My Journey

At this time, last year, I took a leap of faith and started on a journey to find out about me. I was adopted as an infant. My adoption was a closed adoption meaning my file was sealed. I always knew that I was adopted, my parents told me at a young age. It’s not something that I remember being told, I just always knew… but that’s all I knew! We never really talked about it and I never really felt the need to ask. Being adopted was always something I kept private. I just didn’t want anyone to think that I didn’t love my parents like they love their parents. I didn’t want to be different! However; growing up knowing that I was adopted I did feel different, I also felt ashamed and alone. I don’t really know why I felt this way. Maybe because my story was different from my friends. Maybe because I always felt the need to keep my adoption a secret or private. My parents and my brother loved me beyond measure and I grew up in a loving home, that was never the issue! Being adopted was just always something I wondered about and it would come up in certain times in my life. It would come up in school when I had to do projects on my heritage or family traits. It would come up when people would ask me questions like why are you so short or why do you have olive skin. I would just make a joke and say, I got the brains and my brother got the height. Really it would make me feel bad about myself because I really didn’t know. It would come up when I would go to the doctor and I didn’t know the answers to the questions. I also never asked my parents about my adoption because I didn’t want them to think that I didn’t love them or that we were different. I always tried to make my parents proud of me! I was a good kid, I played sports, I was good in school, I graduated from high school and college, I became successful, I got married and I started a family. Growing up my family had problems just as any other family would have but that wasn’t the reason that I needed to go on this journey. My marriage has hit some challenges along the way but that wasn’t the reason that I needed to go on this journey either. Going on this journey had nothing to do with how much I loved my parents or my family, that love will never change! Now, in my late 40’s, I needed to find out the questions that I wondered about throughout my life. I needed it for myself! I needed to find out my heritage, my medical history, who I resembled, why I was so short, why I had olive skin, why I was a good athlete and many other questions, such as… my story of why I was given up for adoption. I needed to find my birth-family and if they were okay or if they ever thought about me! I wondered if we had ever crossed paths. I wondered about my birth-mom and I had many questions for her! I wondered if my birth-mom survived giving me up! I wondered if she gave me up because it was best for me, if it was out of love or why. I wondered what her story was, what our story was and if she loved me! I wondered if the stories that I made up in my head were true. I had so many questions that I can’t even write them all down! So I took a leap of faith and started on my adoption journey. On this journey, there has been many emotions that I was in no way prepared for and that I did not know I would have to face! If you want to hear more of my story… I will share in future posts.