Funny, you don't look Jewish

My temple (which has only about 70 families) has so many families formed through adoption that we actually met to discuss challenges etc. I recall one woman who had adopted twice from China saying that her eldest daughter (who is very shy) felt the differences strongly -- first by being Chinese in a non-Chinese home, second by being Chinese in a rural state and finally by being Jewish is a rural state. They're younger daughter who is much more outgoing doesn't feel any of these struggles. BTW, at our Purim party the girls came dressed like Chinese Princesses to be Queen Esther -- combining their culture and religion. These days with so much intermarriage, it's common to find Jews with Italian, Irish and other last "unJewish" names (heck someone at my temple is named Christopher!). The irony is that my daughter, who has my Irish Catholic husband's last name has a surname that sounds way more Jewish than mine, thanks to his one German grandfather! How any child handles being "different" really is a function of temperment. Now that my daughter is home, I suspect she will embrace Judiaism--she loves Shabbat dinner already!

We are lucky that St. Louis and the outlying area has a lot of multi-cultural families so it is not unusual to see a family with two caucasian parents and an Asian child. Usually when people ask my daughter about looking different from us, a simple response that she was born in China is sufficient. I also tell her that if someone questions her in a way that makes her feel uncomfortable, she has every right to say she would prefer not to discuss it. You will know what is going too far when you encounter it. We only had one incident where I felt someone was going to far in questioning. I was at the neighborhood swimming pool when a 10 year old girl was there with her family, who were Asian. She kept prying and asking my daughter questions. At the time, Julie was six years old. After awhile, I realized that I had enough. I told the girl quietly that I had already explained to her that we look different because Julie was born in China and adopted by us. I told her it was time to stop the questions and go on back to her family. My daughter also dressed in a Chinese dress for a Purim carnival two years ago. We had been to our local Families With Children From China's Chinese New Year party the day before, and had gotten the dress then. She wore that to the Purim celebration. Our congregation has over 1000 families and a number of multi-ethnic families like ours. Don't worry about the ethnic differences, etc. It all works out. Also keep in mind that children pick up new stuff very easily, and if your child is young, learning about being Jewish should not be a problem. There is a conversion procedure for converting the child to Judaism. Some synagogues require going to the Mikvah (ritual bath) and some don't. The rabbi who married and buried everyone in our family required us to do this. His reasoning was if our daughter wanted to marry someone who is conservative or orthodox, there would be no question as to whether she is officially Jewish. Good luck in your adoption pursuit. If you consider China, would recommend it. They go out of their way to make things move along smoothly. If I had been able to adopt again, would have gone back there. As it is, I am too old for a second one and work full time, so one keeps my hands full.

Thanks to all who wrote with advice. There's so much to think about, it can get a little overwhelming. One might argue that the safest route is for us to do nothing at all.... if we don't adopt, we won't have an adopted child who will be faced with all these identity issues. But it would be a shame to not adopt a child who will be so very loved on the chance that there might be some difficulty. I suppose one of the things that frightens me is that I read posts on many sites from adoptees who do feel slighted or have self-esteem issues that seem insurmountable even with the love their adopted families, and I have to keep reminding myself that those who post will be a self-selecting group. Those who are not trying to work out these issues will not be spending a lot of time writing about their lack of problems on websites. No one writes to say, 'hi, here I am, and I'm very well adjusted....' Once again, thanks for the support and ideas (I love the Chinese princess dresses for Purim. That's a great one!)

This is a really, really interesting subject.. I live in Israel. And anyone who ever travelled here will be hard-pressed to say who looks like a Jew.. You have such a hodge-podge of different ethnic groups, all Jewish.. Yemenites, Ethiopians, Russians, Indians, Sfaradim, Ashkenazim.. Different skin colors, different facial features, but all Jewish. So, who looks Jewish anymore?? Shana Tova u'Metuka to all of you!!!

I also live in a rural area, and I am converting to Judaism partly because it is so strongly white and Christian here. That was intentionally an overstatement. My father was a Holocast survivor, my mom is Irish. We were brought up without religion, but with a strong Jewish cultural identity. When I lived in a diverse multi-ethnic area (till 6 months ago), I felt less need to identify myself as Jewish. Now I want very much for my kids and me to strengthen that connection, to give them the gift of a several thousand year honorable history. I am in the process of adoption homestudy, for special needs, and I am completely open to transracial adoption. I think with us all being converts, new kids in the family would feel included. If they are older and come with a strong religion I would support that, but I look forward to sharing Jewish religion, culture and history with my kids.

I noticed that all synagogues in my area are changing for the better. At my mother-in-law's synagogue there were all different races in the congregation. It really warmed my heart.

I think the Jewish community is becoming more multi-ethnic. My Chinese daughter is 11 1/2 now and in her third year of Hebrew (no more shlepping her there after this year, yes!), and her Bat Mitzvah will be in June of 2007. I would strongly encourage carrying on the Jewish traditions and provide a Jewish education (religious school) for your adopted child just like you would with a biological child. We had our daughter converted shortly after returning from China with her. Have you gotten your referral from Guatemala yet? Boy or girl?

lol I know how you feel! my (jewish) birth son is half Dominican and has a hispanic last name. Right now he's 4 so I guess he doesn't really know he's unusual, but I'm hoping he will grow up seeing his unique-ness as something positive!

I can say that my Chinese daughter said she has less people "looking at us" at our synagogue than anywhere else. Also, our temple has a number of other adopted kids of different ethnic backgrounds, African-American, South American, Indian, and of course Chinese. They encourage that diversity.

Looking at this question from the adoptees perspective: If you wont convert me the message I get is that I am not good enough to be converted. Not good enough to be a complete member of the adoptive family. When you adopt a human being you adopt every domain of that persons being and share yours with it. At the same time one can never forget that there will always be another mother in that childs heart and mind. Just as the adopted child must find a balance in this so must the adoptive family. Balance comes from insight and honest sharing without fear.

I used to belong to a Conservative temple when I lived in the US. I also got the occasional "You don't look Jewish" line (I'm a fair skinned red-head) It used to really royally peeve me. I've never heard this here in Israel. There are so many different types and skin-tones, it's amazing, ranging from the fairest Eastern Europeans to the darkest Ethiopians, with much, much in between. The diversity is incredible. My 4 year old son is fair skinned with blue eyes, my 10 months old son is darker skinned (Ethiopian birth mother, miscellaneous Israeli father). They are both very beautiful boys and I love seeing them together. Both are jewish by birth, from both sides. If someone gives you that "You don't look Jewish" line, tell them to go to Israel and decide there who looks Jewish and who doesn't. Our people have been so diversified by life in the Diaspora, there is no real Jewish type anymore.

I unfortunatly have another perspective on the conversions issue. I am not adopted, but my mom converted to Judiasm before i was born. She did the whole body of water thing (the reform conversion). I later went to a Jewish school for 5 years (in HOng Kong). The school was run by the orthodox synagouge in HK, and the Rabbis for the most part there were very rude to me because they didnt consider me 'Jewish'. They even created a 'Bat Mitzva club', which all of the girls in my grade, the grade above and below me were invited to join, except for me. :mad: This was very hurtful to me because i didnt see myself as any less jewish then any of the other kid, infact, we were more religious then half of them (my dad is israeli). :grr: Well, so i guess i went off topic a little, but jsut a warning, some orthodox synagoges can be VERY unwelcoming to people who they dont consider Jewish. However, this is may just be the case for synagoges outside of the US .

In reply to the post regarding intolerance for non-Orthodox people in orthodox synagogues outside the US. We belong to a reform congregation, and the conversion was acceptable. We had this done the orthodox way in the Mikvah. I do know that one of the parents of two boys in our reform congregation who are adopted from Paraguay commented that at the conservative Jewish day school, her boys would get comments and questions as to whether they were black, etc. She pulled them out of this school and put them in the public school system. Also said they did not encounter this attitude in our reform congregation.

I think it really depends on the community. Just like there are some 'bad classes' in any school - public, private or parochial - so too there are some less tolerant communities or synagogues. We are orthodox, and belong to an orthodox synagogue. Our daughter is black, and adopted. And goes to a Jewish day school. We have had nothing but an overall positive experience. All I'm trying to say, is that I'd be hesitant to think that what some people's clearly unfortunate experience was in some orthodox circles, it is certainly not the norm.

I think you are right, that it depends on the individual school or congregation. We have attended Bar Mitzvahs at a very conservative shul here that has a pretty good number of adopted children from different ethnic backgrounds and the families are comfortable with that shul. All I can say is that if a school or congregation is not comfortable for you, open to differences, etc., then you can search and find one that is. When we joined our reform congregation I told my daughter I did not know if there would be other kids there who look like her. Turns out that this congregation probably has more ethnic variety than most. My daughter used to say that we got fewer stares there than anywhere else.