Never Looked For Birth Parents

Benedicta. Just some statistical info that may be of interest to you & to adoptees. According to research published last year in the UK, over 90% of adoptive parents were NOT as upset about their son/daughter searching for & reuniting with their bmom as the adoptees thought they would be. This doesn't mean that the aparents don't love their children. On the contrary, they DID love them enough to know that this was important to them. If you truly love someone, then you want them to be happy & fulfilled. If search & reunion does that, then who would want to stand in the person's way?

Why would you have this 'right'? I hear this alot, many of those talk show hosts promote this kind of thinking. It seems to me that once a person (especally the B-mom) has choosen to deal with pregancy, and childbirth then it is the child who is at least indebted to them to respect their rights..... Does this make sense?

I would go by for a quick look, just to see what she looked like. Would I go in crying "MOM", not a chance. It would be too scary to open up a pandora's box. Though from a letter she sent to me months ago, she is fine with her decision to give me up. her guilt was from getting prenant in the first place, so she is happy and and i am happy, what more could one want?

I attempted to get medical information from a "search company". I was born and adopted in two different states that respect the privacy of the birth parents. Said company took money and never returned phone calls. They eventually went bankrupt. However, not before telling me my birthdate might not even be accurate. Upon returning to the state I was born in, a PI told me that no one should have taken money from me. All records are sealed in these states.

[font=Comic Sans MS]I agree with you. I think it's selfish and sad. I understand their are so many different situations why Bmothers decided to give up their baby for adoption. I have to believe in MOST situations it's out of LOVE. [/font] [font=Comic Sans MS]If my daughter choose not to have any relation with me and all she wanted is information/medical records etc,... she better go through my lawyer or the adoption agency. I'd rather not be contacted or have my family turned upside down. It would be my worst fear come true if my daughter didn't want any relation with me. Honestly, I'd rather hear from the adoption agency if she doesn't want any contact with me and end it at that point. I recently told my 11 year old daughter that it might be a possiblity that someday her big sister may not want to know us. What she said blew me away when she said "She's not greatful, you gave her life" well you could have had an abortion. WOW, I was stunned. I told her I would have never aborted her for any reason but we do have to respect her choice. I'm not saying it's not a Bmother's worst FEAR. [/font]

Not much to say...except how depressing and how enlightening all in the same instance. Hope you are able to recieve the information you desire without the "burden of debt" to your bmom. Being a bmom, I hope and pray that my daughter doesn't feel the same as those who desire no contact, but I know I have to be realistic and as prepared as possible for just that fact. Michelle

When my daughter and I found each other, I had to think, same as every mother who reliquinshed her child, "suppose it is only for medical information"?So, when I first talked to my daughter, I asked her just that. Was it for medical information, idle curiosity, a topic with her girlfriends. what?NOw, having said that, if she HAD said, it was only for medical information, I would have CHEERFULLY given her just that and asked only ONE question. Was she happy with her family. If the answer was yes, then my prayers were answered.Is she was alright, happy and still had parents that loved her and had a good life, THAT is the gift from God, that I prayed for FOR HER.So, if all you want is medical information, PLEASE , tell your natal mother that you are alright, happy with a good family.By the way, when I did give my daughter our medical background, NONE OF IT APPLIED. lol. In fact, the children had ADD/ADHD, and we don't know WHERE it came from.dmca

moongrl22 What about just letting your b mother know you are alive and OK? That is what i have done, and I have no regrets, I felt she deserved that much. But a relationship? No thanks. I have gratitude, but it only goes so far, being gratful does not mean I have to play by someone else's rules or timetable. I have a set of parents I do not need another. As for her feelings and pain, that is not my responsiblitly, I cannot heal her, nor would she want me to try. I look at it this way, I have not been at camp all these years, I have lived a life, grown up, started a family of my own, too much time has passed, but i do have respect for her and what she did for me so long ago. As a mother myself, I only felt it would be right to let her know how I was doing, and that I have no hard feelings on my end, she deserved that.

Moongrl22

If my daughter choose not to have any relation with me and all she wanted is information/medical records etc,... she better go through my lawyer or the adoption agency. I'd rather not be contacted or have my family turned upside down. It would be my worst fear come true if my daughter didn't want any relation with me. Honestly, I'd rather hear from the adoption agency if she doesn't want any contact with me and end it at that point. I recently told my 11 year old daughter that it might be a possiblity that someday her big sister may not want to know us. What she said blew me away when she said "She's not greatful, you gave her life" well you could have had an abortion. WOW, I was stunned. I told her I would have never aborted her for any reason but we do have to respect her choice. I'm not saying it's not a Bmother's worst FEAR.

But we can not control any of this.. How your birthdaughter perceives her world and or adoption and or relinquishment has nothing to do with you.. or your feelings.. or hopes and dreams.. We can not change who our kids are.. How they live in this world.. We just accept IMO. I went through a lot of pain in my early days of reunion with my bson.. I wanted him to do things he was not willing to do.. I had my dreams and I had my fantasies.. and he did not fulfill them.. I needed to learn to accept him.. and let him go.. Today I am okay.. Today I am good.. with all of it.. He and I were separated a long time ago.. His path led away from me.. I think it takes a lot of work and love and patience to re-connect.. And trust.. I can remember an adoptee writing that she met another male adoptee who had had a real hard time with his amom in a long term care facility.. Apparently his amom was emotionally draining in her old age.. He said he did not want to take on another momђ.. I just went through some emotionally draining time of my own with my father.. and boy oh boy do I understand this man.. And a person can say.. Well I would be no trouble.Ӕ.. But how does the adoptee know this? Its such a big big emotional commitment.. Jackie

I understand where you are coming from but I don't necessarily agree. While I feel that the majority of bmoms are acting with the best interests of their children in mind, their children did not ask to be born in the first place. Respect is a two way street. I believe that each person will deal with situations the best way that they are able. We may not agree, but we should try to respect decisions that are made. Easier said than done I know. But we should at least try.

Hi, I'm trying to find my birth mom for several reasons. I do want to know much more than just her and her family's health history, but being age 45 and having nearly lost my life to a stroke that could have been avoided had I had the information I needed and requested 15 years ago, I have to admit that I really want to get a really good health history as well as other things. I also want to know what I can tell my children to be aware of so that they don't have to go through what I've been through physically if they don't have to. Mama, if you read this, please look for me, too. I love you and appreciate what you did for me. I know from the information I was given by LDS Social Services that you loved me and would have kept me had it been realistic. I was born June 11, 1961 at LDS Hospital. You were a patient of Dr. Stobbe at the time. You sent a My Pal Joey clown doll and a yellow knit sweater set with me and then bought a doll and dyed her hair black like mine and dressed her in a yellow knit sweater set. I will always be grateful for the fact that you gave me a chance to live and experience life, as well as for the fact that you did what you felt was best by giving me up. You should have no regrets in this regard, but I really would like to meet you and give you a big hug and a heartfelt thank you for what you did for me. I love you with all my heart and always will.

The reality is that there is NO obligation on either side for anything. Some Natal Mothers would welcome a closed adoption, especially people from my era and earlier. Some adoptees never feel the need to find their Natal Parents.I don't think we should demonize Natal Mothers for not searching for their relinquished children. I understand why, living in that generation and society. Adoptees from that era may not want any contact with their Natal Parents either. Demonization is not necessary for either party.As I pointed out there is NO obiligation on either side.Anything that does happen ( contact) is pure kindness on both parts.dmca

I'm 56 years old and until this morning I never had any desire to search for my birth family. Why today? I was having a dialogue with someone who is anti-abortion (I am pro-choice) and our discussion touched on the idea of post adoption trauma for the mother. I suddenly realized that perhaps I'd been selfish in not wanting to contact my biological mother, at least, to tell her that I have done well, and that she made a wonderful choice for me. I was fortunate enough to have had the two most wonderful parents -- who I consider my "real" parents -- in the world. I never wanted more. To anyone who suggested that I really should want to know my biological family I would always say "Ask Pandora about opening boxes." But since the deaths of my parents I've had the reality of loss with me for the first time in my life, and I would love just to be able to say to my birth parents "You did the right thing and I love you for it." That's all. Nothing more. No moving in and setting up house with you, no phone calls or awkward silences. Just a reassurance.

MJCLEMENTS, I AM SO HUMBLED TO HEAR FROM SO MANY POSTS, BUT YOURS WAS ESPECIALLY TOUCHING. I am a firstmom whom is searching to find my twin sons, born 1986. Not to interrupt their lives, but to know if they are well, together, safe and happy. I do not feel a need to bulldoze my way into their world. I just want to know that for all the pain I have endured...it was the best thing I could have ever done. I do feel though, that EACH person has the fundemental right to know of their heritage, that also includes medical background. If my twins are ever found, I will not cross any bounderies with false ideas that I am Mom hear me roar! I am hopeful they had/have GREAT parents whom have filled their life with integrity, morals and appreciation for what life has to offer. I just have a need to know they are well...thats all! It has always been about them...so whatever is in their hearts and desires...is what I will respect....:coffee:

I registered a few years ago just in case. The idea then terrified me of being found or searching. A gal looking for her bsister contacted me as we have the same birthdate and birth city. We were not a match but I obtained my non-id. Sat on that for 5 years and not until last spring, at age 38 was I ready to look. For more than just medical reasons. I want to know more and meet her. If she was in the next room, I would absolutely walk in.