treatments; she finished her last month of treatments in October, 2007 and the cancer has shrunk quite a bit, so that is good news! And her doctor says this is not hereditary. M I know that I֒m a stranger to you but I had a bond with you for 9 months and the 3 days after your birth. Fortunately for the both of us ֖ two of the most wonderful and loving people on this earth raised and loved you! It really wasnt about what I ғneeded or ԓwanted to do Ԗ it was what YOU neededӔ! Did I walk away? No, of course not. Did I want you to spend the rest of your life away from me? No, I didnt. I never want to replace your parents, I just want you to know me for the person that I am ғthe birth mother who loved you more than life itself. The birth mother who protected you while you grew in my stomach. The birth mother who thought about what was best for you. The birth mother who loves you today, tomorrow and always. Yes, I relinquished you, but it was never a rejection. It was done out of love for you and hoping youԒd have a better life than what I could give. I tried to make the best and most loving decision I could for you, M. It was a gut wrenching decision and NOT easy! I was able to place you with a family that has loved you and did their best. I always carried you in my heart I thought about you throughout the years; I prayed that you were safe, healthy and loved! And am SO glad to find out that you were! It has brought me a lot of peace of mind to finally know that you were actually alive and have the life I dreamed and hoped you would!! You have the ֓say in what happens now, as you mentioned in your letter, as I had the ԓsay when I relinquished you! I most certainly WANT you in my life Ԗ you mean the world to me! I would love to have a friendshipӔ with you. You dont need another mother. Karen IS your mother! I cannot ever replace your mother and your mother cannot replace me either҅ And I must say she is a very loving, protective, and caring mother, as I found out just talking with her on the phone. I am happy to hear she considers you her best friend. Whats that saying? You have a wonderful family Җ and dont need another one, but one can never have enough friends Җ yes? And that is ALL I want from you, M, a friendship. And again I am SO sorry that I threw your world into turmoil and made you angry and upset with me when I first contacted you. I never realized that I would do this to you. Please believe me! I thought youd be thrilled to finally know I was still out there Җ as I felt, when I found out you were alive out there somewhere! What a sigh of relief that was after 35 years of not knowing. But now after talking with other adoptees I understand that your feelings and emotions are normal for adoptees regarding reunions with their birth mothers. Maybe feelings of betraying your Mom and Dad if you spoke with me; the only parents you have known that have been good to you, there is also a loyalty issue. Their feeling threatened, circumvented, and excluded. Perhaps some self-protection from your feelings of rejection and maybe some sense of betrayal at having been given up. A sense of unreality about me you know nothing about. Thats the last thing I want anyone to feel! Actually, I really donҒt know and probably shouldnt guess, eh? Do I want too much Җ probably. Did I hurt you yes! Can I fix it ֖ no, probably not! And this letter is probably not a help either since you did ask me not to contact you. I truly hope this letter does not hinder our communications, as I do not want to chase you away either!! I just wanted you to know all that IŒve written to you maybe it would help in your decisions ֖ and I needed to tell you all this, if you never do consider having contact. So now that I have forgiven myself, I wonder if you can ever forgive me? I hope so, as I did the best that I could 38 years ago. We did the best we could and if we did not do it right then, we were in a place where we did not see how to do it right! Society at that time said that, but is it true? Surely, we are older and wiser and donŒt buy that crap! I getӔ the guilt part, but Ive had to deal with it Җ finally! Time has a way of changing. Remember the only constant in life IS change. Why live a cookie-cutter life when there are so many more fascinating things outside the box? Much of life IS chances we take, the love we give when we dont think we ever had it in us! Life is chaos҅ hope and love. Relinquishment is still the most painful thing I have done, but I find comfort in knowing your parents opened their hearts and home and raised you as their own. I do hope one day you will understand that my head wasnŒt messed up I wasnŒt drugged out, or an alcoholic, etc. I did this because of my love for you. I also hope one day your parents will know that I do understand they are your parents and hope I get the opportunity to hug them both. Yes, I have love in my heart for them too, they love my daughter and they protected her. I can tell that your parents did care about me. You were raised with full knowledge of your adoption and they shared my heritage, Latvian with you; that makes me truly happy, M, that your mom told me about this in her letter and you in yours. And since you knew that, I thought you would be open to contact! Again, M, I am truly sorry to throw your emotions into chaos and made you SO angry with me! I now understand that your feelings and emotions are normal for adoptees regarding reunions with their birth mothers, as I said before. There are two books that an another adoptee mentioned that might also help. Both are by Nancy Verrier ֓The Primal Wound and the sequel ԓComing Home to Self. Maybe it can help you to understand your angry feelings, and other emotions you might be feeling But IԒve heard that the first book I mentioned is pretty raw and candid! You have to kind of pick and choose what applies to you. And when your mother said I ask you to give her some time to process thisӅ. And that you will not pursue your search any further until you hear from her Ԗ I did not realize at the time that your mother meant herselfӔ also. That is why I called her and not you that night. I thought I had had a very nice conversation with your mom. And Im so glad I did. But I sure was not expecting your letter of January 28th, 2007. Boy Җ that really was a sock to my stomach and my heart! And that is why Ive waited 15 months now Җ hoping and praying that I would hear from you Truly I never meant any harmŅ we are strangers to one another. There is a link to be sure, but there is so much history that was never written and it takes time to develop a connection. Just thought we could maybe connectӔ after so many years. We can take it as slow as you like! But I know that this will take time and patience to establish a relationship/friendship of the kind we are both comfortable with, if you are up to it! Wouldnt you like to meet someone that actually looks like you? Have you ever wondered or wanted to know where you got your eyes and chin from? Or your hair color҅ Or your smile Or your love of music or art? I believe I would! M, I want to give you the time that you need to process all that I have thrown at you in the last year! I will understand if you donŒt feel as strongly as I do about meeting at least once! Well, once more in our life time! So if you are willing to join me in this journey, and when you are ready, I will welcome you to the Six Flags over Adoption! Home of the emotional super-duper-looper roller coaster! A Journey of a Lifetime! I hear its a great ride! So many emotions going through all involved in this ғrollercoaster ride of your life! And there are NO seat belts!! As a reunited adoptee friend of mine said Ԗ reunion is the most intense emotional experienceӅ beautiful but intense. Reunion could most likely be one of the most challenging experiences of your life. It has the ability to offer some peace, resolution and a sense of wholeness that nothing else can. With honest communication it can be fulfilling and also there is the fact that there is a mortality issue. Time isnԒt a guarantee now we have the rest of our livesŅ but time does not wait for us; the plan would be to keep our regrets to a minimum. as with our expectations! I canŒt change the past but I can look forward to the future! There are no rules to reunion, no time tables, no statue of limitation! We can take this as slow as you like, as IŒve said. I want you to know that you are important to me. It is important to me that we are honest with each. I really need for you to know the story, my story, and your story, that I had to only write this once, just to tell you. Maybe information that you never knew; but as you said in your letter ֓I have always felt like I have all the information I needed to know about you Ԗ but I really dont think you have been told the actual truth; you just know ғmy story from your parents and they in turn heard or read that in papers that a stranger wrote down at the Agency. I donԒt want you to be afraid to know me. If you have even the smallest part of me in you you will realize I pose no threat to you or your family. We just might be able to be friends. I have no anger, I have no guilt, I do have joy and regretօ joy that you had such a perfect childhood, and regret that I hadnt been part of it҅ hindsight is wonderful but not worth a whole bunch as we cannot do a thing with it. Im glad to read in your letter that you are comfortable with who you are, M Җ it makes me feel good. Im glad to get some of my feelings out there for you, and hope you come to a place of peace. I would love to have our relationship to take its own course and not force it. When I want something Җ I tend to charge full speed ahead and go for it! Patience has never been one of my finer qualities when I really want something badly. I guess I decided too quickly to want to develop as good as a relationship with you as soon as possible. I must try and be patient and rein in my need to proceed at warp speed! I guess since so much time has passed I just wanted to make up for that lost time. I know that making up for lost time is an impossibility. That time is gone and cannot be replaced, nor really make up for it. In retrospect, I overwhelmed you! I shouldn֒t have charged ahead quite so fast. I just want you to know that, when you are ready, again, remember Im here for you, now and forever! So M, hope you give this some more deep thoughts, because every day, I hope this will be the day I hear from you. I will be respectful of your wishes, if you choose to not want a relationship. I do not intent to force myself into your life. However, I want to give you the opportunity to know me, if you choose to. And if you choose not to, please thank your parents for me Җ for being the good parents that I prayed to God you would have. A good family! A good life of being loved and cherished. This was not for a loanӔ, not just for your growing up yearsӔ, but forever! I have/had no preconceptions and I will go on with my life as I have, and just be content in knowing that you are happy with who you are and where you are in your life! I do realize not every adoptee wants to meet their natural mothers. So if you choose to have nothing to do with me, it wont make me love you less. Take care҅ Smiles and good thoughts, M! Sveiks! L P.S. Since this is the first time I can actually say this to you: I hope you have a very Happy 39th Birthday this coming May! And I wish you many more great birthdays, M! I just celebrated my 60th birthday on August 31st in Riga, Latvia, as my mother asked that I celebrate it with her; so my husband and I flew over there for the celebration, and on the trip back visited my sister M and her husband R in Sweden. I would also like to congratulate you on your engagement and maybe already marriage! Hoping you found your true soul mate in this life and hope you have a healthy and prosperous one together! And I hope he makes you smile!