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I could really use some help and I don't know who to ask. I am getting married in 7 months and my mom does not want my birthmother to be invited, even as nothing more than a guest. I am 31 years old, adopted at birth. I met my birthmother 4 years ago and have established a friendship with her. My mom wanted me to get to know nothing more than the facts about her. My birthmother does not live close by. I have visited with her 2 times per year not during family holiday time and I speak with her on the phone once of twice a month. She would like to be closer but I feel that I have set boundaries. I am very close with my adoptive family and very happy that my life with them has been so wonderful. I do not seek to create a relationship with my birhtmother to replace my family.
My mom feels that it would be innappropriate to invite my birthmother to the wedding, saying it would upset my brother (37) and the family and be an awkward situation. I feel that since I have developed a relationship with my birthmother, it would be rude not to invite her when I know she just wants to be able to be there. My mother seems to be doing everything she can to try to bully me into not inviting her, saying the family will not know who she is, she won't have anyone to talk to,etc. the woman just wants to be there. not to take over for my family, but to get to know who I am as a person and to have me know her. I have already told my birthmother that she is to be invited and I would feel too bad to back out on that simply because my of my mom. I am hurt that she does not seem to have gotten over feeling threatened by my birthmother when it has been 4 years since we first made contact and I do not feel that it has affected my relationship with my family. I treat my relationship with my birthmother as an addition to my life but not another immediate family. I already have a family, one which I am lucky to have. I am so upset. My mother says that she will support me if I force the issue and be nice at the wedding. My birthmother wants to come to visit me this fall since I have not seen her since last January and would like to meet my parents. she has done everything she can to try to be respectful of their feelings, short of ending our relationship. She wants to try to make it less awkward for my parents at the wedding but having met them already. My mom denies it but she never wants to meet my birthmother. i could so use a chat with someone who can relate. I am just crushed that this has to be hanging over my head at a time when I should be happy thinking about getting married and being luck enough to have my family who love me there as well as allowing my birthmother to see me get married. Any advice? I could SO use it
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To mwrob-
I read your post with interest. You do sound like you are exicted about the prospect of adopting but the one thing I noted was you kept referring to AMOM. I believe that you are not the Amom you are the mom. The biological mom is the BMom but once you sign that paper you are raising that baby and I would hate to think that the person that raised my little girl always thought of herself as that child's Amom. You are going to be the one that potty trains, that watches the 1st step, that teaches the ABC's...
you are going to be the one who kisses the 'booboo's all those things go way beyond being an AMOM that is just plain old MOM stuff. I am not a young person who just gave my baby up I am now a grandmother and have always thought about my other child. I just hope she was raised by a mom and not someone that always thought of themselves as her adopted mom.
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OK, I will try to make this short and simple. If I were in your shoes, I would tell my mother that I love her very much and that no one can replace the way I feel, and that as an adult you have the right to have a relationship with your birthmother, that It would never be the same as the relationship you have with your mother, but you are going to have a relationship with her, and she is going to be at you wedding. Then I would tell her that as a grow woman she should respect your choice and love you the way things are, and she will try to be kind to your birthmom, when they meet, because without the choice that you birthmom, made in keeping you and putting you up for adoption, your mother would not have had the chance to love you, and you would have never had the chance to lover her. That is what I would do, So I hope that it will help, and goodluck. Jaime
It would be nice if Birth Parents and Adoptive Parents all got along. But there is insecruity, pain, guilt, anger and just a lot of emotion behind the scene. The buttom line it is your Wedding. This day should be about you and your husband and the begining of your life together. This is a balancing act but I think if properly handled eveyone can be comfortable. Remind your Mom that this is your Wdding day. If your Husband feels comforatable then just let your Mom know that this is what you want. Re-assure her that your Birth Mom is not her to take her place. It takes awhile for relationships to build, for trust to develop, and for love to grow. The question is how strong do you feel about your B-Mom. Do you feel strong enough to let your A-Mom know that you want your B-Mom at your wedding to share the joy of this day. The problem is everyone is scared of being rejected or displaced, you just need to re-assure everyone that you LOVE all of them and no body is being left out.
You know I feel you should never ever,,, put other peoples feelings first even if its you adopted mother cause in the long run this is your life.. You lucky to have found your birth mom and to even have a relationship.. theres still many of us out here wish to be in your shoes . Im still looking for my mother but I have found my father who is my blessing my hope my prayer that Ive had through all these years he loves me and I love him.. and now that Ive found him he will always be at the same line as my adopted parents and never in the back.. life is short and I have a child now and I want him in her life to.. Ill be getting married soon to my mother doesnt want anything to with my father even said I should call him something else besides dad that hurt.. but she will have to realize he is my dad to and he will be walking me down the isle with my adopted dad too.. this is my dicisssion and my life and she has to realize i love her and that no one will ever replace her but that hes my dad also. and hes also part of my life.
Go.. by how you feel in your heart and stop thinking about how everyone else will feel in the long run thats you mother birth mother and shes trying to keep the relationship between you active I desierves to see you go down that isle
First of all, congratulations on your upcoming wedding! I agree with you that it is YOUR day, no one else's.
I, too, am a birth mom who has been contacted by my "daughter". Our relationship is one of good friends. I have told Marisa many times, that while I've always loved her and always will, I have no wish to intrude on her family life with her parents and brother.
Marisa is getting married in June, 2004. I have not been invited to the wedding nor do I expect to be. I would love to be there for Marisa as support to show her that I love her and am very happy for her. However, I have my own concerns about disrupting her wedding and have no wish to do that to her. Marisa's mother is also afraid, like your adoptive mother, that somehow I might usurp her position as Marisa's mother. I give my daughter more credit than that. She has no doubt in her mind who her parents are. Her parents are the ones who raised her, took her to the doctor and dentist, stayed up with her nights when she was sick, helped out with her homework, etc.
My message to you is this: do what you feel in your heart is right. You are an adult and while I commend you on your compassion for others feelings (I am much like you) you can't be responsible for their feelings. Some people use their feelings to manipulate others and that is wrong. I suggest you speak to your husband-to-be, ask him his opinion (he is after all, going to be your husband). If you would prefer to keep peace in the family on such an important day, I would suggest you tell your adoptive mother that out of RESPECT for her as your mother you will not invite your b'mom. Then speak to your b'mom. If she is 1/2 the woman you say she is, she will understand. Ask her if she would like to have wedding-day breakfast with you and your intended.
Best of luck to you on your wedding day and may God continue to bless you.
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I think that you should absolutely invite your birthmother. It is selfish of your mother, to not thank the woman who gave you life. I am in a situation, where my mother and father gave up a baby girl, prior to them being married. When Trena was 18, she found us.(her birth family). In the beginning her mom was very skeptical and insecure. Now, it has been 12 years and she is very close to all of us. She is my sister, even though she has another family and a sister. But she is absolutely part of our family. I think that any adult that adopts children must understand that someday, the other mother may come into the picture. Explain, to your mom, that you still love her just the same, after all she is your mother. But if you like your birthmom and respect her, by all means invite her to your wedding. Believe me she will feel more uneasy than anybody. But she will be very proud of you.
Please DO invite your birthmother to the wedding. Since this is Dec. and you posted in Aug., I hope your mom has had time to adjust to your choice of guests. This happens with all strained family relationships, whether they invovle adoption stuff or not. People in this world can never please all other people. It would be so sad if you did not have every person there that YOU wanted. My husband and I are in a mixed marriage and there was such a lack of support for our nuptials that I always advise couples to invite who they want, leave out those they don't, and be thankful for attendance to their wedding. I hope you follow what you want. Isn't that always harder for adoptees to do? Think about why you are trying so hard to please everyone else; stop trying to please everyone else and do what you want for a change. Bless you.
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I am a birth mother currently in reunion with my 31 year old daughter. Briefly, my daughters a-mom was wonderful.....at first, but within months that all changed. I think she was unhappy with the developing friendship my daughter and I had / have. I have simply decided that thats her issue and not mine or my daughters. If she thinks my daughter is looking for a mother she is mistaken. My daughter is simply searching for a sense of self. She's been raised, I couldn't do it then and I can't do it now. I posted to wish you well and to say you, as an adult have a right to invite those you wish to have at your wedding.....go ahead and do so. Best wishes......Missy
Hi,
I'm a birthmom and I have had a horrible experience with the adoptive family, especially the adoptive mother, I'm sure when the day comes my daughter will face the same conflict. Why can't adoptive parents be more appreciative. We are not cockoo birds! I will say a prayer of guidance for you. This should be a joyful time, I hope your adoptive mother can grow up.
Sincerely,
Louise
How sad that people who proport to love their adoptive children are still willing to tear them apart emotionally by hanging a guilt trip on them. How patheticly insecure they are!
I agree with those who suggest to you that it is YOUR LIFE and this is YOUR wedding. I think it would be sensible to tell your birthmother of the problems you are having with your A mom.
I DO like the idea of your birthmom visiting and meeting your A parents; that might help your A mom relax a bit.
When my daughter and I reunited in 1986 when she was 32, I flew to D.C. to meet her, her husband and my first ever grandchild face-to-face. They picked me up at the airport and we no sooner entered the house when the telephone rang. It was her Mom phoning to welcome me into the family.
That was 16 years ago. Since that time her Mom and Dad and I formed a warm friendship (her Mom just died in July). I have been invited to all of the Major family gatherings and am introduced as Susan's Birthmother, and Grandma Carol (two granddaughters now).
It CAN BE DONE, and when one party, whether A parents or Birth parents, refuse to accept the other, it can only open doors to years of unhappiness.
YOU HAVE TWO MOTHERS! You have one who gave you LIFE and another who has raised you as her own. What a pity your A Mom can't accept this. When my daughter's mom died, their eldest daughter (their only natural child) wrote me a thank you note for a "tribute" I wrote in her Mom's honor (you can read it at [url]http://www.adoptionweek.com/article.php?articleid=116[/url]). In her note she commented, "...if it wasn't for YOU, Carol, we wouldn't HAVE a family." That's the way her PARENTS thought.
I suggest that you make a hard copy of Colleen buckner's "Letter from One Adoptive Parent to Other Adoptive Parents, [url]http://www.adoptionweek.com/article.php?articleid=58[/url] and give it to your Parents. Maybe it will open their eyes. Colleen is our Search Expert here at Adoption.com. She got hooked on helping adoptees and birthparents reunite when she helped her daughter search for her birthfamily. Colleen makes a lot of sense.
Your Birthmom will need SOMEONE who knows her accompany her to your wedding, if she's invited. Even if she meets your Parents before the wedding, she will need a friend.
Why would your brother be upset about this? Have you talked with him about it?
I am so sorry for you, dear. I wish I could offer more advice. I wish your parents would understand that they are hurting YOU by behaving this way.
It is so sad.
You are in my prayers.
Hugs, Carol Bird, Birthmom in reunion 16 years.
Hi NC,That is so sad to hear at times I felt that Adoptee Parents would either keep the child away from there bmom or feed them with info which isn't true. I am a bmom looking for my daughter who was born in NJ on 6/15/77. Well anyway I think you should invite your bmom that is very selfish of your adoptive parents to say to you. Remember one thing if it wasn't for your birthmom who gave birth to you your adoptive parents wouldn't have you. Well congrats on your wedding and let me know how you made out.Take careLeigh
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How unfortunate for you, it is your wedding and it should be the best day of your life instead of thinking of other people's feelings and at the end of the day it's not your fault you was adopted.
I'm a bmum whose bson hasn't even told his aparents we're in reunion so know how 'messy' life can be but I hope your wedding goes to plan as how you want it to be.
Montravia
Hi NCGirl. I realize your original post was in August of 2002. I'm not sure you even come here any more but was curious as to how everything turned out for you? Did you end up inviting your BMom to your wedding? How is the relationship now with your AMom and BMom? Any changes? We would love to hear how you are doing.