Scared to death

Leca, As a birthmom, I hear your fear. I think my bson's mom has shared that same fear. I know that she had some difficulty when D and I reconnected; she couldn't see why he would want more than medical information. I can only speak for myself. I have no desire to replace amom (S) in D's life. She is his mother and I would frankly be upset if I thought he didn't love her! I am blessed that D wants me to be a part of his life, but though I gave birth to him, I was not the one who diapered him, bathed him, rocked him to sleep, cried his tears (the list goes on!) I love him deeply and I love that he loves his (a) parents. Again, as a birthmom, I can only say, amoms are mothers not babysitters who get the kids to 18 and then lose them to the "real" parents. You are the real parents who did and continue to do the down and dirty day to day parenting.

I am a bmom 11 months into reunion with my son. I hear very much what you are saying and I sent a letter to his aparents to thank them for their support in his search for me, that he loves them very much and I dont see that clashing with myself and him getting to know each other; that I feel for them, as it must be a shock to them for him to want to search for his roots, even if expected, that I couldn't have wished for a better home for him, stable environment in which to grow, that they'd taken the full force of his adjustments in life (I was referring to drugs,etc) that they deserved his loyalty, and they have it, that I hoped that once he gets to know himself and his biological family that I hoped it would cement their relationship with him and bring them closer than ever. This is how I feel about the adoptive parents - I'm so grateful that they supported his search. My son has said that he thinks his amom is jealous of our connection and I encourage him to be sensitive to her feelings and I will not allow an "us" and "them" situation. Nearly 30 years of loving a boy that is my birth son is something that I think is wonderful, they have stuck through the most difficult times imaginable with him and I am grateful that they love him so much. I can't say I've found it easy myself, this reunion business is a difficult time (understatement) for me and I can more than imagine for all involved (triad). So I would say that, yes, your feelings are very understandable, but depending on the triad and those involved, it could turn out happily. I would be appreciative if the amom could reach out to me as I am to her, and I hope we will grow to be supportive of each other. But that will take time and pain to overcome. I hope these thoughts will comfort you and help you in the time to come. Love is an amazing thing and a child can love 2 mothers in two completely different ways, but the loyalty doesn't have to be divided for both. Love and ((((hugs))) sent your way, I know its difficult for you.

My worst fear is that these children I love who definitely remember their birth mom as they were foster children in the "system" will get their files when they are 18 find their birth mom and turn their back on me, the one that raised them. Any one else have this fear?

I don't think you will be scared or insecure when your children reach the age of 18 and are free to search. I think if you can support the "naturalness" of the situation, you will also have utmost faith in your children to know what is right for them and trust their decisions will be good ones.

Remember they will be adults -not children. Most adoptees search in their late 20's to 40's. By the time they are in reunion with birthfamily, you probably will have already accepted their partner or spouse into your family circle, complete with a set of in-laws each and their close friends. Families grow as the years turn over, and some wise person said "You can't be loved by too many people". I'm in my 50's and know that you just "bunch up" and make room for the additions you gather along the way.

When I was a mother with young children I couldn't grasp the concept of not being the centre of my children's universe forever, but you know.......it happens pretty quickly. Before you know it they are adults, leaving home, forging careers, marrying, having babies and, (thankfully) for my bson, reconnecting with birth parents. I'm not the focus of his life. I'm the completion of what he sees as the significant family in his life. By virtue of birth I belong to him and our relationship is acknowledging that belonging while still remaining very fiercely loyal to his parents who he loves dearly.

Cuddle your babies,

Laugh & play with your toddlers, and talk about their beginnings

Guide your teens, and acknowledge their uniqueness

Celebrate with your adults - ready to start their life journey

That's parenthood. Ann

great posts......:coffee: i think reunion should be looked at in a good light especially for the adoptee....the last thing the adoptee needs is to feel bad for looking for healing from the questions that most adoptees and birthparents have..... when those questions are answered then healing can start......secrets only harbour resentment and unresolved emotional issues......i really feel that open adoptions are much better than closed as the walls are already down and theres no worries ....as hopefully all parties are trying to think of 'each other' and trying to heal from all the emotional pain in adoption ......... i do believe that Jesus can bring relief to the worries we have......Jesus can calm the storm we feel inside....:flowergift:

Jody, am I understanding correctly that it was the secret mystery of the tightly closed adoption that drove those who reunified to take those steps... but that they wished they had just had a little more information, all along but not totally an "open adoption". I guess it is like hearing, "No no you can NOT know the details" that makes them feel they just MUST find out. I am curious (but not fearful) about our 7-year old son's future interest. He knows he is adopted but does not grasp that there is another "mom" out there. We are taking the first steps toward perhaps adopting again... considering a domestic waiting boy out of foster (4-9 years). We know there are so many who need forever families and DS wants a brother so badly! What kind of discussions will all of this bring on as we get closer? Do we just await his questions? That has been our plan. Wisdom anyone? PS I am reading a very cool Christian book about facing challenges (fears) called "In a Pit With a Lion on a Snowy Day". I highly recommend it!

I can attest that as an adoptee from the closed era, I had no desire for an open adoption. After finding bfamily (and ONLY because I was in DIRE need of medical info) it made me even more grateful and closer to my afamily. I honestly believe if I were in an open adoption that IU would have grown up with many problems. I would have questioned where my loyalty should be . I love my amom way to much to share that love with any other mother. Amom is the ONLY mother I ever knew and want. EZ

Yesterday I stopped at D's with my oldest grandson. He and D's stepson spent a couple hours outside playing which was great (any thing that my Grandson away from the computer is great!). D's parents were there helping take care of the kids since DIL is away for a week. (D was working from home and in his home office most of the time.) S and I stayed for dinner. I spent the time helping with the little ones and talking with D's parents. (1 grandparent figure per kid is a good ratio!) I guess my point is this: after 3 years we've built a comfortable relationship. D's aparents are his parents and the grandparents of his children. I have had the opportunity to get to know them all and to get to watch the children grow. I am a part of their lives, but I have not replaced anyone. As I think you can see, there are as many responses to reunion as there are relationships and adoptions. Many (adult) children have a need to express their independence. It's got to be especially scary for aparents when the young adult asserts his independence by starting a relationship with bparents. My advice is to remain as unanxious as possible, and let your child figure out how to be an adult "child."

Are you saying that you are afraid to hurt? Afraid you'll never see that child again? I believe this is completely human and above all Love.As my favorite humanitarian and example on love would say dont be afraid to risk it all love can and is painful reach out dont be afraid. It seems like you have done a great job at instilling this into your child from your reaction. People do not forget who really loved them. Remember that you are paralyzing yourself and that Love for other children who need it too. Isn't it wonderful that we have that capability the gift to love many. Take care and God Bless

That is your "worst fear"... As a mature adult who grew up in the system looking back at this particular issue, all I can say is, stop worrying! There is a natural curiosity that all foster kids will ahve about their biological parents. To put yourself in the position of worrying about it sets up a "me or them" sceanrio. When that happens, you will lose if you make the kid(s) choose who they love more. I "love" "like" "respect" or "hate" each of my foster parents independently of how I felt about my biological parents. Understand that and don't put yourself in the middle and you'll be better off, so will your kids. Yes, I know what you may be thinking, the bio parents are dysfucntion, maybe even dangerous. thye don't deserve the kids love. If you raise a kid with good values, they will recognize that for themselves and deal with the relationship appropriately. Bottom line, have faith in the relationship you build with your kids and let the other side take its own course.

As an adoptee and an amom, I do not have this fear. I easily know I have enough room in my heart to love both.

I SO have that fear! Or that doing an open adoption, my baby will say "Yea, no I want to go live with my birthmother." THEN I remember how freaking awesome we are, and that it just wont happen that way. And with support and communication with our child, they can be OK with thier situation as well. It's all about the faith!

Hopefully they will remember their mother as it will help them with identity, who they are and give them so concrete foundation for adoption.Most adoptees cope with having many family members, it is not either or, all are different. If you prepare well, do a good job of adoption and understand what you're in for you, get support and help if needed and understand the losses of adoption for adoptees you may be ok.

Secrets in adoption, closed or open do not drive adoptees to commit reunification! It is normal for all humans to want to know who they are related to, who are our biological relatives, hence the popularity of ancestry.com!!

Von66, I'm with you. Secrets that are based in fear are going to cause problems. We have a very open adoption, our daughter is 6 and knows/loves her birthmom very well. However, bmom's family was all panicky about the adoption (even though they kind of pushed her in that direction), and insisted that none of us reveal the truth to bmom's sister's kids (our daughter's cousins, just a few years older than our daughter). So they knew our girl was adopted; they just had no idea their aunt was her mom. I did NOT like this; neither did bmom, but we let it ride. Our families know each other, you see. Well, one day the cousins were visiting our house, and the girl told our daughter, "Maybe someday you'll get to meet your birth mom." My daughter piped up, "Oh, I already know her! I'll show you her picture." And the story was out! The cousins were surprised, stunned even, to realize their auntie was my daughter's first mom. But instead of being traumatized by the truth, they said, "Why didn't anyone tell us before?" And they started calling all my kids their "cousins." I know adoption stories are not always great. But I think there is a lot of fear and evil rumors out there that stigmatize adoption. I've had people say my daughter will want to move in with birth family when she's older. "She'll rebel and reject you and choose them," sort of stories. Well, having just gone through some trials with my first-born who is now 20, and hitting it again with a 17 year old, I can testify that teens may rebel and reject you no matter who their birth parents are! But if you can hold on and love them through it, they probably will come back to you. And seriously, sheababy's got it right. We oughta have enough room in our hearts for everyone. It's a risk; but isn't all love a risk?

I am adopted and my search for birthfamily had nothing to do with my relationship with my adoptive family. I'm someone that likes to know answers to things and thus I made contact with my biological family. I really like them. I do have lots of different feelings for my bfamily/bmom but those feelings are to do with them. What I feel about my afamily is totally separate and irrelevant to my relationship with bfamily. That's not to say my amom's feelings are irrelevant, not at all. I am always respectful of her feelings though I am fortunate that she feels that my wanting to know bfamily is my adult business. In fact, I think our relationship has improved. Actually, I personally wouldn't have minded an open adoption. That feeling has nothing to do with how I feel about my afamily but more about how I feel about bfamily. In fact, my younger abrother almost did have an "open adoption". I actually hope that my relationship with bfamily strengthens through the years. My relationship with afamily is already strong. I don't expect either relationship to affect the other Agree with above. I feel no more or loss gratitude to my parents than I did before. I feel the same gratitude to my parents as any biological child does. However, I don't "feel more gratitude for my adoptive parents and families because of any truth I learned about my birth families" and it really isn't something an adoptive parent should expect from their child. The truth is that your relationship with your child is yours and their relationship and your child's relationship with their bfamily is their and their bfamily's relationship and those two relationships don't need to be competing with each other. In fact, as others have said, if you are supportive of your child, there is a good chance your relationship will strengthen and I think this is because by doing so, you are showing trust.