Confused.

Hi, I am not a Birthmom, On December 27, 2002 I became the adoptive mom to a beautiful baby girl. I have entered into a very open adoption. I like you was not sure how open was defined,but through my experience I must suggest that you truly consider open adoption for your child. I chose open because, I do not want my daughter to go through the heartache of searching for her Birthmom. It breaks my heart to read all of the post from adoptive children searching for their birthparents. My adoption was a private adoption. I met my Birthmother in a home for unwed teens. I can give you advice based on what her and I have experienced. First: Do alot of soul searching about what you want for the child you are carrying. My Birthmother knew she could not give her baby up if it was a closed adoption, She had made a list of all qualities that she wanted in adoptive parents, and refused to accept anything less. I met all of her qualities, and we began a relationship 3 months prior to her giving birth. She came to live in my home to ensure that this was were she wanted to place her child. I stood by her side in the delivery room and watched my beautiful child come into the world, that was a gift she gave to me because I am unable to have children of my own and she wanted to share the experience of child birth with me. In one of the post they stated that open is not suported in a contract, I have done alot research and I remember reading that the one mistake Birthparents make in open adoption is not getting it in writting. If you choose open, I would definetly define what you expect from the adoptive parents. Our openess is not in writting, but our relationship is highly unique. I treasure my birthmother and would never deny her the chance to love her child. She carried her for 9 months, I will carry her for the next 18 years, and then we plan to carry her throughout the rest of her life, togheter. We walked out of the hospital hand in hand carrying "OUR" baby girl, smiling because we knew that this was not the end of the road but the beginning. It has been 5 months now and we see each other about once a month. My child will know her Birthmom as Nannie until the day she ask to meet her, Then I will gladly introduce her to her other mom! This is of course how her Birthmom wants it to be. I don't know much about the agency side of adoption, but I do know when I was considering going through an agency, I called to find out what I needed to begin the process. I was told not to even fill out the paper work until I had 25,000 dollars. I was also told that if I wanted a White baby it may take a few years, but if I would accept a bi-racial or special needs it would be cheaper and I could have a baby in about 6 months-1 year. I could not believe what I was hearing, are we selling babies, based off of their race and health or , are we as adoptive parents looking for a child to love. My baby girl is bi-racial, she is healthy, but I would of took her no matter what. I have heard of adoptive parents backing out at the last minute because something was wrong with the baby. You know from being a mother already that you are not gauranted a healthy baby. please think long and hard about the route that you will take with this child you love. I am sure you will make the right choice. I will be praying for you. You are going to make some couple very happy. Keep me updated on your status, There are plenty of people like me who have waited a long time for the chance to become parents. (Sarah, sounds like a great prospect, if you choose open, she defines open adoption beautifully, and if handled properely it can be beautiful).

Thank you kind for your reply. :) Its so good to hear success storys. I have been reading alot of info on the different kind of adoptions and we would definently like to go for an open adoption. I just don't know where to start. Do you know of any sites I should start with? I'm not sure that I want to go the Agency route simply because of the treatment I've recieved from the 3 I called. I want to know that my child is going to be treated like the gift it is and not be treated like its just another paycheck. Congrats on your daughter. :)

Sarah, thank you for adding that note of caution (about contact agreements not being legally enforcable in 45 states.) This is not the first thing agencies tell prospective birthmothers, but it's something they need to be aware of before they consider continuing with the process at all. JRJNJTR, let me give you a brief summary of my adoption experience. I placed my son in a semi-open adoption 13 years ago. I was to receive an annual photo of him (at minimum) and the a-parents and I could exchange photos and letters as often as we liked. All correspondence was through the agency... we never met or spoke in person and did not know each other's last names or identifying info. I WAS NOT INFORMED at the time that I placed that open adoption agreements are actually only "good faith" agreements not enforcable by law. The first year (until the adoption was finalized) I received 2 long letters and 2 sets of photos from the a-parents. Then I never received anything again. After a few years I contacted the agency and asked them what was going on, and they informed me that the adoptive parents had moved away, leaving no forwarding address. It was then I realized I'd been duped, and I had no legal recourse. My story does have a (semi) happy ending, however. Since I discovered this forum a few months ago, I learned of many resources for people in my situation. I was able to find my son's adoptive last name on the Texas Vital Statistic website. I tracked down his family (they now live in another state) and contacted them by letter. In the letter, I gave them my contact info, updated them on my son's medical history (birthfather is now suffering from a genetic illness) and informed them that I would like to resume our original contact agreement. I received 3 e-mails from them over the course of the past few weeks, and last Wednesday, the photos arrived in the mail! Two photos of my son, now 13. The first photos I've seen of him since he was a year old. The adoptive parents were unwilling or unable to agree to more than this one-time contact (two photos and a long letter). They state that my son is doing fine but has no interest in knowing about his bio-family or receiving any photos at this time. I can't help but wonder if his feelings might have been different if I'd taken action sooner, or if we'd just remained in contact all along. Anyway, that's my story so far (sorry it's so long-winded). Sarah is right, there are MANY wonderful adoptive parents out there who enjoy fully open adoption arrangements with the birthmothers of their children. I've met and become close friends with several since I joined this forum. But be aware that there are also some unscrupulous adoptive parents out there who enter open-adoption agreements they have no intention of honoring. I agree with Trunks also, it's best to educate yourself as much as possible before committing to anything, and these forums are a good place to start. Best of luck to you! Sincerely, ~Sharon

Thank you for your reply. That is one of my main concerns is the fact that I have children already. I don't want this baby to feel like he/she wasn't "good" enough for me to keep or something. As much as I would love to raise this baby, I know financially and emotionally we cannot raise anohter child. I just hope this child sees that I loved them enough to try and give them what I couldn't provide. And I hope my other children understand my decision when they are older.

Sharon I'm so sorry about your situation. After reading these replys I will surely make sure to get EVERYTHING in writing. I had no idea that things like this could happen. Thanks again.

I'm sure one day this baby will understand and Thank you for giving him or her such a good life. And I personal think it's very awsome that you care enough about this child to want to give it more than you can give . I do know it will be hard for you so you can be sure you will be in my prayers and I am here if you need to talk with some one. Also as stated before If you need website addys to find out more about adoption feel free to contact me. I will help you in anyway I possible can to make this hard time alittle easyer on you and your family. Take care Sarah and may God truly bless you

I can not say i have ever been in your position.....what you are deciding is something big. I want to say that the best thing i think anyone can do for their child is an open adoption. What is wrong with more than two parents loving a child. I see absolutely nothing wrong with it. Follow your heart. Check out sites like adoption.com and i have found that the people on this site are wonderful for information both the good and the bad. Best of luck to you and yours. I know it wasn't a lot of help but just wanted to tell you to Follow your heart where ever it shall lead you . Jody

I think you are an amazing young women with alot of love and strenghth for your children. My husband was adopted and 36 years later he is still profoundly greatful to his birth mother for making such a selfless decision for his welfare. There is hope and no matter what decision you choose for yourself and your child he will one day know what an amazingly strong and loving person you are. Especially because you chose to give him life. My husband and I believe very strongly in adoption for obvious reasons and although we have 3 beautiful children of our own we have still considered adopting a child. In talking about this we have discussed what would be in the best interest of the child and we both feel strongly that open adoptions can be an amazingly wonderful and lovinging thing for all involved, especially the child. How lucky a child to be to have two mommies and daddies that stuck by them in life and loved them, whether they new at birth or ten or sixteen. Believe me these things have a way of working themselves out. I will keep you in my thoughts that you find strenghth and courage in you decisions. For I truly admire and respect you for them....Sincerely Jessica:)

jrgnjtr, I'm glad you plan to get everything in writing. But keep in mind that only 5 (I think) states recognize open adoption contracts as legally enforcable. If you are not located in one of these 5 states, the contract is only a suggestion. Does anyone know the 5 states? I know Texas recently passed a law that will start September 1. What are the others? Take your time thinking over adoption and be sure it is not a permanent solution to a temporary problem. Peggy

It sounds to me like an open adoption possibly with relatives is the best way for you to go if you really indeed cannot keep your baby. I also think that a private adoption allows you to set the rules, rather than an agency. I am going through an agency. I believe in your situation a close personal relationship with aparents would be better. Semi-open is still, legally, a CLOSED adoption, be aware of that. Above all RESEARCH EVERYTHING, because your future certainly depends on it. You will know in your heart if someone is meant to adopt your baby. Don't let anything distract you from what your heart tells you to do. Pray often and listen and meditate afterwards. God has promised to never give us more than we can handle. Don't ever take anyone's word for anything, get it in writing, and get 2nd, 3rd and 4th opinions. Good luck, and keep us posted!

Make sure you are completly clear of entanglements when the baby is born.. Make your true decision then.. Jackie.. a birth mom since 1965

You have received lots of good advice and definitely pursue your plans. I just wanted to add that I have adopted a son who is now three years old and his birthfamily was much like your situation. He has several full siblings and half sibllings. Placing him for adoption was a very difficult thing for his birthparents. We had lots of telephone and picture contact during the first year. Then I didn't hear from his birth family for awhile. I have again heard from them and that has helped with some health issues that came up. I would like for my son to know his birth family and I hope that we can visit them in the future. I would really like for him to know his birth family. He is named after his birthfather. I went through an agency. We talked lots before he was born and I do truly miss the contact. However, I felt that it was best for his family to contact us at a level that was comfortable for them I think of his family often and hope to meet sometime again. Best of luck and know in your heart that you will make the right decision. Virginia

Skye, I don't know. I cut and pasted that paragraph directly from the website. Not all of those 17 states actually have "legally binding" open-adoption contracts in the sense that we're thinking of. Some only apply to older child adoptions, California only applies to "kinship adoptions" (if the adoptive parent was the child's biological Grandma, Aunt, etc...). I STILL haven't found out which 5 states have legally enforcable open-adoption agreements for infant/ stranger adoptions. I'm pretty sure that Oregon and Washington are 2 of them; I don't know the other 3. ~Sharon :confused:

Hi there.... Just wanted to share with you my situation. I am an adoptive mother of one little girl. My daughter's birthmother has two other children. We have an open adoption and all parties are very comfortable with it. My daughters birthmom told us that she knew she couldn't afford this child but there is such peace in seeing her and holding her and watching her grow up. She said she could never do a closed adoption. We have had my daughter's birthmom and brother to our home. This is a relationship that is still developing. We feel committed to maintaining a relationship between the siblings and the birthparents. The little boy did take the news well at first. His mom did not tell him until our daughter was 2, that he had a sister. He was quite angry with his mother for this. Since the visit to our home, he has done a 360. He even told his mother that he thinks we love our daughter ALMOST AS MUCH as she loves him. I thought that was sweet. He's a nice little boy and both my husband and I are happy that we can give them each other. We have a trip planned to the zoo next. The other little boy is living with his father. While the children are not growing up in the same homes, they all know of one another, will grow up knowing each other, talking to each other and being friends. Good luck to you. Follow your heart. Bye.;)

You are going to make some couple very happy. Keep me updated on your status, There are plenty of people like me who have waited a long time for the chance to become parents. I have no idea who posted this, but please THINK LONG AND HARD ABOUT GIVING UP A CHILD and the ramifications regarding how your children are going to feel. Prepare yourself for the anger, RESENTMENT AND BITTER FEELINGS YOUR children may have being severed from their sister/brother. Temporary money issues causing a lifelong decision should be taken as a high risk choice that most likely will lead to oceans of regret. My friend is having her third child and she is single. She contemplated adoption for a few months and realized the devastation to her children would be crippling. She is an adult like you, has two kids and knew that the hard work and sleeplessness that was going to happen was overwhemling but she pushed through it because in the long run, that commitment to her children is what matters the most. A word of advice: Just as some bmoms mean no harm and want to give you advice, be careful. My friend was talking to a article-writing, webpage weilding bmom who was "100% behind her with whatever decision she made" until my friend decided NOT to place, and the bmom never spoke to her again. Turns out the bmom wanted to be a "facilitator" and make some $$$ hoping my friend would go with "this perfect couple she knows". Go figure. So, just be careful and good luck.