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My husband and I are in an open adoption with our daughters birth family. We adopted our "Gift" 21 months ago. At that time the bmom already had 2 children and said she could not financially afford another child (she had also given a child up for adoption before her other two children were born). Our visits are on again, off again - depending on situations, but we have a good relationship with the birth family. We recently found out the bmom is pregnant again (due Sept.), but plans to keep this child. She said it was really hard on them when they gave Jordan up for adoption even though they found good parents, etc. The sad part is that they are in worse financial shape than before and we feel they are keeping this child out of remorse.
But our problem is explaining to Jordan that 2 years after her bmom and bfather (they have been together for 7 yrs) gave her up for adption they decided to keep the next sibling. We were basically going to tell Jordan her bparents loved her enough to want the best for her, but now how do we explain they are keeping her sibling (when they are in worse financial shape?
Anyone with similar experiences??
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I have 2 adopted children from the same birthparents. After adopting our second child, we found out that not only did they have 3 children they are raising, but they have adopted out at least 7 others including my 2. My husband and I will tell our kids about their birthparents and tell them they loved them very much. We have decided no matter what our feelings may be toward the birthparents, our kids are both strong minded and will have their own opinions about the situation when they are old enough. I actually think it is kind of exciting that later in life they may get to reconnect somehow with all of their siblings and enjoy having a very large extended family. We feel the more love they can receive , the better their lives will be. I guess if I were you guys, I would tell my child about her birthparents, and if she chooses later in life to contact them, they can tell her about her younger sib. and explain themselves to her then. Hope this helps.
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All you need to say is that her bparents couldn't take care of any baby AT THAT TIME. You don't need to say it was for financial reasons, because it wasn't just about the money obviously. Their kids were younger two years ago and AT THAT TIME raising another baby was unimaginable. Now it's not unimaginable. All of us make different choices at different times in our lives.
Ultimately, since you have an open adoption, it's a question she can pose to her birth parents when she's older. The great thing about an open relationship is that you don't have to answer the hard questions.
Chances are, she won't ask that question anyway until she's a lot older and understands timing a little better.
Great responses.
I have an additional question along those lines... as I'm in the same situation, as my son's bmom just had another child -with another bfather- and has decided to keep this one.
While it is an open adoption, I doubt we'll have much contact with her through the years, but what should I refer the birth-sister as? Do I tell my 2-year old that he's got a "Half-sister"? "birth-sister"?
We pray for his bmom every night, and plan to keep in touch via letters and annual or bi-annual meetings, so we'll need a good "term" for him to be comfortable with.
Thanks for suggestions.
Why should your answer change? They did want what was best for you child. Kids often understand money and love pretty early on in simple ways. You could always be honest that being a parent is really hard and the choices are confusing when you don't have enough money because you love your child so much that you want what is best. Sometimes the answers aren't easy to find... thankfully, (yourchild) is in a loving happy home without those financial worries and hopefully they will be able to find a way to financially support this new baby. Maybe you can express that his concerns should be for them and their family because of the hard time they will have financially... kids do very well with empathy and feel better about themselves when they learn how hard things are for others.
BIRTH-HALF-SISTER: little kids don't really need to worry about the term "half"... could be as simple as a '"birthsister" but she has a different dad.' Hopefully your child won't call her that b/c the "half" bit is often found hurtful to one of the children as if they aren't as loved because they're not from the same dad.
God bless your wonderful families :)