homstudy nerves

Most unqualified people are ruled out on intake. Agencies don't want to waste their time and families' money doing homestudies on people who clearly won't pass, so they'll usually ask a lot of questions upfront to make sure it's worthwhile to begin a homestudy. After talking with such people, they'll either tell them (gently, I hope) that the circumstances simply won't permit them to adopt, or recommend that they wait a year or so until some issues in their situation are resolved. When people are rejected, one critical reason is that they have lied to the social worker, and the lie has been found out. As an example, suppose a person said that he had no criminal record, but the police clearance came back showing a conviction. Maybe the offense was minor and happened quite a long time ago, and if the person had been upfront with the social worker, he could have been approved; however, because of the lie, he is almost certain to fail. Most people don't fail because of their home, that's for sure. People have adopted while living in rental apartments. People have adopted while living in one-bedroom apartments, in some states. People have adopted with mismatched furniture and a dog who threw up on the rug at the feet of the social worker. People have adopted despite having a toddler in the home who decided to take off all his clothes and march around in the living room naked, while the social worker was present. Prospective parents obsess and obsess about the home visit, cleaning like madmen and sometimes even doing things like putting in new drapes or new kitchen flooring, but it really isn't necessary. The social worker will look at your home for obvious safety issues, such as an unfenced pool, broken steps, etc. Instead of failing you for such things, you will usually be told that you'll need to address these issues before approval can be given. The state may also mandate that the social worker look for things like the presence of smoke detectors outside sleeping rooms and a fire extinguisher in the kitchen. Again, you'll usually be told to deal with these issues. The homestudy is not designed to trick you. If you ask your social worker, in advance, whether state law mandates any specific things, such as a fully set up room for the child or a certain number of square feet in the child's sleeping area, he/she will tell you. Most social workers are NOT looking to disqualify families. In fact, they know how many kids need families, and they are usually eager to find people who want to parent. And while you may find an occasional judgmental social worker, most of your colleagues are comfortable with lifestyles that may be different from their own. Obviously, if the social worker sees anything that causes him/her to question your character or your ability to care for a child safely, you could be rejected. As an example, if the liquor bar was a very prominent feature in your home, the bottles weren't locked up, and you offered the social worker an alcoholic beverage several times, meanwhile drinking a couple yourself, he/she might conclude that you are an alcoholic -- and not a sober one. Active alcoholics make lousy parents, and the social worker would be justified in rejecting your application to adopt. Occasionally, the home visit can also highlight something suggesting that a person is unprepared for parenting. As an example, if a social worker comes into an impeccably clean home with white carpeting and white furniture throughout and beautiful antiques everywhere, he/she is not going to think, "What a beautiful home!" He is going to think, "Doesn't this guy know anything about kids? Is he going to lock them in a closet until they're 18? Is he going to have a heart attack if they break a vase or track muddy shoes in on the carpet?" While probably not grounds for rejection, such a situation could lead to a recommendation that the person consider how a child will fit into his chosen lifestyle. But you really have to remember that the homestudy isn't mainly about approving you to adopt. It's about helping you to become a good parent who can deal with the challenges of raising an adopted child. The critical parts of the homestudy are the discussions you will have about things like parenting a child of a different race, dealing with birthparents in an open adoption, teaching a child to respect his/her birth heritage (in an international adoption), maintaining your marriage while dealing with a new baby, developing a good support system, etc. When I adopted, I was not an adoption professional. Still, I had a Master's degree, had taught children for five years, had been in hospital administration, and had volunteered with sick kids at a children's hospital. You might think that I wouldn't benefit much from a bunch of discussions with a social worker, or from a preadoption class. But I must say that both the preadoption class I took and my interactions with my homestudy social worker were extremely helpful as I formulated plans for raising my daughter-to-be. I hope that you will be able to relax and enjoy the home visit and the other parts of the homestudy. You may well find that you enjoy the chance to sit around with a member of your own profession, talking about kids and adoption. Certainly, you will probably shut the door when the social worker leaves after your home visit and say to yourself, "Was THAT what I was so worried about?" Good luck with your homestudy and your adoption. Sharon