Heart Broken - How do we start again?

sara, I don't believe any one is accusing the mother of deal breaking. The poster is saying "this hurts" and people who have been through, or have any form of empathy, are saying "we understand, it does hurt". If you have an agenda to push it would be really wonderful of you to do it on threads were it's more appropriate, or start your own thread if you want. You come in here and start blasting away at people who are in pain and looking for a little solice and I think it's pretty crude. As Missy M as already requested on another thread, please move your comments somewhere else. If you would like to start a thread about deal breaking and aparents nerve in feeling pain, please start one. Otherwise, it would be quite nice of you to leave these people and their pain alone.

As I just posted, I do not wish to contribute to anyone's pain. I have utmost respect for what every one of us endures on our human journey. I am new to adoption.com and perhaps am commenting in threads that are not appropriate for my introduction to adoption.com! Hey, I'm in a learning stage here ... still poking around to see what's available, and responding to what I see. And I do have very definite ideas and quite a lot of knowledge about adoption, so that just happens to pop up ... Do you have recommendations about where I should post in re: adoption.com? Thanks, Sara

As an adoptee I want to offer my sincere sympathy to those that feel the pain of the loss of a child. To me, padoptive parents have every right to grieve this loss. I am grateful that my bioparents did not put their own emotional needs before mine. In recent correspondence with my bioDad he stated that after seeing me in the hospital, "as much as it hurt I had to let you go". He put the needs of his child before his own. The reality of the situation that leads a bioParent to choose a plan of adoption in the first place still exists, even though the emotion of a new baby takes place. While one can take the view of "I'm pleased when a mother keeps her baby", if it is only based on the emotion of the moment and not realistically based on the reality of the situation of what is in the best interest of the needs of the child, this is not necessarily something to rejoice in. It takes much more that love to raise and fulfill the needs of a child, IMO.

As an adoptee I want to offer my sincere sympathy to those that feel the pain of the loss of a child. To me, padoptive parents have every right to grieve this loss. I am grateful that my bioparents did not put their own emotional needs before mine. In recent correspondence with my bioDad he stated that after seeing me in the hospital, "as much as it hurt I had to let you go". He put the needs of his child before his own. *** Lots of bdads were totally absent, thus creating an economic need for the mother to place her child for adoption. How nice that he was there in the hospital, though still not taking responsibility for you or your mother. *** The reality of the situation that leads a bioParent to choose a plan of adoption in the first place still exists, even though the emotion of a new baby takes place. While one can take the view of "I'm pleased when a mother keeps her baby", if it is only based on the emotion of the moment and not realistically based on the reality of the situation of what is in the best interest of the needs of the child, this is not necessarily something to rejoice in. It takes much more that love to raise and fulfill the needs of a child, IMO. *** It is hardly an "emotion of the moment". Women who lose their children to adoption never recover. They suffer PTSD, they have recurring nightmares, and many go on to never be able to have another child. If you think this is "of the moment" you are sadly simplistic. When a mother loses her child for temporary financial reasons, there is something very wrong in a society that allows that. Not every new family--a two-parent family, even-- brings a baby into a household with a chicken in the pot and two Cadillacs in the garage. Lots of young families struggle financially through some early, lean years. Should they have given up their child, do you think? Or is it just the unsupported young mother who is expected to give up her child? *** I'm so intrigued that for something so "good", adoption has more boards and forums online than any other subject I can think of. Adoptees are highly over-represented in therapy and clinical and institutional settings. If I may ask a personal question, if adoption is so wonderful in your life, why are you spending time on an adoption forum? Aren't there hills to climb and rivers to fish and oh-so-many-miles to go before you sleep? *** I'm not being facetious. What kinds of answers are adoptees looking for, that they spend countless hours online looking at adotion forums? What kind of justification is being sought, that adult adoptees have to "protect" their apars--kind of backwards, since the parental job is to protect the child. I can't help it--the more I look at adoption, the more I see that the emperor has no clothes.

Sara: I don't have time to respond to your entire post, but I did want to say that while I agree with some of the things you've posted, and while I'm happy to see you changing your terminology (e.g., not using adopters), I wanted to add a couple of quick comments. Blanket statements are problematic. In my experience, I can guarantee you that MY birthmother DID recover and did lead a happy and productive life. She didn't suffer PTSD, or any other psychiatric disorders, and she did go on to marry and have other children. Any person who loves another has the right to "protect" them. Yes, it's not appropriate or healthy for children to protect adults, but why is it inappropriate for adults to "protect" or defend their parents? Mine are now elderly and sometimes the tables turn in who is responsible for "protection." I'd also like to suggest that this debate would be better started as a new thread (other posters also suggested this). We're getting off the topic of the original poster's intent and hijacking a thread for a topic change isn't necessary. Thanks.

Sara, In your response to my message you had stated that I can go on to adopt another child and yet a birthmom cannot. I beg to differ with you. I can adopt another child if I have the finances to back it up, plus wait for a birthmom to pick our family out of a couple of dozen portfolios. A birthmom can obviously get pregnant and have many other children if she chooses. Each case is different and should be viewed as such. My suggestion to you would be to take a adoption class where they have the birthparents and adoptive parents in the class along with the children and see how families can form. Obviously, you have no concept of feelings of people and cannot see the other side of the coin. I do not have ONE bad word to say about my son's birthmom, she was sleeping on a mattress on the floor with her other kids and she knew that she could not care for my son. I'm am ever grateful to her for her decision and to allow me and my husband to become parents. We (us and his birthmom) discussed how we will handle this issue as he grows up and if she even wants to meet with him. So, issues were discussed at the time and as upset as she was, she knew that her decision was for the best. I do NOT taking anything away from her feelings of "loss" and I'm sure she greived, however, I do take the responsibilty of sending her letters and photos so she can see that he is being well taken care of. I would NEVER exclude her from his life as this woman is the lady that gave birth to him. You really come down hard on adoptive parents, but unless you are walking in their shoes, you should have absolutely NO comment.

My bioParents were married and my bioMother had affairs. She had placed another child previous to me that was the result of an affair. It was unknown whether I was her husband's child until after I was born. By that point they were separated. He did not want me brought up in a broken home and bioMother was "ambivalent" (noted in the file). Please don't make blanket assumptions and judgments. Not ALL bioMothers are young, helpless victims and not ALL bioFathers are jerks. If a woman makes a plan of adoption over many months, with much thought and consideration, based on the reality of the situation that she is in and what she feels is best for the child, and changes her mind during the emotion of giving birth and seeing the child, it is a decision based on "emotion of the moment". It is certainly her right and it may be the best decision for the child, but it is an emotional based decision. There are many tragic events that occur in life. I will always grieve my husband's early death but the open wound has healed and I live in the present. Recovery has a different definition to many. I read a quote by a woman whose child died and she said "I can choose to be bitter or I can choose to be better" We all have that same choice, IMO. Yes, there are many that struggle financially yet are excellent parents. In the state where I live society does support mothers in need with welfare. There are however, mothers that do not want a welfare dependent life for their child ~ or for themselves. There are also many bioMothers that choose adoption for reasons other than not receiving enough money from others to parent their child. This is a support forum and many aparents have found it supportive to hear that it is not inevitable that their child will be wounded, disordered and traumatized. Many bioParents have found it reassuring as well to learn that by wanting their child to have what they were unable to provide at the time did not necessarily bring harm to their child. There are many that participate on this forum out of a desire to help and support others vs. complaining and being negative. Cynick: Again my sympathy for the pain you are feeling. Sorry to contribute to taking your thread off topic, but felt it was necessary to respond to the post made to me.

Sara, Several people have pointed out that this is a support thread and not the place to be expressing these views, yet each subsequent post from you is more offensive than the last. There are lots of threads on adoption.com where you can share your views and discuss your emotions. Please show some respect to the people who have been through a very painful experience and wish to find support during their grief and sadness. Please stop painting everything in extremes of black and white. There are no abolutes. Sometimes the baby is better off to stay with the birthmom. But in most cases there are good reasons why the birthmother initially chose adoption and these reasons do not change when the baby is born. Only the emotion changes. I have read several stories written by people who were almost placed for adoption, only to be raised in abusive and/or negletful homes. These people wish that the adoption had gone through. There are no absolutes. No two situations are the same. I know several women who have placed babies for adoptions for good reason (usually young and unmarried). They have gone on to have happy marriages and happy families. They are not sorry that they placed their babies for adoption. They love and care about these babies, but are happy about the circumstances and outcome. There are also certainly women who placed children for adoption and went on to have a lifetime of remorse - often these are a result of a coercive adoption agency. That is truly a sad thing. Every story is different, every person is different. Not all women regret the decsion. I know a lot of adult adoptees who love their adoptive parents, respect their birthparents' decision and lead happy, emotionally stable lives. Statistics show that this is true for the majority of adoptess. There will always be sad stories. There will always be people with feelings of loss. But it's not all black and ugly as you would like to paint it. More adoption forums than any other topic? Please! Do your homework. Adoption is not the great evil that you paint it to be. I'm sorry for whatever has caused you to become so angry and insensitive. I sincerely hope you can get positive help and stop blaming adoption for whatever is broken in your life.

Ok, How can you say its good when the birth mom keeps the child instead of adoption? The world is a evil playground. At least I know the baby I choose to give life to is happy and healthy. I am also very happy with my life. There is grief everwhere that you go. What is so sad is 50% of the birth moms are to younge to take care of their baby and instead grandma or grandpa is raising them. Or they end up in a trash can or abortion. Adoption is a beautifull gift anyone could ever recieve. Do you have kids? What if you couldnt and your other wanted a baby would you adopt? Well would you? Stop and rethink about what you put down because one day the word adoption may hit home.

Well said, Karen. I have so much respect and admiriation for people like you who have chosen to give such a beautiful and selfless gift. Thank you!

You don't say how you found the birth mother in the first place, but as the mother of one son adopted through a reputable agency who is in the process of adopting another son through the same agency, I will say that this has been the best route for me. I know that other people have had good outcomes by dealing directly with the birthmother, but as for me, I couldn't stand the drama and suspense. My sons happen to be from Guatemala (they are smart, gorgeous and adorable), but that really isn't the point. The point is that an experienced, reputable agency can shield you from most of the risk of a failed adoption. In the case of my sons, they weren't even presented to me as being available until they had been irrevocably relinquished legally by their parents. So my advice is, don't waste any more time; find a good agency and get going! Godspeed to you.

Oh I'm so sorry--we've been there. Two years ago we traveled to Florida to be at the hospital when the baby was born. (a connection that we made on parentprofiles.com) The expectant mother was 15 at the time. We were in the room, she handed the baby to us, we fed the baby girl, named her, held her and started to bond. We returned the next day to take the baby home and the birthfamily met us at the entrance of the hospital saying she had changed her mind. I remember my husband and I clinging to each other and sobbing. We returned home empty handed and heavy hearted. After 6 years of infertility treatments and a miscarriage, how would we handle this? How would our friends and family handle this? I returned to work (middle school teacher), and the kids were so sad for me. But we moved on and in the back of my mind I KNEW God had something better for us. THat for some reason that adoption was NOT supposed to work out. Three weeks later we got a call from our agency (where we had been waiting for 1 1/2 years). We brought home our precious son two days later at 3 months of age. His birthmom had tried to parent and just couldn't do it so wanted to place him with us. The rest is history--he couldn't fit more perfectly into our family. Hang in there. Trust that there is a better situation out there for you and it's right around the corner :) Kirsten

My experience with agencies has not been good. Me and my husband had bad experiences with 3 different agencies, all of which wanted to take our money and push us to international adoption when we really wanted to adopt inside the U.S. After being scammed by this one agency and threatening to report them to the Better Business Bureau, we got our money back. After deciding not to use an agency and use a private attorney, we found it to be cheaper and less stressful on us. Also, we were able to adopt a child right in our hometown. We had the priviliage of meeting out son's birthmom and spoke with her. We got to decide the comfort levels of all involved and it made it a lot easier. You go with you gut and how you feel, but if you do choose an agency, please be careful and do your research before selecting one and do NOT let an agency force you into international adoption if that is not what you really want. Lesson one learned, agencies will try to push the international adoption because it is more money in their pockets, just please be careful on your selections. Nancy

To everyone......... It seems as if everyone in the world wants something that they cannot have mine was a little girl whiuch I had. I gave life to 7 children and not one have i ever regreted.. I chose life insted of abortion and chiose a life for someone who could not make that choice.. I recieve pictures and keep in contact with the adoptive parents if I had to choise it all over again I would do the same thing.. Its not the birth parents who raise the child its the love that is provided from someone inside.. Granted even though I dont have little Emily or Justin to raise I still have them in my heart and know that they are being love by the parents that God has lead me to have the pleasure of meeting.. If it is meant to be in time it will happen........ Good Luck and have not only fait on your side but also the poer and love of God Karen

Cynthia, you are telling my tale and speaking to my heart. Our bmom changed her mind after we had our Emma at home for two weeks. We too, have been through unsuccessful infertility tx. My husband and I also ask ourselves what's wrong with us that we can't be that family we want so badly. We too loved our bmom. For the 2 months we knew her, we felt like we'd adopted her/her family too. She told us repeatedly that she knew she was meant to carry this baby for a reason other than herself and repeatedly that she was sooo happy for us, to be able to do this for us... If we heard it once, we heard it at least a dozen times. I met her mother, she met mine....destimy. My parents came when she was born and stayed up until the day before we had to give her back, so we all bonded with her. I was just learning her patterns and her cues on what she needed. It is now 2 weeks since our girl has gone and the pain has been like nothing I have ever known. The one constant I've heard is to allow yourself to mourn. When I've felt my worst, I've simply asked God to take away what I cannot handle. I have strong moments and weepy ones. Today I'm thinking of going back to work. You are lucky to have had the bmom be able to call you and verbalize. Our bmom said nothing when she picked her up and I've heard nothing since. Sorry for the babble.. The time we had with her was the best time of our lives. I know that I was meant to be a mom in this lifetime. I feel your pain when I read your story. I'm finding alot of parallels the more stories I read here and that helps us feel less alone in this. Don't let this disappointment hinder your dreams. You and I both will get there! Keep the faith!