Well things seem to panning out to something a bit more steady and comfortable!!!
I had a phone call 29 Feb from son's mom and she was THRILLED with the bouquet I sent her. She was so moved, touched, it made it all worthwhile for me, as I was worried. (why?, on reflection, why? - in case it made our son feel I was encroaching into his family before he was ready, yabba yabba).
Anyway, after she'd finished talking to me she handed me over to our son who'd just come in and beckoned to speak to me (yaaaaah progress or what?) and he said that his mom was in tears when she got the bouquet - she never gets flowers! Wow, you can tell its a household of men! never? well, there you go, I hope I shamed them all ! LOL.
Son said that his mom had suggested that they have me for a sunday meal sometime and he freaked out and so did I!! WOW! Nice thought, LOVELY thought, but neither of us could cope with that right now!!! BUT - it shows the knitting together of the triad (I hate that word, sounds like we are robots or somethin' - if you notice I've tried not to use amom and so on.... is it still easy to read? ) so I will say its the knitting together of family feelings that have all been hurt by this.
What was sooo interesting about hearing my son talk is that I notice even more that he is sounding almost babyish when he talks, excited like a small child. Is regression something that continues for years? I must ask Nancy about that one.
But back to - Son Җ who is still struggling with feelings aroused by the fact both he and his Grandpa wants to be in touch. He said he has approached the PC soooo many times and just couldn't do it - the emotions were overwhelming. Well I sent him an email just now to say don't leave it MUCH longer, as Grandpa is 80, very overweight and I'd hate for him to lose the chance if you get what I mean, because he'd hesitated for too long.....
so I asked if it would help if Grandpa emailed him first. That may be better, break the ice, may make it easier for him to deal with it. In the meantime, its a good 10 days since I was active on these forums and thereby tells a tale... yes I have met someone special so I֒m not saying anything else, as Im ҅. Scared, yeh scared, that this is going to vaporize from my grasp. Its been so good, emails, texts phone calls for two months, and we met up Saturday. but part of me is nervous that this is going to leave me falling flat on my face, I guess VULNERABLE is key word here Ŗ wow us mothers know all about that eh?
So this is a welcome distraction and relief from the pain of 2 extremely difficult reunion years and is very welcome I can tell you. More about that when I think it really is happening (if you get what I mean...). Yeeeeee.... I think I'm regressing... LOL !!!! ha ha
My counsellor recently wrote to me to keep my feet on the ground regarding my son, as I have to be careful not to push, even though its starting to take good shape. Heres what she said:
In my experience, personal as well as professional, two years into a reunion is not a long time, and of course every reunion is different. The only thing we can ever be sure of, and I've lost count of the times I've said this to a client, is that things have to be taken at the adoptee's pace. Bear in mind that you are dealing not with an adult, but with a regressed, terrified infant who has huge issues of abandonment and loss.
The fear, albeit unconscious, can be "You abandoned me once. How do I know you wont do it again?" They need time to develop trust. Bearing in mind that an inevitable part of the grieving process is anger, we birthmothers in reunion have to accept that sometimes - somewhere inside - our children are raging at us. sometimes, we just have to give them the space they need to process their complex - often overwhelming - emotions.
Part of the counselling pre-reunion with an adopted adult is about helping him/her think about what they actually want from the experience and what the expectations & hopes might be. Without pulling out your file, I'm vague at the moment at what support T had pre-reunion. I wonder what his hopes and expectations were. Did he have professional support to think these through? What was he actually looking for? Has he ever said?
Be careful of pushing him, Janny. Always be careful. Post-adoption reunion in the early days (and you still are in the early days) is a fragile phenomenon. Remember that, in many ways, you are still a stranger to your son, just as he is to you. That's the thing about reunion. Two strangers meet, but these are strangers with a primal connection and a huge history. It's complex, and it can be unbelievably difficult. For we birthmothers, patience is the name of the game.
You have a good reunion, Janny, with so much potential. It's precious, but it's still fragile. Be gentle with it. Handle it with care.
My husband and I were in Sweden last week for our grandson's baptism. As part of the ceremony, our daughter in law read a poem. The English translation is below.
The Moment of Joy
Is it true that I'm holding a child in my arms and see myself in its eyes?
That the sea is glittering and the earth is warm and the sky completely clear?
What age is this what year is this?
Who and I, what is my name?
You joyful bundle with sun bleached hair
How did you come to be in my arms?
I'm alive, I'm alive!
I'm here on Earth.
Where have I been before?
It seems I've waited a million years for this joyous moment.
You have waited a million years, Janny. I'm sure you can be patient a little while longer. You'll have more ups and you'll have more downs - be sure of this. But, your patience, your understanding, and your ability to give your son the space he needs are what will help the pair of you find your way. Always remember, you are the parent in this situation. T is the child.
Take good care now.
Since I started this journal, my son has phoned and I don't know how but I got him to regress. It really did him some good, to help him with his pain, to face it, rather than bury it in justifying how adoption has made him the person he is today and try time and time again to give up the drink, only to succumb. I knew that until he faced his pain, he would not be successful. So, I don't know, but something, call it instinct kicked in and I spoke to him in such a way, that is extremely private, but similar to what Ravensong encouraged me to do way back and that is to visualise my son in my arms as a little boy and speak soothing things to him. This time I did it for real. The effect on him was amazing and he struggled a bit, as part of him was fighting it, but eventually after quiet periods of just 'feeling' him nuzzled up figuratively speaking, but putting personal things in words (not prepared to share that), it seemed to reach him. If anyone wants to know further, then PM me, but I don't really want to put much more, but it may give others some ideas if their children are struggling with their pain in reunion. I encouraged my son when he feels overwhelmed and I'm not available, to visualise what we did over and see if it helps.
Just got an email from his grandpa to say he's written to his grandson for the first time...... this is all sooo amazing for me, the strands are starting to thread together to make my son feel his roots for the first time in his life. That has to be amazin'. No wonder he is overwhelmed at the minute, but the 'regression' seemed to soothe him, he will need it for when he gets his first email from his grandpa. Amazing stuff. I can't believe this. So much hard work, now here are the results.