Advertisements
I am posting questions like crazy so that I can get more understanding of how to handle the next step properly.
I reunited with my daughter 3 days ago. I was with her for 4 days and she is coming to visit me on Saturday and will be with me in my home through Wednesday. She is 21 years old.
The question is: When we were talking on the phone after I arrived home she said she had so many emotions that were different. I asked her to explain. She said "My entire life my only feelings and goals were to find you and I never thought that would come true and now I find myself feeling like where do I go from here. What do I focus on, the one goal and main emotion is gone and I am confused."
She has also seemed very quiet on the phone when we talk, she seems possibly sad.
If other adoptees can share their after feelings and emotions to help me understand I would greatly appreciate it.
Thanks
Belinda
Like
Share
Congratulations on being reunited with your bdaughter!!
It is always such a thrill to hear about a happy reunion!
I have been in reunion for over two years now. Very sadly, my bmom passed away before I found her. My reunion is with my bsiblings. But I do have some thoughts.
Your daughter is very young. I am much, much older and my emotions overwhelmed me. There were feelings surfacing that I did not even know had been hiding deep inside of myself.
And sometimes I just needed to "shut down" for a while and process all that had happend in a short period of time.
Taking it slowly helped too and getting to know one another over time.
All you can be is honest with your bdaughter. Maybe just letting her know how you feel and giving her enough "room" to work through her emotions will help. In the end, I believe that doing what your heart tells you is the right thing to do.
Lots of hugs and prayers.
Snuffie
Advertisements
Don't let her slip away because of her emotions what she is going through can be alot of ups and downs.Imagine wanting somthing your whole life so badthat i has consued your life and now you have found it and thatpart that occupied your mind and time for so long is gone and now you have to figure out what the next step will be.Please let her know that you understand her feelings and emotions and maybe let her know how you are feelingmaybe between the two of you there will be a common emotion that you are both feeling. aud61
From a reunited bmom to another I totally understand what you are going through!!! You, however, are getting a liitle farther than I!!!! My bdaughter is only 19 and has had a little bit of a hard time adjusting to our reunion!!! It will be AWHILE before we meet I have a feeling!!! She is just going really slow, but this is okay.....She is entitled!!! I do believe that they go through MANY emotions just as we do, and we just have to be really patient and get them to talk about their feelings.....which is EXACTLY what you are doing. Don't be surprised if she pulls back a little....this is perfectly normal. Give her the space she needs, but don't let her go completly!!! I continue to write by bdaughter short e-mails to let her know I am thinking of her. Usually about ever 10 days to 2 weeks anyway!!! It sounds like you two are on the right track....just hang in there and take your time!!! Good Luck!!!!!
:D S Pete
Belinda,
Congtratulations on your reunion!!!
I can only offer you my insight from my experience - I am only months into a reunion with my b-father and I know exactly what your daughter is going through - I serched for my b-father for many years.
All I can say is that it is perfectly normal for your daughter to have these feelings...she will be going through all the emotions imaginable, and from one minute to the next.
Your daughter will not be able to control theses emotions or be able to justify them and they will be just as confusing to her. Saying that, all people are different, and respond differently.
Just give her time - read some articles on reunion, 'Reunion Socialisation' is a good one, and keep talking.
I wish you all the luck and hope you both enjoy this very special journey.
Ellie
REUNION IS A HIGHLY EMOTIONAL EXPERIENCE
Congratulations to you all in finding your adult child. I know the joy and fear that you are experiencing. Almost 18 years ago I went through it myself, and it was a solitary struggle at first, since we didn't have the kind of support you now have with Forums and Sites like this one.
Sharing your feelings with others...those who are on the same journey to recovery as you ... is very helpful. But support isn't enough. YOu need to be fully prepared for what lies ahead on your road through reunion, and that takes a lot more than "Congratulations on your Reunion!" or "Good Luck!."
Your birthchildren are young, and your separation not near as long as the 32 years I waited for my daughter to find the clues I left for her.
Young adoptees present a special problem in that they are generally just beginning to discover what life is really all about. They are either in college or working and dating. They are almost totally wrapped up in their own lives and have little time for the time-gobbling, emotional rollercoaster that Reunion tends to be..
Because of that you need to work hard on developing patience and understanding.
We birthmothers are generally centered on our own feelings and past pain when we reunite, and don't stop to think of the emotional issues our "child" must struggle with.
I've spent a lot of time in communication with adoptees and birthparents embarking on reunion, and over the years I've come to the conclusion that PREPARATION is very important before you begin the process.
There are many, many books and articles available today that offer support and guidelines to make the process a little easier for you.
Among those I recommend, aside from the actual stories written about a particular reunion, are aids like the following:
THE ADOPTION REUNION SURVIVAL GUIDE is one of the best handbooks I"ve seen. I wish it had been available to me back in the 1970s when I began opening doors to my identities, and in the late 1980s when my reunion with my daughter took place. The book offers examples, advice, guidelines, suggestions and warnings that can help you avoid problems, or at least make them easier to understand and solve. Get a copy...
The Adoption Reunion Survival Guide, by Bailey & Giddens, $13.95 at most chain bookstores. On line you can order from Adoption Site bookshops and Amazon, but must pay shipping & handling.
Some fast (free) advice can be found right here:
Top Ten Ways to a Successful Reunion --
[url]http://www.adopting.org/ReunionAdvice.html[/url]<br>
Reunion Socialization--
[url]http://www.adopting.org/ReunionSocialization.html[/url]<br>
There are many others that can be found on this site at
[url]http://www.adoptionlibrary.com[/url]
and in the archives of ADOPTION WEEK e-magazine:
[url]http://www.adoptionweek.com/showarticles.php[/url]
Start your own preparation program right now, and be ready for the issues that are bound to pop up during the coming months and years of reunion.
Hugs, Carol Bird
__________________
Seventeen years in reunion with daughter who was born Feb. 1954)
mcbird@bellsouth.net
For articles on Carol's Reunion see the HOMEPAGE index (address below).
VISIT MY HOMEPAGE: CLICK [url]http://.home.bellsouth.net/pe...ntPlace[/url]
"Keep love in your heart and keep reaching for the moon;even if you miss, you'll still be among the stars."
Report this post to a moderator | IP: Logged
New Post Today 10:24 AM
Carol Bird is online now Click Here to See the Profile for Carol Bird Click here to Send Carol Bird a Private Message Find more posts by Carol Bird Add Carol Bird to your buddy list Edit/Delete Message Reply w/Quote
Advertisements
Hi, I am an adoptee recently in reunion with my birthmother too. I am older than your daughter 36 and didn't think I would search for my birthmother until last year. So I am probably coming from this from a different place then she is. I tried to guard myself emotionally from my new "family" when I met them because I was afraid of getting too attached. I thought I could just play it cool. I mean, really, who was I kidding??? I had a great childhood with loving aparents, never really wanted for anything. I was a strong independent woman with my own family, it was just the facts I wanted. Was I in for an awakening. Even my husband was amazed at how quickly and easily I just handed over my heart to my new "family" Yup, that's right, before I knew it I was totally smitten with all of them. Then came the roller coaster of emotions. We all decided from the begining to be totally honest about our feelings, so I was shocked at how I could feel on top of the world one minute and so sad the next. Your daughter just needs time to sort it all out. If this was her mission for years, I'm sure she's very confused.....after all, I tried playing it cool, and I have turned into a big ball of confusion:D . I can only suggest that you keep on talking. She will find her way! Good luck
Originally posted by karen1
Hi, I am an adoptee recently in reunion with my birthmother too. I am older than your daughter 36 and didn't think I would search for my birthmother until last year. So I am probably coming from this from a different place then she is. I tried to guard myself emotionally from my new "family" when I met them because I was afraid of getting too attached. I thought I could just play it cool. I mean, really, who was I kidding??? I had a great childhood with loving aparents, never really wanted for anything. I was a strong independent woman with my own family, it was just the facts I wanted. Was I in for an awakening. Even my husband was amazed at how quickly and easily I just handed over my heart to my new "family" Yup, that's right, before I knew it I was totally smitten with all of them. Then came the roller coaster of emotions. We all decided from the begining to be totally honest about our feelings, so I was shocked at how I could feel on top of the world one minute and so sad the next. Your daughter just needs time to sort it all out. If this was her mission for years, I'm sure she's very confused.....after all, I tried playing it cool, and I have turned into a big ball of confusion:D . I can only suggest that you keep on talking. She will find her way! Good luck
I am also a reunited adoptee - they say life begins at 40 - well it certainly did for me. We reunited the week I turned 40.
The search took seven years and during the "waiting" period I had time to work through (or so I thought!) my feelings, emotions and reactions as I imagined all the scenarios that played in my head. Emotionally its been a rollercoaster ride and I am a mature woman.
If I had reunited at 21 the reunion would have been very different the experience I have had now. 21 is still so young and your daughter is possibly finding it quite overwhelming.
What expectations does your daughter have? Does she even know at this stage?
Reunion is highly charged - from what I am going through now I do believe it may take a few years to work through all those unexpected emotions and just find a place where we all very secure and comfortable. Hold your hands out in love and you will find that place.
Hope you both had a lovely day together on Wednesday.
Every happiness to you both.
I am a 33 year old recently reunited adoptee.My main goal for searching was to thank my birth mother for giving me life, and to see someone who looks like me. Where it would go from there I wasn't certain. My reunion was with 3 siblings (1 full blood, the other 2 are each half). They have known about me for most of their life and have told me how they would lay awake at night and envision that someday they would find they're sister. I grew up as an only child, and as wonderful as it is to be welcomed with open arms, I am completely taken aback. As much as I dreamed of this day all my life, you are never truly prepared for what emotions go through you. I can't even explain them and I truly wish I could. They have their memories of me while they were growing up, even if those memories are just of talking about me. All of my memories are of at least birth parents, and from there I wasn't sure who I would find with them. Mainly I feel as if these 2 lives have meshed together, and I'm just trying to get back to the life I've known for so long. It's what I am used to and am comfortable with. Please tell your birth daughter that she is not alone in those feelings. Hopefully we can all learn to take this one day at a time, and not to mention...slow. Good luck with everything and God bless you for giving her life. I praise birth mothers for making that difficult decision that I couldn't begin to fathom what emotions that took.
Advertisements
Wow, what a way to start the new year! Congratulations on your reunion. As a b-mom in my 2nd year of reunion I wanted to let you know what the others have; its an emotional roller coater ride with all the ups and downs you can imagine. Its kinda like a safari for us, we never know what we'll find from one day to the next, we only know that from here on we'll find it together. My daughter is a "mini-me" and her excitement at being in the company of someone who favored her was her focal point for a while. She has a hard time talking about her life and often shuts down on me and recently I've learned to let her; even when I'd love to have a complete inventory of her past.
As with my kept children I am slowly picking up on her *vibes* and I try to accept what I see and let her move at her own pace. The hard part for me is discovering that she didn't have the great life I wanted for her and she has major baggage; I've learned from this group that I didn't pack her bags and I don't accept the blame for her issues.
I don't want to be a downer; I just want to let you know that this forum will be very helpful to you in the days to come and I hope you use it. Good Luck and thanks for sharing your Blessed Event! Missy M
Your daughter is very young. I was 39 when I was reunited with my birthmother after a 20 year search. But some of the emotions are probably the same.
I totally identify with what she said about the search itself being the focus. I don't know how to word this so it doesn't come out "wrong" but in a way the reunion was almost anticlimatic (especially after 20 years!) I don't want that to sound as if it was a disappointment - not at all! It's just that we get so caught up in the search that it starts to take on a life of its own. We insulate ourselves against disappointment by bracing for the fact that we will never be successful. In doing that, we don't take the time to consider what the reunion will really mean in our lives. We are afraid to get our hopes up too far. Also, I think we tend to expect that it will just work out like "magic"...like a movie moment when you rush into each other's arms and everything is happy forever after.
I also identify with the need to back off and reassess. That is NOT necessarily a negative thing! There is just no way...NO WAY... you can deal with those emotions until they are there because you cannot project the intensity of the feelings in reunion until you are actually there. It's not like getting married or having a baby where you can prepare for it because it is a common human experience that you can share and learn from others. This is a unique, intense, overwhelming relationship that is - face it - an "abnormal" human experience that has very little precedent.
I'm glad she is open and honest enough to articulate those feelings to you rather than just withdraw without a word. Please understand that this is a normal and necessary part of the reunion process and not a rejection in any way. She is very young and you have many years to gradually form a relationship that works for both of you, so please be patient and give it time. Best wishes! Sonata
Belinda
I am responding to you before reading all the other responses so my head is still in my thoughts.
I just found my b-mom 7 days ago. We have emailed and phoned, but not yet met.
I am old... well.. kinda. almost 40. I have searched and given up and searched and given up and on and on.... and then this last time it took just 13 days and there she was.
I have SO many confusing emotions. I want to rush right to her. But I don't want to scare her away. I want to celebrate her courage for choosing my life over the alternative. I want to cry in her arms. I want to talk for hours. I want to be near her and quiet just feeling her presence. I want to tell the whole world and I want to keep her all for myself, a precious secret.
I was always told the right things by my a-parents. That she loved me enough to want the best for me and she didn't think she could give it. That is true. I had a good life with them.. still do... hope to continue to. But still, even with all the gifts they gave me, even with all the right words I FELT like I was unwanted, thrown away, not imporant, forgotten. I am terrified in a very real sense of being all those things now. I am so glad I found her and I couldn't have received a better reception... really. But now, in these early days it is very emotional.
I think it is the child inside crying... the child inside just raging forward wanting, wanting.... and the adult being afraid to ask... afraid of rejection. So... sometimes there is silence.
If I could offer anything it would be to encourage her to talk to you... to tell her and reassure her that you will never go away... and that you never did go away in your heart. The years of wondering won't go away overnight... but I am hoping I will feel secure in her love again one day and not question if she will stay.
I hope that helped..... just love her..... just love her.
You have gotten a lot of great advice here.
Alot of us adoptee are consumed with the search. We're not thinking about the relationships that will happen, just with finding you.
It's like being in a treasure hunt. We have all these clues and we're getting closer and closer and then we finally find the prize.
Now what? What do we do with it?
This is totally normal for her and a lot of times we'll need to back of for a while in the beginning. Just need some time to gather thoughts, and think about where we want to go from here.
There will be lots of feelings and thoughts that she won't understand herself, won't be able to explain, and that she'll just have to work through. Just let her know you support her, and that you'll be there when she needs you. Try to listen to her cues, if she needs more space. Or even just tell her that if she needs some time to think, to tell you.
Best of luck - it's a crazy ride!
Rae Ann
Advertisements
Belinda,
I am an adoptee who was in search mode for more than 14 years. I went through hundreds of scenarios and imaginngs about who and what I would find. I imagined she was a princess or a godess, wth all kinds of wonderful, exoctic, super human characterists. I also imagined that she could be in the worst of life's situations , perhaps even incapacitated, a criminal or deeased. She was in my imagination all my life. I just didn't know what to expect for sure.
When I found her..it was wonderful, and still is, but she was human, and a very real person, no longer whatever I imagined her to be. Reality is very different from fanatay. I remember saying at the time, to my birth sister, I feel wierd because I've been in search mode for so long, I wasn't competely prepard as to what happens now that I've found. I realize I was trying to explain that I needed space to absorb the reality of the situation.
I hope this helps a little becuse it was a very strange feeling for me to come face to face with birthmom after so many years of imagining who she was. As long as you keep communicating I think things will go well for you. Best wishes.
I reunited with my birthmother and bsister March 11, 2004. Literally DAYS ago. I found her pretty much on my own and called her. It has been a successful reunion so far. Although I now am looking for my birthfather. I can't even explain all the emotions I have been dealing with. Happiness, sad, stressed, excited, overwhelmed, nervous, scared, hopeful, curious, upset...you name it i've prolly been there. THe next morning after speaking with her I honestly thought I had dreamed it...I looked on my email because she emailed me after getting off of the phone...and checked to see if there was an email and that I just didn't dream it. I'm also in a place of shock i think. I just can't belive it happened an they have been accepting. They would liek to meet me but understand this has to be a slow process and will take time. Now that i sit and think back I'm wondering if I'm ready for this. I'm 22 going on 23, and this is BIG. Bigger than I ever imagined.......any helpful hints on how to cope please let me know... PM me or email me too!
God Bless!
lindsey