First meeting after placement emotions

We are in a fully open integrated adoption with our son. I think it's a great idea to invite your child's bmom and give her some time before the party to spend together. There may be some emotion. Ryan's bmom got a little teary and gushed about how beautiful he is. After about 1/2 hour though we all felt very normal, she played with Ryan and we all went shopping. The first time he saw his bdad after placement was very normal. His bgrandma's first words were 'Yep, he's got [baunt]'s hair." She squealed and said "Yep, that's my hair. Lucky kid." Then we made cookies and he was, well, his cute self. Have you also thought about getting together with her before the 'big day' so you can spend time without feeling like you're rushing about, etc. and she's not apprehensive about being around a ton of people? Good luck, I think this will be a great day for all of you. Birthday parties are so much fun when they're 1. Ryan destroyed his cake, seemed more interested in smushing it than eating it. Regina, AMom to Ryan Joshua Thomas

Thanks for responding. I am hoping what you described is how this day will go. "Have you also thought about getting together with her before the 'big day' so you can spend time without feeling like you're rushing about, etc. and she's not apprehensive about being around a ton of people?" I asked her a few times if she was sure that she would be OK being around a large group and she just wanted to make sure she was not going to make anyone else feel uncomfortable and that she was fine with being around everyone. So I came up with the showing up early suggestion so that I would not push the issue, but would still give her time to feel comfortable before anyone shows up. BTW -- Did you get any strange responses from friends or family with the open arrangement? Since we did not start out as open, I find that trying to explain to others that we are having our daughter's bmom there is the most difficult part. They don't seem to understand why in the world we would want to do that. Again, thanks for the reply. I am looking forward to the day and really hope it works out like yours did!

Some of our family I think was uncomfortable with the idea at first, there was still an element I think of fear. My Mom even asked 'what if they want him back, could that happen?' and did not want us to leave Ryan alone with his bparents for fear they'd steal away in the night with him. Ryan's adoption was always planned as very open, so most of the uncertainty around that was resolved around the time of his birth (though not always easily). We do emphasize that what we do, we do for him, not for ourselves or for his bparents. They made the same commitment. We have a good family friend who was adopted in a 'closed' adoption, and had many issues around this as she grew up. She met her bfamily when she was in her 30's and was much more, well, at peace then. I reminded them of M's experience and stressed that we never wanted Ryan to get caught up in the 'whys' and the 'what if's' that she did. Ryan's bgrandad and his wife came to his 1st birthday party and integrated quite well. My mom, the terrified one, did a fabulous job making them feel welcome and part of the family, even insisting that all the grandparents take a picture with Ryan. I nearly cried, I was so moved because I understood how scared she was before. A GREAT book to give to your friends and family is "Adoption is a Family Affair: What Friends and Family Must Know" by Patricia Irwin Johnston. I'd review with them in advance who she is and give pointers on ways to talk with her. I suspect she'll love hearing how your child has grown in the past year, hear the funny and loving stories, meet them as people. If you have someone coming who's good at helping 'strangers' integrate or is the 'social butterfly', ask them to specifically go to her and help her feel included. Just some ideas. Regina, Amom to Ryan Joshua Thomas

Hi! I am new to this forum and am very interested in open adoption vs. closed adoption. I am 29 and an adoptee who grew up in a closed adoption. I searched for and found my bmother when I was 17. Growing up being adopted was my one defining feature; it was what made me me. And boy, was I a confused child and young adult. Still am at times. After 12 years of knowing my bmother and developing a rel'ship with her, I still look at her and think, wow, I lived in her body for 9 months. She is truly my mother. And I still look at my adoptive mother and don't feel the intimate connection I do with Angela. Adoption is just a very confusing thing for an adoptee to go through. And I will live with it forever. Open adoption, in principle, seems like a way to avoid all the questions the adoptee struggles with growing up. But is it better for the adoptee in the long run? I always wonder how I would have turned out if I had known who my bmother was from a very young age. It is just my opinion, but I am glad I didn't meet my bmother till I was old enough to handle it. Even then it was the strangest experience of my life. It seems to me that had I known that she gave birth to me, but wasn't raising me that would have made me even more confused. Kind of like, "how come you come visit, but you won't take me home with you?" And how did I come to live with these people? Have you given much thought as to when you will tell your child that the person she always thought was Ms. Sarah or Aunt Sarah is really your child's mother? I have 2 children of my own now - my son is 3 and daughter is 10 months and I don't think I will tell them who Ms. Angela is until their teenage years at the youngest! I mean it would just blow their minds to know that Mom-mom Hair done (my son came up with the name when he saw his grandmother at the beauty parlor) is not really their Mom-mom. I'm also wondering whose idea it was to keep the adoption open. Was it the bmother's? If I was ever to adopt children I would not want my child's bmother involved. I would not have a problem with sending pictures maybe every couple years, but for her to come visit and spend time and for my child to know who she is, well, it would be too confusing. What does that do to a child? I hope I haven't offended you. I am just curious how it all works and if anyone has really thought about how the child will look at the big picture. Another thing is that your job as the parent is to guide your child in the way YOU hope he or she should be raised. If there are 2 mothers essentially involved, won't that just make your job that much more difficult? And what about if the bmother wants to be more and more involved in activities or in parenting decisions? Or just always puts their two cents in so that you question the way you are parenting? Can you change your mind about the open adoption? Or is it like a contract that is written up?

I am a new Bmom, I gave my son up two months ago. The Afamily has been so great. They invited my family and I to his baptism and I met a lot of thier family. It was so wonderful. I think you are wonderful people. It helped me soo much to be able to go. I was so well recieved with thier family I can not put it into words. It is healing for me and I am sure other Bmoms feel the same way. It takes strong people to do the right thing. Your child will thank you some day. God Bless! I hope this helps and everything goes well!

I am new to this forum. I'm sorry if this isn't the right place to ask this but I don't know where to start. I hope someone can answer my question or tell me where to go to ask and get an authorized answer. I am 99% certain I have found my daughter. I found a profile posted by her on adoption.com. My question: Someone has told me that it is illegal for me to contact her first. I have her mailing address and her telephone number, even her husband's name and her place of empolyment. It is extremely difficult to resist writing or calling her. Can anybody advise me as to the legalities on this issue? Is it in fact illegal for me to contact her first? Is her profile not considered her permission for me to contact her? Again, sorry for the interruption. Thanks.