I'm new here and would just like some advice:

Sorry for the long post I just need some advice or help. When I was 19 I got pregnant and had my first baby boy by age 20. He was a gift from God and still is. I was a single mom, his dad has NEVER helped. He didn't even meet his son until last year when he was already 3 about to turn 4 yrs old and he still doesn't help. But when my first child was just 18 months old I got pregnant again by accident with another beautiful baby boy. I knew he was a gift from God too. I was on BC and using protection. I hid my pregnancy for awhile but see I was living with my parents paying them rent and they didn't help at all except of course allow us to live there but I paid my own bills and took care of my son and worked a very hard job especially for a pregnant woman. So I'd have to come home early sometimes and they knew something was up. I told them I was pregnant and they were furious. They wanted me out of their house. Even though I paid for everything and stuck to myself and gave them privacy they didnt want me having another baby in their household. So they gave me a choice of giving my baby up for adoption or they were gonna kick me/us out. I said NO so many times and just ignored them and we'd argue. I can't say they "FORCED" me because they didn't like hold a gun to my head but they still gave me no choice. My 1st sons father had disappeared and my 2nd sons father moved to SC and blocked me and just told me to get an abortion. I called family and friends and no one would even give us a place to stay until I could find my own apartment but I couldn't afford daycare for a newborn and 18 month old and a car payment and a even more expensive rent payment then i was already paying. So I agreed to MEET with the family. They were close friends of ours at a church and they promised me pictures, videos, they promised I could come see him and come to his birthdays ect, ect. I still said no but thought it was my only choice. My own family didn't wanna help me and my kids fathers were GONE. So I contacted them back and agreed as long as I could see him. Well the day i gave birth I told no one except my parents. Just me and my newborn and my 18 month old son up there hanging out. and I texted and called everyone and I was like NO I love my son I cannot just abandon him like that, I'm sorry but I'm not doing the adoption. Even though the family he was gonna be with are pastors, they're loaded rich, and have 2 other kids and are very loving. I still said no. I LOVE him. I didn't want to let him go. My mom came up there and was like "baby you have to do this cause you can't take care of 2 babies under 2 all alone with the little amount of money you make and you can't live with us anymore." I tried getting other jobs and getting government assistance. They wouldn't let me. So I told her I'd think about it but when the hospital sent us home the people were already there!!!! I told them to leave. I didn't sign anything and I have told yall NO several times. I didn't agree to a thing I said I would think that's why I havent signed anything. So my parents were like well your gonna be homeless with 2 kids and then the people just left with my baby. They said it was illegal if I didn't even though I hadn't signed anything. Never talked to an adoption agency or lawyer. Like they jsut disappeared. they blocked me on EVERYTHING. changed their numbers. they even went as far as saying i was harassing them and stalking them so they got restraining orders on me. I called the police, CPS, lawyers, judges and explained everything to everyone and that i didnt sign anything. they wouldn't help, they said I was crazy. the family told me to go kill myself and that he was their son now and to leave them alone. I have their address but like I said I cant go up there without getting arrested and I have my other son to think of. They tell everyone I hated my baby and was on drugs and was gonna get an abortion and that's why they saved him from me. But none of that is true. I never wanted an abortion and never even thought about it and I never did/do drugs and I wanted and still want my baby! Now even when I make fake facebook/yt/instagrams they find out magically and block me! they wont even allow me to see what he looks like. idk what my child sounds like and he is 2 years old now. Idk how he smells or what he likes in toys or even what size clothes. I send him gifts to the address I have and I send letters but idk if they live there anymore I just send them so hopefully he knows I love him. but for 18 years until I can legally contact him he is gonna think i wanted to abort him and that I was on drugs and just gave him away. but I didn't I faught for him. I even called lawyers and police and PI's but no one would or could help. I think about him everyday/all day and i just miss him. theres so much hurt and pain and idk what to do. they've somehow changed his last name to theirs and i didnt even agree to that or sign anything. but I have his SS number and the SS office said his number is the same but the last name is not the same as mine. idk how but they legally adopted him. I've tried for 2 years to get him back and I've spent all the money I could and still lost. I feel horrible. I'm sad. I dont eat, sleep, shower, sometimes I overeat to help with the pain, sometimes i get so drunk I dont rememeber things and I honestly just dont know what else to do. I'm with a man that loves my child like his own and he loves him like a dad. He takes care of our son, chores, works, cares for us. and I'm just useless cause I cant even get outta bed and it's been 2 years. I miss him. What should I do? medicines dont help. I have no friends or family cause they think I just abandoned my baby too. but I didnt. Do you all think I was horrible? what should I have done? help me. please I have no one to talk to and I'm thinking of just running away. theres nothing I can do. I've tried it all. I know I'm a horrible person. But advice or anything would be highly appreciated.