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Hello Everyone,
***Just want to apologize in advance for this very, very long post... But felt I had to tell the story to fully explain why I have the FEARS that I do..*** SORRY!!!!
My husband & I are adoptive parents of a 5 year old daughter that we brought home at 10 days old. She is our only child & she is our life.!!!
Like a lot of adoptive parents we went thru many years of infertility treatments, drugs and I had seven surgeries & a miscarraige & was finally forced to have an emergency hysterectomy.
After a 2 year wait on a waiting list list we finally had our angel. We had only had her for a few days when the bfather contested the adoption. The bmom & the bfather had signed the adoption consent papers & we waited out the 10 day waiting period before bringing our daughter home just in case one of them changed their minds.
But the bfather still contested the adoption saying he was pressured into signing the papers by our adoption agency, which of course was not true. We then found out that he still lived at home with his mother who was the one that really was contesting the adoption thru him because there are NO grandparent rights in adoption cases. We also found out a lot of disturbing things about the bfather & his mother...long history of mental illness and abuse among other things.
So we had to go hire a lawyer and prepare for the battle of our lives. For 6 months we did not know if we would get to keep our angel or not. Then on court day the bfather did not even show up & sent a statement thru his lawyer saying that he had lied and in fact had signed the consent paper of his own accord, but was being pressured by his mother to lie about the whole thing.
We were relieved but at the same time very angry that he had cost us 11,000.00 in lawyer fees plus the fact that those 6 months were almost unbearable for us not knowing what was going to happen. I really thought I would not make it thru that time.
The bmom was totally against the bfather & his mother during the whole contesting process. She was the one that finally convinced the bfather to tell the truth & do the right thing.
The bmom requested a closed adoption only asking for one picture of her baby. We were more than happy to send her a picture and letter thanking her for all that she had done for us.
Over the years we have never heard a word from her. But today I got a call from the agency saying that she had written us a letter & was requesting recent pics of our daughter.
Our daughter has been brought up knowing she was adopted because we feel she has the right to know where she came from as we all do. She asks questions all the time about her bmom and her adoption & we answer them as truthfully as possible for her to understand at her current age. She is very proud of her adoption stories & loves to hear us tell her the stories over & over. We have story books about adoption that she loves to have read to her & even takes them to school to be read to her class by the teacher so that her classmates can know how we became a family.
On one hand I am so very pleased that her bmom has requested pics of her & would love to share them and info about my daughter to her. I want my daughter to know that her bmom loves her & thinks about her.
But on the other hand I am so scared that it may lead to trouble. I guess I am just paranoid that the bmom may try to see her or even steal her. * I know that this must seem so unrealistic, but I can't help but have these feelings. I am so Scared of going thru feelings like the ones I had during the contesting of the adoption by the bfather.
Our adoption is a "Same Town Adoption". Although these are not recommended & are somewhat unusual...the bmom was so intent on us being the family of her baby so the agency went ahead with the adoption. So you can see some of the reasons that I have real concerns about sending recent pics of our daughter to the bmom that lives in the same small town that we do.
Really I have been expecting to hear from the bmom sooner or later because I know that she must have had such a great love for her baby to go thru all that she did to make sure that she had the family & home that she thought best for her baby. And honestly I always hoped that we would hear from her.
I want soooo very much for our daughter to truly understand how much her bmom loved her & the reasons behind her choice of adoption. My husband & I will FULLY support her if she one day decides to contact her bmom or bparents. We do not in any way feel threatened by this & understand the reasons why she will probably want this one day. We will support her in any decision she makes concerning her bparents. But we will not try & encourage her one way or the other...this has to be her choice to make one day. The way we look at it is...there is always room for more love. But we do feel that the choice has to be made when she is old enough to make it. Not now!!!
I would LOVE to hear advice from other adoptive parents on their opinions of whether or not I should send recent pics & a letter to the bmom. Am I just being too paranoid about this?? I do not want to have to tell my daughter one day that her bmom asked for pics of her & that we refused. I am afraid that she may hold that against us. And I think that it would be a comfort to my daughter one day also to know that her bmom asked for this & that she was thinking of her child.
Again I apologize for the long post. And would so very much appreciate your thoughts and advice.
Thanks for listening to a long winded adoptive mom.....
Thanks,
K. Milstead
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I dont have any answers for you here, but can understand where you are coming from.
Although we are not a same town adoption as such, our son's birthfather is not too far away. And although I'd love to send photographs (I've discussed this on another thread), I'm not too sure how and when to do so. For us, we probably will move away (nothing to do with the adoption, this was what we'd planned earlier anyway) and so I thought we'd send photographs after we'd moved.
From what you have written it seems that your bmom does indeed want the best for your daughter, and I would pray to be able make the right decision, and then probably send the pictures. In my mind, my sons birthfather has made the biggest sacrifice so that his son can be happy, and I think this is the least I can do. Although I am as scared as you are . But I have sent pictures and in my heart am committed to do so again - possibly bi-annually as someone suggested.
Good luck with your decision,
Karen
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I definatly understand your fears. I am a bmom. I guess anyone would have your fear considering all that has happened. It is a tuff decision. Even more so where it is a same town adoption. Those would probably be my fears as well. It might be best to simply write a letter through the agency explaining these fears to the bmom and why you feel this way. Let her know how your daughter is doing and the things you do to reassure her you are letting the child know how much she is loved and that 1 day in the near future you will support her in the decision to reunite. Don't send a picture. Granted she will be hurt and upset unfortunatly this is all part of the process. But IMO I believe just news that she is well school is well she is being told about being adopted and it was done with love may bring her some of the comfort she is seeking. Hope this helped you in some way good luck
Although our situation is very different from yours, I think I understand your fears. If I were in your position, I think would send a picture or two along with a letter telling her how well your daughter is doing, how happy she is, what kinds of things she enjoys, that she is proud of her adoption story...the kinds of things you've told us here. Call me "Pollyanna," but she's waited almost 5 years to make any contact with you...didn't do it directly, but through an intermediary...and asked very respectfully for what she wants. It doesn't sound like she's trying to make any trouble and it does seem that she is very aware of the boundaries in your relationship, such as it is.
Hope this helps! Good luck!
i am a foster/adoptive parent in an open adoption arrangement. i really understand your fears as my son's bmom did not initially make an adoption plan for him (the state stepped in on our son's behalf). i too had fears that she would attempt to change her mind as she did eventually reliquish rights voluntarily. but i took a leap of faith because everything i have read leads me to believe at least some level of openness is good for the child. although many of my friends don't agree with my decision i am very comfortable with it. i am not suggesting you make this a full open adoption, but opening the lines of communication might benefit your daughter as much as her bmom. if you don't have answers to some of the questions your daughter is asking, maybe you could ask them in your letter to the bmom. i think you might be surprised at how wonderful at least some level of openness is for everyone. if you live in the same town, do you really think it would be that hard for bmom to locate you? but instead she choose the proper channels and why this is easy for me to say, it doesn't sound as if she wants to regain custody, just wants to see how your daughteris growing. good luck, keep us posted.
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I am a first mother to my son in an open adoption, and I would like to help you ease your fears a bit. take your self back to the time through the 6 months of not knowing what was going to happen with your baby weather you would be able to keep her or not and can you imagine havin gher taken away from you and never knowing what happend to her or even see how she was thorugh out the years. hard it is hard.
now can you imagine caring this child inside of you for 9 months breathing her and living with her 24 hours a day. then having to phycily letting her go and never knowing what happend to her.
You doughter first mother was never the bad person it was the bdad. it sounds to me like she is on your side and I smile at knowing that she has mad the effort to try to have contact with her doughter. You might now know how truley hard it is to ask for this... excpetaly after 5 years of not seeing her. WOW.... this was a huge step for her. even though she wnet in to it saying she wanted thing to be closed it is aparent that she has sofened her heart and wants to be apart of your doughter life...
you will always be her mother but she also has another mother to who loves her just as much as you do.
put yourself in her shoes, have trust in her and faith that she is doing this out of love not out of fear...
she is not trying to steal her doughter please never feel this way most of us first parents do adoption for out children to have what we can't give them at the time and willingly not all but most.. so give her the benifat of the dought and send her a whole roll of pictures and maybe have your doughter draw a picture for her as well, and maybe a letter from asking hwta has mad her chnage her mind about corraspondince, but in a kind way so she does not feel rejected by you... then maybe yo will hear back from her and some of your fears will be calmed by what she says to you....
good luck I know it will all work out keep us updated on what happens!!!!!!!!
KZacharyC open adoption through LDSFS
If you're in the same small town I'm guessing that your birth mom has seen you or your hubby already at some point. If all those court records exist, she certainly has the means to find you. IMHO, if she had evil intents you would never have heard from her to begin with, much less through proper channels. The simple fact that she's changed her mind about wanting more pictures, hardly means she wants her daughter back and is lurking nearby for a chance to snatch her.
Nothing in your agreement required her go to bat for you in the TPR case with her ex-boyfriend. She just did it because it was the right thing to do for her daughter.
Paying lip service to being progressive about birth family connections is sure alot easier than actually taking a first step.
Trish
I would to thank you all for taking the time to give me your opinions and advice on my situation.
Your advice helped a lot. Like some of you said if the bmom was going to try & start trouble she would not go thru the agency and the proper channels. I had never thought of it that way. It was also helpful to hear from adoptive parent's and birthmother's opinions on my post.
We have never met the bmom of bfather..that is what they both requested. We do not have a lot of info on either of them.
I have decided to send the bmom a letter & pics. I also plan on letting our daughter send her a letter and drawing.
I am finding myself more at peace with this and I am actually looking forward to having this chance.
Thank all of you so much for your help. I will post in a few days and let you know how things went.
I lucked out when I came to this site and found a lot of special caring people.
Thank You All,
K. Milstead
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The more we've "connected" with our son's bmoms, the less fearI feel. I'm glad you're feeling encouraged to take a step her direction. I'm sure she understands your hesitancy given the probs with the bdad.
Interesting thing happened in our extended family. DH's Aunt has a son she adopted via foster care (he's now 8). The bmom has never seen him, or even requested pictures (long story). The bmom spotted his picture on another cousin's desk at work and said: "That's my son." So not sending a picture when you're in the same community can be a mute point! :)
Candy,
I agree with the others who suggested you send a letter and a couple of pictures.
It sounds like from your post that the birthmother stood by you through the mess with the birthfather and his mother. It doesn't sound like she has any ulterior motives she just wants a picture. And she is showing respect to you by going through the agency instead of contacting you directly out of the blue. I really don't see her as any threat.
Now if it was the birthfather I would give you different advice because of the trouble he has caused in the past.
Judy