Should I tell my Birthchild I am her mother

September 25, 2003

Posts: 1 birth mother has question

A family member adopted my child 30+ yrs ago. I'm known to her as Aunt. I have since married & have a son who he & she knows as a cousin. Both are only children. Should I tell her I am her mother & she has a brother? The adopted mother is deceased. She & I are close? Thanks for any input. My brother is her adopted father & he thinks she should be told only if she wants to search. She says she doesn't because a friend did & it was a disaster.

Thanks for your help

patrisha

September 25, 2003

What a tough situation. Right now both your son and birth daughter are in the dark about their real biological connection.

Does she know her father is her uncle (or related at all for that matter?) How close are you to her as her "aunt"?

My instincts tell me if she finds out on her own, her faith in her closest family members will be shattered.

If her only reason for not searching is fear of rejection, then my opinion is that she should be told. Probably should have been told a long time ago.

Good Luck,

Trish

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Rainbow mom

September 25, 2003

I would let her adoptive father know I was planning to tell her in a month (giving him time to tell her) then I would tell her. Secret's suggest ugliness and she will find out sooner or later. It is best coming from you or her adoptive father.

sspete

September 25, 2003

I agree with Trish.......She should be told!!!! SHe is old enough and mature enough at 30 to deal with the truth!!!! It may be very difficult for her but it is better than her NEVER knowing!!!! You will be there for the ultimate support, but DO NOT be surprised if she pulls away from you for awhile......THIS IS GOING TO SHOCK HER TREMENDOUSLY!!!!!!!!! Give her space and time and with some hope and prayers everything will work out for the best for the entire family!!!!! Please keep us updated!!!! Blessings........

:D S Pete

Irish 136

September 26, 2003

I can't thank you enough for your concern. I have discussed it with mt brother & sent some of the messages from the board. will keep you posted

shirleyville

March 20, 2004

I will join in with the others in a resounding "tell her"! :D

If I were in her shoes, I would want to know, and if I found out by "other means", it would devastate me!

Having come from a family "rich in deep dark secrets", I have to say that secrets rarely stay secret forever. I have discovered several things on my own that were kept from me for nearly 40 years, and for me, it only brought about bitterness -- something I work hard every day to overcome.

You mention that you and your birth daughter are close....and you also mentioned that her a-mom has passed. Once she gets past the shock of the situation, she may look upon this as a second chance at having a mom! I am with Staci, tho....she may need some time to get over things. I would tend to feel a tad on the betrayed side to know that I had lived 30 years of my life in a family who chose to withhold this kind of information.

Thirty years is long enough!!! Break the cycle of deception now.....accept the fall out, if there is any, and move forward to build a new relationship!!

I'll certainly keep you and your family in my prayers!

Hugs,

Sally