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Originally Posted By DebI recently placed my second son for adoption the adoptive mother and I became very close during my pregnancy. I fear that it may scare her if I were to suggest a more open arrangement. The reason I would like it to become more open is because my first son who is with me does not understand that if I know where his brother is why can't he go and see him. It tears me apart inside. The adoptive mother has always been concerned towards my son as well as her new son and wants the two of them to know each other some day. Should we just wait until the babyn is older to approach this subject. I want what is best for both of my sons.
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Originally Posted By dianehI am an amom in 2 fully open adoptions--the first started out semi-open and the second began as fully open. I can hear the pain in what you write as well as your deep concern for both your boys.If I were you, I would write the amom a letter telling her exactly what you have told us here on the bb. Be honest and forthright. I would let her know that you don't want to scare her and won't force the issue right now if she's not comfortable with it. Tell her you wanted to write first before bringing it up in person so that she could have some time to think about it. (I'm assuming that you do see her sometimes, even if it is on neutral gound with a social worker present?) Remind her that open adoptions are *child-centered* and someday it will be the child in her home asking these questions (or others) and needing something from you. I don't know how old your older boy is, but I would assume it would be better to begin establishing a bond between the two now instead of throwing them together down the road and expecting them to get along/be close. Our oldest daughter's bparents have a younger son they are parenting--a full "blood" sibling to our daughter.After the amom gets the letter, I would have a social worker or counselor (probably the one you use as a go-between for your semi-open arrangement) visit with her about her fears and thoughts. This person can act as a great intermediary for you, too, helping you understand her position if it's different from yours. Finally I would try to meet with the aparents, social worker and you face-to-fact without any kids present to discuss the issues at hand. Be willing to do some give and take. Be willing to be patient. Even if she's scared now, she may come around. The more you push and demand, though, the less apt she is to do so. My advice would be to go for it, gently.
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Originally Posted By AmberI just wrote a letter just like that to my 8 year old daughter's aparents! We exchange letters and pictures yearly and I met them a few months after my daughter was adopted by them. I was able to select them from different portfolios I was given and so far, they have kept their word about maintaining contact! I approached it pretty much as you suggested to do. I was hoping that was the best way to go about it! I am so glad to read an aparents perspective! It will definitley give me some hope while awaiting their reply! Thank you! I am also starting to work with the Catholic Charities Agency I placed with to start a Support Group (in the Chicago area) and would appreciate any suggestions or feedback from anyone. Especially if you are in this area and would attend! There are support groups through some different agencies, but only for a few short months after placement.