Needing Help

Hi Rozenwine, One question I have for you is are you strictly going to be adoption parents or foster parents to adopt? We are foster parents in MO and adopted a sibling group of 3 in June 2002. More recently we adopted 2 brothers in Jan 2003. We are still waiting to adopt the little sister of the two boys, but she is still not legally free for adoption. So this goes back to my question if you foster then you have preference over the children that have been placed with you in fostercare. But if you are stictly adoption only parents, then you have to wait until the children are available for adoption. Both have downsides (and up sides). The downside of fostering first is that the initial goal for all fosterchildren is reunification, and it is often heart breaking when DFS returns the children (esp when we know the home is still not good). Although it can be rewarding when you know you have helped a family get back on their feet esp if the bio-parents allow you (as the former foster parent) to keep contact with the children. The up side of fostering first, is you have preference over any one else except the bio family for adoption. Also you have had the child with you in you home and you know all of the "little" details that the caseworker may or may not have told you. This gives you and your family a better evaluation of if the "chemistry" is right and if there are any issues that may be a bigger problem than you previously expected. Also when the child is legally free for adoption you won't have to wait another 6 months if the child has already been with you. The delay for the adoption is only 45 days after termination of parental rights if the child has already been in your home in fostercare for 6 months. If you are strictly an adoption home, the wait for a child may be longer, as you have to wait until the child is legally free for adoption (or nearly so). Then several families who are interested in adopting a child all submit their homestudies. Their is a panel of people who meet and look over the homestudies and choose which family they think is the best fit for the child. This family is then choosen and "staffed" for adoption. Once this is complete they usually try to transition the child by having visits with the adoptive family and the child with the foster family. They work towards over-night visits, before they move the child to the aoptive placement. After that you have to have the child in your home for 6 months before you can adopt. The big plus here is you have less risk that the child will be returned to the biological family, although in a few cases it can still happen. If you want to totally a vaoid this you can talk with the caseworker and verify that parental rights have been terminated (TPR) and that 30 days have passed for the TPR. (30 days is the std maximum in MO for the parents to appeal the courts desion). As for you questions about the homestudy and who to go through, I would say stay with DFS or a DFS affiliate like Catholic Charities. If you go through somewhere else and they miss anything you have to start over. As for the classes, for both STARS and Spaulding (to adopt), they offer them in the evening (one night a week for a series of weeks), but do still have some "marathon" classes on Saturdays that last roughly 8 hours for the day. If they are not available in the county you are in, sometimes DFS will allow you to take the classes in a neighboring county, so check on that as well. Good luck, Kathy (yes I am a Kathy too...)

Thanks Kathy, you gave me some new information to think about. We are not sure in we want to foster or just adopt. we are sure how well we would deal with the heartbreak and we are not sure how our children would deal with it. We finally managed to get a hold of the social worker in charge of foster and adoptions ( she takes care of 10 counties!). She only offers night classes.:( So i guess we are going to have to go to my husband's employer and see if my husband can get the time off. I am not feeling too lucky about this. questions: Has any one ever went through Cathlic Charities in Springfield? Are they a contrsctor with dfs? I know they are supposed to be in St. Louis. When you are a foster parent how does dfs feel about you not having a full time stay at home parent? I am a part-time nursing student. Thanks everyone SO very much for all the information. Keeep it coming. Kathy

We are in the Kansas City area and went through DFS, but I know Catholic charities does do some of the home studies here as well. As for not having a full time stay at home parent, DFS is usually okay with that as well. Both my husband and I work outside the home. (Lord knows we both work over-time in the home!!!) DFS did ask if one of us could stay at home full time "since we were taking on so many children". We have 7, one biological, 5 adopted and one in foster care that we are trying to adopt as soon as we get through the legal garbage, we are still praying intently for this one!!!. We laughed, since adoption subsidy doesn't really cover the expenses and we still need health insurance, food, and a roof over our heads. FYI adoption subsidy in MO is $225 / month or roughly $7.50 a day per child, and school lunches eat up $1.50 a day of that. So this leaves us with $6.00 a day for food, clothing, toys, laundery, additional utilities, diapers, sports, activities, gifts, tooth fairy etc... and all of those other little extras that kids really need to have a "normal" life. I would love for someone within DFS or the State government to show me how I could budget this and be a stay at home parent. Our grocery bill is roughly $1400/ month, and I am a thifty shopper. We go through approx 40 gallons of milk a month, and do over 120 loads of laundery. Although since the state is several million over budget, I don't really I want them managing my finances!!! (We have enough issues on our own) As for to foster or just strictly adopt, that is one of the questions I routinely asked the caseworker when we took a child. Specifically, "What is the likelyhood this child will go to permanancy (aka adoption)?" At least when we knew the answer up front we could talk about it and better prepare ourselves. This includes telling the other children in our home. When you have a child for just a few months and you know they are going back home from the beginning it is a little easier. We tell the kids that this is just a temporary stay for the new child until the mom can fix whatever it is. Then it is more like having a friend come for a long visit. Hope this helps... again good luck Kathy

WOW, sounds like there is a lot of love to go around at your home Kathy. Seven children sounds like a lot of work but, also A LOT of FUN! Dumb question time. How many bedrooms do you have to have for all those children? How many are you allowed to put in the same room ? and What was the age range of the children you have adopted? Here's the reason why I am asking these questions. We are wanting to adopt a sibling group of 3. We already have 2 biological children. We only have a 3 bedroom home. Each of these rooms are pretty big though. We are going to build a 5 bedroom home in 2 years when I finish nursing school, but we don't want to wait until then to adopt. Has anyone or know of anyone who has adopted foster children out of other states? We have browsed other photolistings and they seem to have more children available than Missouri does. Is this becaus most children in Missouri fostercare are adopted by their foster parents?

have you check the Jackson County list??? Also, another poster said your state is very good at keeping up the state photo book that isn't on the web site, but at your local libraries. Rooms, most states have specific guidlines about the amount of room for each child, but 3 or 4 can be in a big room in most states. Some also have age requirements as they don't want kids of a certain age span sharing a room a 2 year old with a 16 year old, etc... Since you have bio children I think you should really keep in mind these kids come with baggage and it is usually best that they do not share rooms with bio children or any other children for that matter (even a 5 year old can con a 9-11 in to sexual acts, etc...) you would be surprised. Read up on attachment disorders as just about all foster kids will have issues around this. Good Luck!!

Kathy I am actually from IL and we are adopting from Kansas City. We wanted to strictly adopt and searched all the states. Trust me in comparison to most Missouri is actually a great place to adopt from. I will tell you that no matter where you adopt from you will need the classes and actually they are all that much more important should you chose another state. They want to make sure you are prepared. The training was very helpful and made us aware of the different issues the children could be dealing with and helped us figure out what we can and can't handle. Even if you were doing private adoption through an agency many will make you take some type of training. In IL you have to have your foster license to adopt no matter what type of adoption you are doing. The training is just a bit different The training will also teach you what to ask when you are matched, what help is available etc.... Your caseworker won't always explain all of these issues to you so it is good to find all that stuff out. I wish you the very best.

Dear ROZENWINE . I wish you the best of luck in your adoption. I pray God leads your way. To find out some info on adoption that may help you, try [url]www.adoption.org[/url] or [url]www.adoption.com[/url] I know a few others but cant currently think of them so if you want more feel free to let me know and I'll try and get the together for you. Take care and may God bless.

I highly recommend getting a private home study and also taking the STARS and SPAULDING classes. We wasted our time with Missouri. The problem with the DFS homestudies is that if you want a copy of it, you still have to pay for it and it is $1500. If you want to have your home study to go out of state, then you are paying for it anyway. We wasted three years dealing with Missouri - we would get told about children and then were told we would be staffed and we would wait months and then never hear anything or hear the kids were placed with other people. THERE ARE STILL CHILDREN AVAILABLE TO BE ADOPTED IN MISSOURI WHO WE WOULD HAVE ADOPTED IN 1998 WHEN WE STARTED THIS. Get a private agency and have them do your home study. Ours cost $1100. We also got listed on the adoption exchange. As soon as New Jersey heard about us, they snapped us up. The adoption exchange sent our home study around to different states. The difference in NEw Jersey and Missouri is very big. For one thing, they do not do a staffing - they accept you for a child before they even tell you about the child. The rights are always terminated before the children are placed for adoption. There is no risk at all. They send a complete file about an inch thick of all records on the child before they even know if you are going to accept the child.Then they send two social workers to your state (ours is MIssouri) by plane to meet you and see your house and THEN they fly you back to New Jersey and put you up for a week in a hotel and pay all your expenses so you can spend time with the child. You get full disclosure about the child/children. Then after that, they fly back out to your state with two social workers and the child/children. Your private agency does all the follow up visits and makes reports and then six months later you go to court and you are adopted. The kids come in on the interstate compact and because of that (it isn't required), you have to take the STARS and SPAULDING classes The reason you want to have them come in on the interstate compact is because then they are elgible for federal funds if they develop severe special needs in the future. DON'T BELIEVE ALL THE NEGATIVE MEDIA HYPE ABOUT NEW JERSEY THAT YOU ARE HEARING ABOUT BECAUSE OF THOSE FOUR LITTLE BOYS. NEW JERSEY DOES A GREAT JOB. Oh, also your stipend comes from NEw JErsey and it is about 3 times as large as the Missouri one and if your kids go to college, they can get their stipend until they are 21.

I know what you are going through. My DH and I are having the hardest time deciding what to do. Who to choose and where to go. We live in Springfield too. Did you go to the adoption fair at Cox Hospital last Satureday? There was alot of great information and DFS was there too. My husband spoke to a Christine who works in the adoptive department for DFS. I have her number if you would like and can also give you as much paper work or info that we have. Maybe we can share back and forth and others too. I understand that you get confused and flustered because we to are going threw the same thing. Just message me anytime. Have a great day! Jenn

May I ask how you went about doing that? Am I reading that right? That you was adopting kids from Foster Care threw another state? How much did all of this run you if you dont mind me asking and what was the time it took to go from first to last?

Well if you want to adopt in another state thatis not your home state,you do need to havea private home study done as the one your statedoes for you,they will not send to other states. However,the cost ofthehome study is reimbursed to you by the other state. Itdidn't cost us anytthing at all. New Jersey paid for everything even flew two social workers to us tomeet us and then flew us back to New Jersey for a week to meet the kids and paid all the expenses. Then they flew both the kidsto us here In St Louis accompanied by two social workers. They werejust wonderful people and there are

Hi... I'm new to this forum. I am a single woman who recently adopted a 12 yr old girl from the foster care system. I live in NY and she was in CT. I went thru an agency that specializes in older adoptions... see [url]www.downeyside.org.[/url] I went thru their classes, was home-studied by them, they helped match a child for me, and they are an ongoing support system for me and my daughter. Other than the cost of the homestudy (which was a donation) I haven't spent a dime of my own money throughout this process. Most importantly, I now have my daughter sleeping in the next room, and she no longer has to worry about whether or not she will ever have a mom.

Hi... I'm new to this forum. I am a single woman who recently adopted a 12 yr old girl from the foster care system. I live in NY and she was in CT. I went thru an agency that specializes in older adoptions... see [url]www.downeyside.org.[/url] I went thru their classes, was home-studied by them, they helped match a child for me, and they are an ongoing support system for me and my daughter. Other than the cost of the homestudy (which was a donation) I haven't spent a dime of my own money throughout this process. Most importantly, I now have my daughter sleeping in the next room, and she no longer has to worry about whether or not she will ever have a mom.

But like one of the above posters said, your homestudy will get out there more if you pay to have a private one done (one by an agency willing to work with you with foster care adoption, most around here will not) Also, many states are contracting this out. Missouri (at least Jackson County) did also pay for my homestudy (reimbursed after adoption was final) pay for us to visit for a week and for the child to visit us 3 weeks and for the return trip to court, etc.... All I ended up paying is the physical co-pay and criminal checks. This was in 2001. I have heard other parts of Missouri are not so great. Also, Missouri isn't as bad as some state as basic rate is low, but you can always get day care. There for awhile few kids were on basic rate.

Well I just learned something I never thought would work - my little girl who is 9 1/2 and is adopted (I've talked about them a lot) has been having a rough time for about a year and a half in a local private charter school - beautiful place, lots of nice equipment, etc. But she was still behaving badly. We just placed her in a much strickter school without all the frills but lots of professional personnel and even after only a week, it is like NIGHT AND DAY. We have our happy child back, but she even says she doesn't like the new school at all! But what a change - from hours of tantrums every night to hard time getting up in the AM, suddenly she is FINE! Just after more discipline and more confident older teachers! And she is READING better. And she isn't upset anymore.