How is my adopted son going to take it?

I hate to tell you but he'll face racism long before you should feel the need to mention about his mother's reason's for giving him up. I have six adopted bi-racial siblings and they have all faced it at one time or another. Your son is lucky he has one parent who is black and one who is white, because that is what he is. In fact you as his parents must have faced some instances of racism, so you'll be very understanding with your son when it happens to him. Just as you are understanding of his biological mother's spot. Just raise him the way I know you will, your love and support will help him face discrimination as he grows up. When he is young you can tell him that his biological mother loved him, but was unable to keep him. When he gets older, and if he wants to know more, you can mention she couldn't support him financially. Then when he's 18 and if he says he wants to meet his biological mother, then I think you can tell him the whole story, and he'll have his own experiences to understand more how she could have done this. I have a feeling your son will surprise you with just how well he will take it, when he's older. I don't think it's something you need to drop in his lap when he's 3 or even 10. He won't have experienced enough in life yet. One of my brothers biological mother's said she was raped, and my mom had to tell this to my brother when he started his search. So there are lots of hard stories out there. But my brother is fine, and so will your son. Have fun and enjoy your baby!

Thank you both for your wonderful support and encouragement. I think providing him with information in stages will help him a lot, and the basic, easy to understand information should suffice until he's older. I'm a real worrier. I love this boy so much, he's such a happy little guy, so handsome and lovable. I just want him to grow up happy, knowing that we all love him. It does help to have an AA husband, and my husband is an awesome guy. He's an engineer, musician, basketball and softball player, and funny!!!! His birthmom is a wonderful, spiritual, gregarious, compassionate woman and has a lot of love for him, and I know if she never is able to talk to him, I have letters that will mean so much to him. It clearly states how much she loves him and how glad she was that she selected us. That will mean a lot to him. Thanks again for your input, I feel so much better!!! You are wonderful ladies!

I agree with the previous posters who suggested age-appropriate revelations. The bottom line is that his biological mother is unable to provide a safe home for him. In this case, it is safety from emotional abuse from her relatives. I am so sorry that this is the case. Your son is very lucky to a parent that has the foresight to prepare to address his future questions.

CortonaGirl, you didn't mention b-father being in the picture, so I assume he isn't. I think you should be open with your son when he's older... I don't know what age would be appropriate for such a revelation. You know your son best and you will have to decide when he is mature enough to understand. I would tell him that his birthmother was alone with no family support, because her family was unwilling to accept a bi-racial child. Nevertheless, she wanted what was best for him (as another poster mentioned, if she just didn't care one way or the other she could've had an abortion) and so she chose to give him to a family that could love him unconditionally for who he was. To me, the fact that she had some sort of relationship with a black man indicates that she herself is not racist... but perhaps her circumstances were such that without family support she could not offer your child the life he deserved. I hope the family's racism was not the ONLY reason she chose adoption... maybe she had a number of reasons for feeling that you could provide a better life for her child than she could. But like you said, your son may reunite with her at some point in the future, and if racism played any part in her decision it's better he find out beforehand so that it will not be such a terrible shock. To me, it's heart-breaking that people still hold onto such attitudes in this day and age. I wish you and your son the best of luck. Sincerely, ~Sharon

Sharon, Unfortunately, the main reason was racisim. And I agree, it's sad this day and age that it's so strong that a woman would go to great lengths to "save face" in the family by relinquishing her rights. The bfather is "unknown" and I have to respect her for that. That's all I feel free to discuss right now about that. It's a complicated situation, and we'll do the best we can to explain it to our son over the years. Thanks for the additional suggestions - I really appreciate it! :)

I would not approach the subject of your child being adopted because of his skin until he/she was old enough to understand (maybe grown). For now he/she should know his/her mother loved her enough to want her/him to have a special loving home to grow up in, and that she wasn't ready to be his/her mommy. I would almost suggest that your child hear it from his birth parent since it wasn't a choice that you made. It seems to me that it is not a racial issue, it is a fear of what other's will think issue. Fear is the greatest block in defeating racism.

Rainbow mom, Unfortunately, I don't know if the birthmother will want to talk to him about it. I've already asked that, and she doesn't want to be a part of it. I think she's really focused on her life with her other son who is CC, and moving on. She believes we will handle telling him things at the appropriate time. I think she does have a problem with AA, she was "testing" herself apparently to see if she really was. Anyway, whatever! I will ask her again down the road, but for now she doesn't want to.

Then I would just tell my child that his or her mommy just wasn't ready to be their mom. That is the truth! Until she becomes color blind then it is as truthful as you need to be.

Rainbow mom, I agree with you 100%, she wasn't ready, and though she doesn't want to be racist, she plans to continue to raise her other child in that environment, so I'm also concerned if my son's half brother will meet and how they will get along. Lot's to think about, but lot's of time to work on this issue. Thank you so much for your suggestions, it's all "food for thought".