Open Adoption Question?

I am what I'm learning you call a birth mom. I am now almost 14 weeks pregnant, and looking into finding the right family for my child. I have 3 kids already (ages 1,5,& 6) and have realized I can not do this again. I love my children all the way. And the thought of NOT knowing what is happening in this child's life once he/she leaves my arms would kill me. I wasn't sure how much of an open adoption you could have (getting pictures, how often you could keep in contact, etc) which is why I'm here to learn more. But this is the only way I want an adoption to take place. I see in the movies the kids finding out at 18 that they're adopted, and some start that long search of finding their birth mom/parents. I don't want this child to go through that pain. I hope that when I do choose a family, it is the right one. But through an open adoption, you can make sure at all times you made the right choice (if that makes sense?). And to be honest, if a family I'm considering doesn't want this, I would be worried. It's as if they're wanting to hide something almost. And through contact, they can learn more about my background and family, so that this child can learn it later on. I think it benefits everyone in the long run. The adoptive parents can then also learn more about the child by learning more about the birth mom.... Hope that all makes sense. Thanks to whoever started this website. I have a feeling this will help alot!

You can your adoption as open as you like. If you find the write people to adopt your baby, then everything will work out. You could get updates and photos once a year or you could get emails a few times a week and regular visits! Good Luck! Let me know if you need anything along the way!!

after two clsoed adoptions we had one fully open adoption and decided that from now on that was the only way to go. Our fourth child was placed in what was supposed to be an open adoption but her birth mother has dropped out of contact. We don't know where she is. I think in her case she just was not capable of maintaining contact at theis point in her life. She has many challenges and keeping up with us may just be an added burden. We are very sad about it but she has all of our contact info including that of our parents so no matter what she will always be able to find us. lisa

Gerberbabies, I wanted to point out really quickly that you are NOT a birthmother but simply a loving mother making a life plan for your baby. I will pray that everything works out and you have a happy and healthy pregnancy. I am sure that you will find what you are looking for in an open adoption. Don't worry about choosing the right family. I have been reading over and over on here that you will know when the time comes if that is what you choose. Good luck again! kllee

Wow I just realized tonight I had not come to the forums for almost 2 years. I have been reading all these post and had to respond to this one. I am not sure why someone birthparents/lifeparents do not want an open adoption yes it is a bitter sweet relationship but so worth it. I had Elle 3 years ago and did an open adoption and even as I type this waves of emotions roll through my body, mostly all of joy. We had our Christmas this past Friday night and the best gift I got was when she told me she came from my tummy becauseI love her. Or the way she played with her older sister and hugged my mother as she called her Grammie. In these last three years I have watched their family and mine grow into one. Since then they have adopted another child a beautiful baby boy.My little girl even referes to him as her little brother.Their last adoption is nothing like ours.The birth family is not involved at all.I often wonder why his mother wants no contact her son is beautiful and so sweet.I also wonder how he will feel when he is older and his birthmother is not in his life as I am in his sister Elle's. Please know that not all visits I leave with a smile sometimes tears do roll down my cheek as I kiss her goodnight and wait for the next month to come so I can kiss her again.If I had to do it again would I ? Yes I would and still would have no regrets. She is happy healthy and in my life. I may not be her Mommy but I am her birthmommy and she loves me.

I'm considering being a surrogate and will hope and pray that my intended parents fulfill my wishes on an open adoption. To me,I would be totally heart broken if I didn't get to see what the baby looked like at 5 or to know when she walked.

Why would bparents not want an open adoption? For us we have an open adoption but have never heard from the bparents sinced they signed TPR. We believe it is because their families don't know about the pregnancy and live in the same town. Our true feelings are that they know but never said anything to the bparents because they knew they couldn't afford to have another child and they themselves were not in a positions to help.

There is a great book I suggest you read. It is called Mommies, Daddies, Donors and Surrogates. It has a lot of information that would be helpful to you in making this decision.

Back in the 70's when my parents adopted my abrother and me... there were VERY few open adoptions. In fact my older abrother is the first open adoption in the state of WI. My aparents advocated for as much openess as possible. In my abrother's case, the bfamily was very willing to make this possible. Letters were exchanged, addresses, last names, PO Boxes and even visits (remember this was in the 70's!). My bmom was nervous about that type of openness. She was willing to write letters for me and send pictures along with me (when she surrendered me for adoption) and give my aparents contact info but not willing to recieve any info from them. She did not want to continue meeting with my afamily or have any knowledge of how to contact us over the years. But made sure that I had the info to find her if I wanted to at any point. Now that my bmom and I are in reunion we have discussed this at length. She says that she couldn't trust herself at that time. She thought that if she knew how to contact me or was allowed (through an totally open arrangement) to visit me as a child that she would have never been able to leave me again. She was afraid that with open contact through childhood she would have hurt me emotionally- by coming and going over the years. (I disagree with her thinking on this point but that is how she felt). So in my afamily we had all levels of openess: open with my older abrother, semi-openish with me and extremely open with my youngest abrother. The varying degrees of openess was not a problem for us at all growing up. If a bmom cannot handle a totally open adoption- I suggest trying for some type of compromise such as the one my aparents set up for me.

We are going x-mas shopping today,so I'll check Barnes and Noble for the book.I have decided to do surrogacy so I can bring a family the same joy that I have been blessed with.Any other info you have or input would be much appreciated.Thanks.

HI. I had wanted a semi-open adoption with my birthson, Joseph, who will be 11 next week. I did pick and meet the adoptive parent, and when I did, I asked that they send me a picture/update once a year, or more if possible. Well, I got 2 pictures when he was about 5 months old, but that was IT. I really hate that. If they didn't want to send pictures/updates, they should've just said no. I think they were affraid I would've chosen someone else(I may very well have, don't know). I know the town they live in and that they changed his name, but other than that, i don't know anything! The agency I used either changed names or went out of business(they are no longer in the yellow pages or in a web search I did), so I have no way of finding anything out. I think it's wonderful that you're willing to work with the birthparents, but unfortunately, not all adoptive parents are :(.

I think that some bith parents just can't handle an open adoption. Just like some adoptive parents can't. For some I'm sure they would just like to move on with their life and just have "faith" in their decision. Sometimes moving on for some means letting go completely and for them it may be the only way to move on or get through. Our sons birthmom has not wanted any contact. The grandmother said it's easier for her daughter to just keep him out of her mind/sight and pretending that he doesn't exist, is just her way of not having to face the loss and despair of the situation. While it sadens me greatly to know this and to know how much it might hurt my son... at the same time I just want her to get through and what ever way she can find to do that and to find happiness in her life, i hope she continues to do what works for her. I figure the door is always open if she changes her mind and someday when my son is older maybe she will finally be at a better place in her life to let him in. And frankly, I've learned that open adoptions can be very difficult at time. If she isn't capable or wanting it in the first place then it won't work. It won't be beneficial to my son. So in cases where drugs/alchohol abuse or some other things may be an issues the birthparent may not want to be a part of the childs life, feeling ashamed for who they are or the choices they've made. Maybe they feel the child IS better off without them being IN their life growing up.

Is this typical? Are most bmom called their first name, and amom called "mom? I grew up in a divorced household, and my father requested that I call my stepmom "mom. I didn't see a lot of my bmom, but she was also mom. To this day it's weird talking to my anyone about my "mom"...I have often wondered how this works in an open adoption.

I think thatthis is pretty typical. I don't know of any open adoptions where the birthmom is called "mom". Usually her first nameor a nick name. Open adoption is not like divorce, it is not co-parenting and that should be clear from the get go. lisa

after reading this i can now understand why they put birthmoms and adoptees in completely different areas... you wanted a closed adoption so you could 'move on'? and then you wish you'd never found them because they didn't give you all the love and attention i'm sure you feel YOU deserve?! How selfish are you??? What about the child you want to pretend you never had..who at the very least..might not like the idea of having to be subjected to multiple tests at the hospital everytime they are seen for ANYTHING simply because they don't know their medical history? or might want to know what racial slurs they should be offended by? when you have a child..you lose the right to privacy from that child..regardless of whether you decide to 'play mommy'...i'm so sickened by every mother who puts her own privacy above the child they gave birth to...so much so that if i ever do find my birthmother..and find out she was so afraid of telling her daddy she got knocked up 18 yrs after the fact.... or just wanted to move on with her life.... that from that day on i will have nothing further to do with her.. nor would i want to. If you didn't want to admit to having a child you never should have given birth to it...guess you better never run for president.. wouldn't want your dirty little secret to come out...oh wait.. i guess it'd be protected by Jim Crow laws