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Aaron Smith replied on vtwisher's thread "Adoptive Mother's Feelings Of Betrayal".
There are many parallels with your story, that I did.1) joined the military and went on active service 2) decided to find my biological family 3) did it without assistance 4) felt welcomed by biological family.Your son is a champion and I wish him well. I was adopted at birth. My adopted family never made me feel welcome. I was born addicted to drugs and my family never let me forget it, nor did they forgive me for it. "If you were the first, you'd be the last" was their favourite saying to me."We didn't want you, we wanted a girl, but we figured if we rejected you, we would never get another chance, so we unfortunately settled for you""We adopted you and saved you from an orphanage. You should be thanking us for feeding and clothing you"."There was a reason why you were given away, and your sister kept""Where is the extra marks" gets 97% in mathsI have vivid memories of physical and emotional abuse I lost count, but one at the age of 7 being hit in the face with a hairbrush and told "I wish I never adopted you" the look in her eyes told me she wasn't lying. There were no hugs, no support, just nasty comments, criticisms which made me hate myself. There is something in the way you wrote which brought back memories. Just as you think the child owes you, they don't. They don't owe you a thing, and I strongly bet this man is so independent that he would rather starve to death than ask you for any action that will he thrown into his face the next time you decide to over act, and try to guilt your own feelings upon him.If I had the chance to pick my adopted family, the abusive ones I got would never even make the top billion. I hope that you get some therapy, because the more you think your son betrayed you, the more he is going to pull away. He has a new family to bond with, if you were, and I have no evidence just going off my own experience, he doesn't need you any more. It's his choice to include you in his life, and if you act like a spoilt brat he is going to never want you close. I left home at 18, and for the last 24 years have had very little to do with my adopted family. I have a great relationship with my sister, and nothing to do with the biological mother. You may even find he has asked for answers, or tried to mend fences, but being shutdown by you or your husband he just can't continue to limit his own pain for exampleMe "a lot of things have gone unsaid, I always felt not good enough for you, I never felt loved, and hated myself growing up."Father "It's all in your head"Then they wonder why it's been 5 years since I last spoke. For me the thought of spending time with them gives me anxiety. Since I no longer drink or smoke pot, being in a 100 mile radius is a little too close for comfort. I hope you work it out, and remember him finding his siblings isn't about you. You can either play nice, or play by yourself. But if you choose to play by yourself, it can be decades before he forgives you.
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Aaron Smith replied on vtwisher's thread "Adoptive Mother's Feelings Of Betrayal".
There are many parallels with your story, that I did.1) joined the military and went on active service 2) decided to find my biological family 3) did it without assistance 4) felt welcomed by biological family.Your son is a champion and I wish him well. I was adopted at birth. My adopted family never made me feel welcome. I was born addicted to drugs and my family never let me forget it, nor did they forgive me for it. "If you were the first, you'd be the last" was their favourite saying to me."We didn't want you, we wanted a girl, but we figured if we rejected you, we would never get another chance, so we unfortunately settled for you""We adopted you and saved you from an orphanage. You should be thanking us for feeding and clothing you"."There was a reason why you were given away, and your sister kept""Where is the extra marks" gets 97% in mathsI have vivid memories of physical and emotional abuse I lost count, but one at the age of 7 being hit in the face with a hairbrush and told "I wish I never adopted you" the look in her eyes told me she wasn't lying. There were no hugs, no support, just nasty comments, criticisms which made me hate myself. There is something in the way you wrote which brought back memories. Just as you think the child owes you, they don't. They don't owe you a thing, and I strongly bet this man is so independent that he would rather starve to death than ask you for any action that will he thrown into his face the next time you decide to over act, and try to guilt your own feelings upon him.If I had the chance to pick my adopted family, the abusive ones I got would never even make the top billion. I hope that you get some therapy, because the more you think your son betrayed you, the more he is going to pull away. He has a new family to bond with, if you were, and I have no evidence just going off my own experience, he doesn't need you any more. It's his choice to include you in his life, and if you act like a spoilt brat he is going to never want you close. I left home at 18, and for the last 24 years have had very little to do with my adopted family. I have a great relationship with my sister, and nothing to do with the biological mother. You may even find he has asked for answers, or tried to mend fences, but being shutdown by you or your husband he just can't continue to limit his own pain for exampleMe "a lot of things have gone unsaid, I always felt not good enough for you, I never felt loved, and hated myself growing up."Father "It's all in your head"Then they wonder why it's been 5 years since I last spoke. For me the thought of spending time with them gives me anxiety. Since I no longer drink or smoke pot, being in a 100 mile radius is a little too close for comfort. I hope you work it out, and remember him finding his siblings isn't about you. You can either play nice, or play by yourself. But if you choose to play by yourself, it can be decades before he forgives you.