What has helped me

I believe councilling is highly relevant for anyone involved in adoption. There are so many compley emotional and psychological issues involved that much is put at risk when assumptions are made based in ignorance. As I have quoted previously: Mark Twain astutely observed that we are all ignorant: only about different things and this is the premis we should all adopt, not the reverse and assume we know more or know better than others. We don't. And life has a way of teaching us these lessons when we refuse to be humble and often it is in gruelling and cruel ways. Only we do more damage with prejudice and ignorance and every time, the ones to bear the brunt of adult arrogance are the children and then we wonder why they grow with manifest deliquencies and then shout out loud at the disseray of sciety: well it's time we took a good hard look at who makes up society: it is not a matter of us and them.`WE are theus and we are the them. Each of us are part of the society we find so often repulsive and objectionable: so why do we blithly turn away and say it does not have anything to do with us? None of us have the answers: even professionals learn new things about the human mind and human behaviour: nothing remains static. All of nature - including us are in a continual state of flux, of change and growth: those who refuse to change and grow, fall into the very mechanisms that dictate things remain more or less the way they are. Counselling is not a disease, it is not a sign of failure: it is an intelligent choice that indicates a willingness of an open mind to learn, even if that means learning to change the way one thinks and behaves.

I have had councelling about many problems in my life. However it wasn't until I got involved in a group called Forget Me Not, a self help group for the adoption triangle, that I got closure around my need to be with my child. I realized that adoptees needs to know their history and does not necessiarly need a relation with their birth parents. I can now let my son go and leave a door open should he ever want to walk in. I accept he is responsible for his life today, and that I cannot make up for the past, I can only love him just the way he is, and be there if he ever needs support from me in any way. In the meantime, I have the opportunity to support adoptees who are in the group.

Don't leave it all bottled up for 22 years like I have. Get some help!

Mine has been 21 almost 22 years. I wish I had gotten any kind of counselling. I even let the agency know I would be available to talk to other girls/women wanting to place their children for adoption. Mine was a good one but I wish I had counseling. I hurt about so many things, this is one hurt I carry with me, still. I needed to grieve the loss and never did and still haven't. I am trying to get with a group from my church so I will have what I need. Good Luck to you all Linnea A

Yes, sometimes a church can help. Although I got more from the Forget me not group. A group of adoptees and bmoms, is a great place to hear the other side.

faithcmom1 wrote..I needed to grieve the loss and never did and still haven't. I ended up shut up in my house.. I would only go out for groceries and school meetings for the kids.. This was 1990 and I gave my son up in 1965.. I finally went for therapy when my husband had a cancer scare.. I knew I could not run out and get a job if he could not work..The therapist told me I had not grieved the loss of my son. I had no idea.. I did not even think I needed therapy for that ! I got a book from the library on how to grieve.. It told me a lot.. It told me about shouting my grief.. <hmmmmmm This is such a good topic for birthmoms.. I hope it keeps going.. Can anyone share on how they worked on their grief???? Jackie

In response to Jackie's question about how others dealt with their grief, I did have counseling on both ends of my sons adoption, before and even now. What I've learned about the grieving process is that it's important to allow yourself to feel however you feel. If you feel mad, let yourself feel mad. If you feel depressed, let yourself feel depressed. But the key is to feel the feeling and then move on. You don't allow yourself to wallow in your anger or sadness. You let yourself realize that life has to move on, so you need to keep moving on in your life. That's basically what I've learned so far. I'm still learning my own way through the stages of grief. I don't know if I would have been able to get through adoption without counseling. I would definitely recommend it. Sometimes you just need someone to listen to you and care.

Other ways that helped me. I joined a Codependence Anonymous group in 1992. I've been involved in that group all this time. From other participants, I learned about dysfunctional families, how abuse, smothering, etc. etc. affects one life. I was prone to give up a child. Or programmed, I should say. I learned how to go back and look at the pain from my child, to grieve all of my losses, including that of giving up my child. I still have tears around him. But, I'm better. You can look the group up on the net.

IsaacsMom wrote..If you feel mad, let yourself feel mad. If you feel depressed, let yourself feel depressed. But the key is to feel the feeling and then move on. Powerful words.. Those words reminded me of Julia Cameron and what she wrote in The Artist Way.. She spoke of staying connected to the feelings. That was very hard for me.. I went to Boston (I live in Toronto) on the bus.. I got pregnant in Boston.. I journaled when I was there.. I sat in the park near where I lived and wrote the words of my sadness.. Veronica2 wrote..I learned how to go back and look at the pain from my child, to grieve all of my losses, including that of giving up my child. I used to go to Adult Children of Alcoholic meetings.. Alanon meetings as well.. I spoke at an Alanon meeting on my bsons birthday.. I told the room how sad I was.. After the meeting I told a friend that I had never grieved the loss of my son.. He said.. Well you are doing it now.. :) Jackie

Hello all, I am a new bmom. My son was just born last month. What has helped me the most has been chatting on line and phone with other bmoms. Jackie thank you for being one of the best!

Hello all, I am a new bmom. My son was just born last month. What has helped me the most has been chatting on line and phone with other bmoms. Jackie thank you for being one of the best! I used to write poetry many years ago when I was in high school. Tonight I just wrote my first poem in years and it is a poem to my newborn son. I cried as I wrote it but when I was finished I read it and smiled. I will keep writing. I am now in the midst of writing one about my relationship with his aparents. I am so so angry at my family as they have not acknowledged my son's birth at all (except my step dad and older son). I will write my sibs and mom letters telling them how that makes me feel but I am sure I will never ever send them. I just think the writing them will help me. Helping others helps me. I have written on other sites in response to women who are considering adoption for their child. Shell

I was talking to a friend last night about my children. The ones I brought up. They stopped talking to for a long time. My daughter for three and a half years. We are not back on track yet, but we are trying. My son came back after seven years. I grieved a lot when they weren't speaking to me. The son I adopted hasn't contacted me in about six years now. I hope someday he will. I love you Chris, is all I can say, whenever I think of him. Keep grieving your loss birth mothers. Talk about it until the pain rises to the surface and dispels. Veronica

Shelley wrote..Tonight I just wrote my first poem in years and it is a poem to my newborn son. I cried as I wrote it but when I was finished I read it and smiled. I will keep writing. Darn thats healthy.. That therapist I had asked me to write a letter to my son.. I had not expressed my feelings towards him ever.. I had not gone there.. I know that started my healing.. :) I love using onion skin paper.. I love a good pen.. and I love stream of thought writing.. One word after another for three pages.. The third page is the best.. Any time Shelley.. I like you.. Jackie

Veronica2 wrote..The son I adopted hasn't contacted me in about six years now. I hope someday he will. That must be difficult.. None of this is easy.. Is it.. Jackie

No, Jackie, none of this is easy. I am dealing with some women who have been inprisioned and have had their children taken from them and placed for adoption. It is difficult for me to hear that as I believe that the repercussions from that will revirbrate down through the years. 1. A mother forced to give up her child because she broke the law. Doesn't mean she didn't love her children. Maybe she just didn't love herself. 2. A Child who grows up to believe her mother doesn't love her. 3. A family who brings up a child that was taken from her mother, not given. 4. A child who finds her mother years later and is confused and hurt as the mother is confused and hurt. 5. A parents who agrees with the courts decision to take a child. On and on the pain goes and who cares. Certainly not the agencies, who took the child away. No the A parents. Just us who know what it is to lose a child. My statement. A woman who can't have a child had a hole in her heart. In order to fill that hole, another mother must of her own accord create a hole in her own heart in order to fill the hole of another. What a woman. God must love those women most.