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Hello!
I am a mother of two biological children (8 and 6) and one newly adopted child from Russia (4).
We are very lucky and our boy from Russia (Paul) is very healthy and happy with no major problems and we love him very much. He does display the normal institutional behaviors such as lying, manipulating and he is finding it hard to trust adults. We have worked hard to gain his trust and help decrease the poor behaviors and increase his good behaviors. It seems to be working.
Our problem is our family. They do not understand why we are raising our adopted child different from our biological children. We have over and over again tried to explain about overstimulation for Paul and how this adversely affects them and also about our rules. Paul knows what the rules are and he also knows the consequences of breaking the rules, as well as the rewards for keeping them. He does not have a problem with this, but my family does. They do not respect these rules when they are in our home and allow him to do whatever he wants. When I try to step in to correct bad behavior, they give him hugs, kisses and tell him that it is okay. They get upset because I have asked them when he is having a bad day not to give him presents and their comment to me was, "you are punishing him, we are not. It is not fair to us."
After every visit, Paul regresses and I feel I have to start over again, and again, and again, because they keep coming to visit (without an invitation).
I do not want to tell them not to come and I know they love me and love Paul, but I am finding it hard to build that bond with my son when I have to keep starting over.
How can I make them understand?
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Have you considered on telling your family that Paul needs some adjustment time to his new family and that until he settles in you would prefer if they call first before coming to visit. Try telling them politely that you understand that they want to spoil him and shower him with all of their love and attention but they need to stick to the rule for his well-being, and, if they can't abide by the rules they will not be allowed to come over until things have settled down. Technically you are not treating him any different then you did while raising your 2 bio children, they just had a head start. You got Paul when he was older and your other 2 children were taught the rules from the get go. Maybe you could schedule time with your family members and prep him before they come over. Discuss with Paul that just bcuz you have company doesn't mean that the rules don't apply. I hope that I have helped you in some way.
Good luck and best wishes,
Stacy
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Becky,
I think it's hard for lots of us to gather the emotional strength to say to ourselves, and our family and friends, "Nothing is more important right now than helping my child be the best he/she can be...no matter what."
Our kids ARE different. They require different parenting techniques, different interventions, etc. If family and friends are unable to follow our guidelines, then there are consequences. They see your son less frequently until YOU'RE comfortable with him seeing them more. They see your son only at family gatherings.
If, even with some more education, your family can't follow your limits and guidelines, then their visits need to be limited. Yes, it's hard to close the door in their faces. Yes, it's hard to say, "no you can't take my son out for ice cream today." But, you're the parent. You're the one educated about PI/attachment issues. You're the one responsible for your son's upbringing.
Not that this will solve anything, but I do have an article on my website called, "Dear Family and Friends: The Early Months." It's at [url]www.olderchildadoption.com/parenting/earlymonths.htm[/url] Maybe it will help.
Best wishes.
Becky,
I agree with Susan W 100%. Your children come first, and if the family cannot help; if they interfere and create problems for your children, the family should be cut off...it is not in your children's best interests for the hard work you are doing to be undone and undermined!
You might want to give the other family mebers a book or two to read and be streight with them...if you cannot do this my way you cannot see the children and we won't be able to see you...at least till they are aclimated and healed...probably eight to fifteen months.
Best of luck