family acceptance

First let me say that I have not had to make the choice that you are making. Having said that, I can assure you that I would do the same. I saw an interview many years ago with Richard Dreyfus. He recounted the story of his child asking why his mother's parents (grandparents) did not come and visit and call him on the telephone like Richard's parents. Mr. Dreyfus recalled how he explained to his rather young child that (wife's) parents had been very upset when she married someone of another religion (Jewish) and had chosen not to see her anymore. He explained that such events happened before the child was born and was not because of him; he verbalized to his child that he was sorry that it hurt his feelings. It seemed to have occurred as a very honest and age appropriate discussion which presented the facts. I grew up in an amazingly healthy, loving, unconditional and communicative family; I naively thought that was every child's experience until I began high school and learned otherwise. One of the greatest lessons that I have ever learned was in college from my closest friend, who happened to be gay. His parents had never accepted him or his lifestyle. They were mean and critical and said such awful things including a condemnation to hell lest he repent and change. Prior to that friendship, I had often believed that blood was thick - that your family consisted of those who loved you and who raised you. Not so. . . family, to me, now, is the strong, consistent, supportive circle who are there for you, respect you and your decisions and love you without question (does not mean that they always agree.) I am just curious, if you do not mind. Is this a race issue, an adoption issue or a bonding issue? While many might encourage you to repair the relationship with your family, I would say to do so only if they are committed to treating your son just as they treat all of the other children. They should recognize him as their grandchild, spend time and dote on him. Anything less will become apparent to him. I firmly believe that a conditional relationship is far more detrimental than no relationship. I think many families encounter such experiences where one grandchild, biological or adopted, is favored over others; these same people probably did the same with their children. Of course this is natural if there is a geographical distance; the closer in physical proximity the more likely the relationship will be stronger. Maybe you can discuss instead of severing a relationship based on hurt feelings and assumptions. Ask how they feel and what role they want to play in your son's life. Maybe they will recognize the error of their ways; if they do not, bless them and be on your way. It is their loss. Best of luck in whatever you decide to do.

"I am just curious, if you do not mind. Is this a race issue, an adoption issue or a bonding issue? " i think it is all of those things combinded. who knows. i just got off the phone with my sister (who i love and loves my kids) and she is making things worse, she thinks by not seeing our family, i will make my son feel worse, who knows??? i just don't know what is the right thing anymore.

MCKenna, This is a tough situation! There is a good chance that we could get matched with an AA or bi-racial baby and I hope that our family will embrace him/her as part of the family. It is so hard when forced to choose between people that you love. But I guess we will have to if it come to that. If our family can't or won't accept our children as ours for whatever reason and treat them like the others then we won't have a choice. We do have a daughter from Romania and the family has embraced her, they love her, and always treat her like part of the family, but they still slip up at times and it is very painful to us. Like someone will ask my MIL how many grandchildren they have and she replys two (meaning Dh's brothers bio children). Another time she was talking to someone and said how glad she was that Dh's brother had two kids because it didn't look like they would get any grandchildren from the other two boys( meaning my dh and his older brother). These things cut through me like a knife. I get hurt and angry but never say anything to them. Now on the positive side I know my inlaws well and love them dearly. They are truly wonderful people and I couldn't have asked for better so I know they just aren't thinking when they talk. Because the way they treat our daughter is wonderful so there is nothing to indicate to me from their actions that they are saying these things on purpose to be hurtful. So I've decided that if it ever happens again I just need to bring it to their attention and let them know how it makes us feel. And I'm sure they will feel so bad and be sorry because they don't mean anything by it. They may not even realize that they are doing it. Now with the baby if he/she is AA I don't know how some of the family might take that, but they will KNOW that this is our child and if you don't accept him/her you don't accept us period! And if any of the problem with anyone is racial, well, I can't stomach that at all. I wish you the best in your decision and I'm hoping for the best in our family. Judy

I can't offer any advice, but I can tell you that you aren't alone. My daughter (not finalized yet) is bi-racial. She is accepted by the majority of the family but in some ways I feel this is only because her birth mother is caucasian. I only have major issues with one family member - my grandfather, who ironically is my mother's adopted father! He doesn't want anything to with my daughter and simply tolerates her presence when they are in the same house once a year. Sometimes I wonder if there are not only race issues there but also adoption issues with him. Anyway, after this adoption is finalized, we have decided to pursue an adoption of a Haitian child. I anticipate this is going to really show me who in the family is prejudiced and who is not. Haitian, AA, Jamaican, etc. - all bear in common that they simply are not white children and for some bizarre reason, that seems to threaten a lot of caucasian people, particularly those over the age of 50 (in my experience). We are doing a lot of research and planning to teach our daughter and our next child about their culture, etc. and this seems to rub people the wrong way also. I can't tell you how many times I've heard "Just raise them the way you would your biological children". I agree with that only to the extent that I will love them as I would biological children. The racial issues cannot be ignored, they MUST be dealt with. These children need to understand their background, their culture, etc. in order to find their place in society. At some point, they will look in the mirror and say "My skin isn't the same color as mommy's and that's why ___(fill in the blank with name) doesn't like me." Do not subject your son to prejudiced people within the family - he will find enough of the that outside your family within our society that fears anyone that differs from themselves. Also, children sense the unspoken prejudice, fear, etc. and the see the sideways glances, and sense the tension between you and the relative in question. Always remember, the most important relationship your son has is with YOU, not your mother or siblings or anyone else. If you have a healthy relationship with him, that is the only thing that really matters. Just one mother's opinion on a very touchy subject. Best of luck in whatever course of action you choose.

I believe strongly that relationships with those who continue a climate of negativity that potentially affect a child's (or adult's) self worth are poisonous and must be severed. I do not care what role those individuals have played in our lives. Funny, I do not believe that age or experience is any excuse for rampant racist views. My 86 year old grandmother who was born and raised in the segregated south loves and is so proud of my daughter; had she ever entertained the idea of saying something inappropriate she knows that she would hear it from me then never see me again. Harsh, maybe so. When we opted to adopt transracially we dedicated to protect our daugther (while we can) from ANYTHING that made her feel insecure or unsure about her identity. Most parents do this to protect their children; sometimes we just have some different issues to face. Kellis, fortunately your daughter (I assume) is young. Children quickly become aware of their circumstances, and I feel that often indifference is more harmful than outright disrespect. I agree entirely that you cannot just raise your racially different child like any Caucasian child; the world is not colorblind. They must have a sense of cultural pride and connection, whatever that may mean for them. They must know their history. My husband knows well what it is like to be a Thai, post Vietnam immigrant, non English speaking child in a homogenous community; it is alienating. Good luck on your journey. By the way, Jamaican adoption is next to impossible. There is only one agency in the US, and apparently they have a questionable record. It seems those who have adopted successfully have a next of kin relationship in Jamaica. McKenna: I hope that your mother has "seen the light" and contacted you.

sorry i had not updated this. the night before my son's adoption, my mom called and we had a huge fight and then we straightened things out. my parents did come to my son's adoption and baptism. there is an understanding that if my son is ever treated differently than other grandchildren, the relationship will be over. we seem to be slowly getting back to a better relationship and are spending the holidays together. thanks for all your support

wanted to say that I am glad for you and your son that the relationship is on the mend. Hope you all have a wonderful holiday together.