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I've read many of the posts on this board, but none seemed to address some of my concerns. We are contemplating a semi open adoption. Can't go into logistics at this time, but the child is not placed voluntarily, nor are the biological parents chosing the adoptive family. There is not a newborn, so no visit to the hospital to meet the bio mom and there may/may not be an opportunity to meet either of the biological parents at all. This sets a different tone when working with a mediator to set up a contract for openness. Privacy on the part of the adoptive parents would be maintained, with little/no identifying information being shared with the biological family.
I'm pleased that the information shared on this board is so candid and covers so many aspects about what to do that works, the honesty about how much work it takes to make it all happen, and the focus on keeping the child's needs in mind and the upbeat advice given. I know that open adoption can be wonderful for everyone involved. I'm happy that this is so.
However, when doing research into open adoptions and how they work I've found very little information on "failures" and what caused the breakdown. Has anyone had negative experiences, and if so, what caused them? Was it lack of communication? Expectations being unrealistic? Extended family issues? Was it something out of the blue that could not have been anticipated? What kinds of safe guards should be in place from the perspective of the biological parents as well as the adoptive parents? What can I do going in to a semi open adoption to facilitate the openness without setting up the child for yet another emotional loss? Sorry to sound so vague, but can't ask the very pointed questions I would like to!
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Hmmm ....I'm at a loss for advice for you! Usually I always have something to say, lol.
This board really is for aParents to ask a birthmom (me, the moderator, or others) a question ...and most of the birthparents at these forums may not match your criteria (example: most placed voluntarily).
Maybe trying this same question (great questions!!) on another board, a more lively one at that. Possibly the "aMom and bMom" board on the Birthparent's after adoption forum??
Sorry couldn't be of more help to you! Anyone else??
Skye
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I wasn't sure if this was the best board...but there did seem to be alot of birth mothers here with a variety of experiences.
So far I've found that many people openly discuss open adoptions with biological parents who have ongoing issues with addictions and other situations. Thanks for the suggestion about the other board. (That was part of my problem...so many boards covering so many things! Which would be the best fit?)
I've learned alot reading the posts here. Thanks.
Barksum,
I placed my son in a semi-open adoption thirteen years ago. The openness failed; I'm not entirely sure why. The aparents maintained the agreement (periodic photos and health updates, using the agency as an intermediary) only for the first year. After that, the adoption was finalized, and the aparents never sent another thing. They moved away and left no forwarding address with the agency. Last summer I tracked them down, contacted them, and received a long letter and a couple of photos. There was no explanation as to why they felt unable to maintain the agreement; so I still don't really know what the story is or why the openness didn't work out. Maybe someday I'll have answers; for now I'm content just to know that my son is alive and well (for over a decade, I feared that he had died and nobody wanted to tell me, and that's why they stopped writing. They were initially so gung-ho about the correspondence that this seemed to be the only logical explanation).
Anyway, I don't know if I could tell you anything else that would help you, but if you have questions feel free to PM me; I would be happy to share the details of my situation if it would help your family or anyone else avoid such a devastating experience.
Best of luck to you, ~ Shar
I think that the single biggest reason for failures of openness in adoption boils down to fear. Fear on the aparents side because they think the bparents will want the child back, or fear that they will be "second best" if the child knows the bparents, or even fear that they are hurting the bparents with pictures/letter/calls/contact. On the Birthparents side, I think it's fear that child will grow to hate them for being relinquished, or even just the fear of the unknown (What will happen if I get a picture and the baby looks just like So-and-So?). The other general thing seems to be a sense of "moving on"...aparents want to act like the child is entirely theirs and will never have a need or desire to know about their birth family...I think this is why some people aren't even told they are adopted. And on the bparents side, it's "move on", do all the things you need to do that are why you placed in the first place.
As I mentioned on my website, the #1 thing is communication . Ask how the other party feels about contact, ask what people think. There may be a lot more to things than you can see from where you are. And, since you said this is not an infant and is not voluntary, I would, if possible, maybe even try to get some input from the child.
*hugs*
Ress
I'm willing to bet that you haven't found a lot on open adoption failures because there isn't much material out there. Open adoption is probably one of the most satisfying forms of adoption for the entire triad. It involves everyone, provides info for everyone and everyone gets to share the love of the adoptee and eachother.
I have experienced minor breakdowns due to communication error. Either I've held back or the APs have, but in the end communication has always fixed it. I believe it is best for the adoptee to have full identifying access to all his or her records (if possible) and access to his or her birthparents. A relationship with the birthparents will also set your heart at ease (possibly) about the mystery surrounding them. I also have not met a birthparent yet that did not enjoy knowing what was going on with her daughter or son.
I belive open adoption is the way to go. Legally it is much easier to close information than it is to open it. You can always limit contact (although I suggest placing the limits BEFORE the child is placed with you so you aren't "tricking" the birthparents). I don't know your situation, but I hope this information helped.
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