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Hello,
I am the new moderator for the parenting forum and am so excited to be here. I have taught parenting classes at businesses including: Nike Corp, Liberty Mutual Insurance Company and University of New Hampshire. I also develop and teach courses for foster and adoptive parents for the College for Lifelong Learning. I am mom to two great sons, one of whom just graduated from Northeastern University in Boston and another who is a senior at Roger Williams University in Bristol, Rhode Island.
I have been a single parent for over 7 years and I have found it to be very challenging! And I know it has been challenging for my sons to live in two households and cope with divorce.
I have learned a few things since being a single parent - the first being that it is important not to undermine the feelings kids have for their 'other' parent, no matter how difficult that parent might have been as a partner.
I'd love to hear how it is going for you as a single parent ... and to offer support and encouragement.
NancyNic
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Just a quick update....
I guess there is someone from the state looking into my case. They want to know what could have possibly went wrong in such a short period of time. He was in my workers office for over 2 hours on Monday talking with her and her supervisors looking over the files. He took the files with him when he left. He called me Tuesday AM and we chatted for quite some time. I guess he will continue down the list of everyone involved to see what could have been done to prevent it. Hopefully it will help another family in the future.
Hope all is well with everyone.
Have a good day!
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Hi there,
Not really sure what's next for me. Trying to put things in perspective. I will probably never figure out what went wrong with my adoptive placement. I just hope the boys get the help the dearly need. I have been kicking around a few ideas, but am a little "gun shy" about jumping back in to anything yet.
What's up with you?
Nett
Dear Nett,
Had to reply to your post about disruption. I am so very sorry. I've been there, and know how devastating it is. In my case, it was an 11 year old girl, and the placement only lasted long enough for her to attack me physically. Most sadly, with the proper training and support, and fully knowing what I was getting into, it might have worked. But I had said all along I was not equipped to deal with a severely disturbed child. Afterwards, I asked the head of my agency what everyone was thinking, and they replied "we were just hoping it might work." Great, working with professionals who were working from the "let's keep our fingers crossed and hope" mindset. She's gone on to other, more prepared placements (which also haven't worked out) and I guess now they're just hoping she can stay out of jail and not get pregnant. Much guilt and sadness over my part in all that, still and probably always.
But then, on the positive side, after about a year (3 years ago), I found I had healed enough to consider adoption again. I was matched with a 9 year old boy, and he is the best thing that's ever happened in my life! We're not without our dramas (he is, after all, nearly a teenager now!), but all in all, I'd consider that our match was a happy ending. I know the wounded, never-again feeling; but all adoption experiences don't end that way, so don't automatically close the door on trying again.
Best wishes to you, whatever you decide.
kay
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Kay,
Thanks for the reply. It's been 6 weeks or so since the boys have left. I'm having some good days, but then there are the others.
In a lot of ways I am still kicking myself for not being able to make it work. My worker and I have had numerous chats about what went wrong and why, and what could have been done differently, but still end up shaking our heads. I too was completely unprepared for the severe behavior problems that I was dealing. Even the agency I was working with was a little stunned by their behavior. (The boys came from a different agency than the one I am working with)
Being single I know I have certain limitations and I never would have gone though with the adoption if I honestly thought it would be that bad. It wasn't fair to the boys and it wasn't fair to me.
Looking back, all the behavior I seen and delt with at my house, was in the child assessments, but the degree of severity was never brought up. I talked with the school social worker, the boys teachers, therapists and NEVER was I told or warned about the magnatude of problemsthat may occure. It was always the same...."we just love those boys'. 'We will miss them'. 'they are such wonderfull little guys'. And in all fairness....they were....until they didn't get their way. Then the battle was on!
They have since been placed in a foster home with another single mother. She had three other children in the home when my boys moved in. She is in the process of adopting one the children now. I have heard from the boys adoption worker once since they left. She said "they seem to be settling in fine. No major behavior problems. They are breaking things". Maybe it's just me, but I am thinking "breaking things" is kind of a major behavior problem.
i joked with my worker at one point after reading the letter that maybe that was one of the problems....Their worker doesn't recogonize a "major behavior problem". So the assessments were a little....shall we say.....off? I hate to joke about it, but it helps me keep my sanity.
I only hope that where ever the boys are now, or end up, they get the help they need and deserve.
I haven't given up hope on trying again...I just need to regain some strength and confidence, and find the will to put it all behind me enough so I can move forward.
I know God always has a plan, I just wish he would give me a sneak peak of what my future holds.
Have a great day!
Nett
Nancy,
Thanks for checking in. Things seem to calming down. I still miss the boys like crazy, I just to pray to God that I made the right decision and let Him handle things from here on out.
I have taken some time off work to sort things out and now feel like I can once again begin to move forward.
Thanks Again. Take Care.
Nett
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