Attunement

This was my/our way of connecting to my/our son. When we took him home, he was a tiny little guy, diagnosed with "mild failure to thrive". During our first week at home we limited visit from others. No one else was allowed to pick Shai up or care for him. We responded to his every cry, every need immediately, so he wouldn't be afraid or hungry. He slept in the room with us, but in his own crib. We minimized the use of a stroller and carried him everywhere. Shai was used to hold his own bottle, so when feeding him we held him in a manner that made eye contact easy and we held the bottle for him. Since it was summer he didn't need much in the way of clothes, so it was easy to have lots of skin contact, touching and caressing. After just a few days we started to be so in tune with him that we could tell when he was getting ready to wake up by just hearing his breathing change. At night, after he falls asleep I usually go into his room, put my hand on his head and caress him softly, telling him that I love him. Now Shai is a very happy, cheerful toddler who seems to have bonded well with us. He is developing well, mentally, emotinally and physically. We love him. What more can I say..

Shai's Mom, Thank you so much for sharing your experience. What a beautiful job you have done. I really appreciate your ability to construct an environment for attunement. Meaning, you limited contact from others, held him most of the time, helping him depend on you for feeding, touch and love. The environment that you created was based in love and safety and obviously this was key for the bonding. I am so glad to hear of your experience and how well Shai and you are doing. Thanks again for sharing and I wish you the best in the future! Cindy

In fact I wish the focus was there more days then not! This is exactly what I would like to see offered to our situation. Just so that you understand where I am coming from: We had placement for adoption a little girl of 5 and her baby borther age one just a little over one year ago. The little girl came with many evaluations and each and every one said: NO ATTACHMENT issues seen or detected. In fact we were told "she is ready to attach with her new forever family and there is no reason to believe attachment will be an issue" So the time goes on and the honeymoon ends and we are standing there with a laundry list of issues. Tanturms, possible pre-memory sexual abuse and some behavior matters. Things we know regualr everyday parents do in fact face. I start the quest of seeking HELP. With therapy and intervention and all that we can find under any rock around town,.....the next town over and 30 miles away. Three different doctors and therapy methods and ALL AGREE she has not one sign of attachment issue to work on or be concerned with! But, some of the problems are still huge for us--we cannot deal with 4 hour tantrums every other day with a child who is more then half my body weight! We simply need some help and ideas on dealing with them---we need some ideas and advice on the sexualized behaviors and we need some moral support. So I find several web sites of other adoptive parents including this one......and start posting the details of problems and the ONLY ANSWER I GET IS ATTACHMENT ATTACHMENT ATTACHMENT! If I say three doctors have told me it is not the problem and the school thinks I am nuts--the adivce is that I HAVE NOT WORKED HARD ENOUGH TO FIND THE 'RIGHT' DOCTOR OR THERAPY! I am not alone here--there are others who would love a simple suggestion for a typical problem many parents face--but only hear the words ATTACHMENT! In our case no matter how clearly I try to express the situation--I am told attachment is the problem---but, the word ATTUNEMNET hits me in the GUT! That is the issue we are dealing with more then anything else! ATTUNMENT is the word that says the feelings I have in my situation....I have attuned with baby brother--but not as well with big sister and if one person had a few suggestions to let me know how to foster attunment with this little girl I think the problems we face would diminish very much! Thanks for your post--you have given me the WORD I have been looking for. Anna

I agree, attunement is a word you don't hear much. I wish there was more information available on that subject. I'm so sorry to hear about your problems with your little girl. I can imagine that the temper tantrums are getting old, quick. Since I'm not experienced with older child adoption, I can only tell you what I would attempt. Do you have a rocking chair? Try to set aside a special time for holding her on your lap, rocking her and keep telling her how special she is to you and how much you love her. Hold her like she was a baby (a bit tricky, since she is after all considerably bigger than an infant), make sure you have eye contact, stroke her hair and her face and just "feel" her. Make her feel that she IS your baby.. I believe the key element here is physical contact. After all, it comes more natural to hold an infant or a toddler, because the smaller the child, the more dependent she is, not to mention easier to lift/handle. I wish you all the best. Surely you will find the "key" to open your little girl's heart!

Yes, having the word attunement is helpful in the understanding of what really is lacking in your daughter's life. I do hear your frustration/angry, rightfully so, with the lack of accurate information prior and after you received your daughter. For some reason, many professionals still do not understand the complex issues around attachment disorder. I am very sorry you had to experience that first hand. I do agree completely with Shai's Mom and how she was describing the attunement process with an older child. Trying to view your daughter as your baby is difficult, especially after 4 hour tantrums. I appreciate the idea of holding and rocking your daughter. Most likely she will fight this at first, because she may have never had this experience and will fight the closeness. However, this is exactly what she needs. If you can find the strength as you are holding her to reassure her that you understand that it is difficult for her to be held and you will help her feel safe and loved. This may take some time, but you want to help her with these feelings. Empathizing with how she may be feeling and why she is feeling this way, can help ease the pain she is carrying and the need for her to push everyone away with her bad behavior. Our thoughts are with you as you continue on this journey and we wish you the best. Please remember to be good to yourself, there is nothing harder than parenting a child with these issues. Cindy

I am so glad to have found this thread. My daughter was recently diagnosed with difficulties in the area of attunement. The therapist wants to work on increasing eye contact, especially when a person is very close to her, face to face. My frustration is that I am having trouble figuring out what is normal behavior for a 10 month old and what is problematic. Some of her behaviors in therapy are in direct contrast to how she acts at home. I don't want to be the parent that says my child has no problems, but on the other hand, I would like to understand better where her problems lie. Does anybody know of any books or articles I could read to become better informed in this area? Thank you in advance for your time.

Hi Chris, good question. What is normal behavior and what is a potential issue. I would need to hear a little bit more about what is happening, but if you are not having problems at home and you feel that you are able to relate and attune with your daughter than I would go with your gut instincts. I am wondering what kind of therapy is a 10 month old is receiving? Increasing her ability to maintain eye contact is a good goal, however it does not sound like you consider this as a problem. Maybe she is able to maintain eye contact with you. For some babies, eye contact will increase naturally. You all have been home, it sounds like for 5 months. This is still realitively new and she is still adjusting and transitioning, and I am sure you are too. Eye contact can be increased through play, like peek a boo, etc.. As for what is normal vs. a problem, you can reference books like what to expect in your baby or what to expect the first year. These have milestones of what babies usually do at different stages in there development. This can be a good starting place, be careful not to compare completely, not all kids are alike. Some will just develop at different stages. But it can be useful to get an idea of what happens at each developmental stage. I hope this was helpful, please feel free to write more if this was not enough. Good luck and be good to yourself. Cindy

Thank you for your reply. I do have the book what to expect ... and it is very helpful. Mariela and I are going to theraplay sessions 1x/week. The therapist has us play games and do activities while staying in very close proximity to Mariela's face. I have a problem distinguishing when she looks away due to discomfort and when she looks away because she is so very curious about everything. She also has me put lotion on her, wrap her up in a blanket and feed her. I don't have difficulties with these activities at home, but during theraplay they can be a bit difficult. I don't know if it is due to Mariela's comfort level or curiousity. She wants to meet 8 times and then re-evaluate Mariela's progress. I wish I understood a little bit more than I do which is why I am trying to gain more information about the topic of attunement. I don't want to be the parent that says "my child has no problems..." however, I am having some difficulty seeing what the problem is, or perhaps I should say the degree of the problem. Thank you again for your time. Any additional insights you have would be greatly appreciated.

This made me think back to a time that I didn't really have a word for what I was doing but I just knew that I needed to get back to basic bonding with our 3 year old fosterdaughter. She would come home from 8 hour unsupervised visits with bfamily and want to take a warm bath to 'relax'. Immediately after her bath, I would sit on the floor and wrap her in a warm towel and rock her on the ground for a very VERY long time.I remember sometimes my legs and back would ache SO very bad but I kept doing it anyway. She would suck her thumb and play with my hair,etc. Neither were things that she never regularly did. This was the very first way to 'slow her down' and to bond with her. Now, when she is upset and I am holding her I often tell her to feel how calm my hearbeat and warmth feel to her. She does still resist at times but afterwards it always seems to 'release' her anger and control issues and deep sadness in little bits. Strangely enough, this little girl who is now 7 always thanks me over and over.