birth mom new here & needs help understanding??

I don't know how much I can help, but I can say....I know exactly how you feel!!! You are going through SO many emotion and have been since he was born so what you are feeling is totally normal and deserved. He on the other hand has his feelings that he has to feel and go through also. We don't understand why some adoptees act the way they do, but we must honor their decisions and CONTINUE to give them ALL the time they need to heal, and warm up to us!!!! I know it is so difficult but you must let him be. He will come around if and when he is ready. I have come to the conclusion that we must except what me can get....You can't "make" him realize how much you love him. You must continue to be patient or just back out completely!!! It is SO hard and my heart goes out to you....remember I know just how you feel. You are not alone....I Promise!!! At least he is contacting your daughter...That is a good sign in that he wants to know where he came from. She is probably a lot safer on his emotions!!! Just a Thought....;) I wish you the best of luck and many prayers....Staci :D

sorrowfulB.mom wrote..But how do I even have the right to be hurt here? I think reunion takes time and patience.. He may be more comfortable with your daughter.. I do my best to not judge my bsons actions.. I just keep telling myself that he is okay and no matter what happens I at least know this.. I do not believe we have to feel totally responsible for what happened when we relinquished.. Yes we got ourselves into some difficult situations and yes we relinquished because we made a decision that could not be taken back. But I bet most of us did the very best we could.. I believe that guilt can hurt a reunion.. I did everything I could to deal with my guilt before reunion.. I looked for and talked about and tried to deal with all my guilt issues where my bson is concerned.. I don't have to prove anything to him.. Or I don't feel I have to.. The siblings have no 'history'.. No real hard issues that need to be faced.. They are neutral.. Let him get to know you the way he is comfortable.. Jackie

Hi. I am so sorry that you are going through so much emotionally. The thing is that your b-son is probably going through emotions too. Being contacted, reunited, etc., is very emotionally overwhelming. I know it was for me. I am a reunited adoptee, who last August (2002) was reunited with members of my birth mom, Liz's family (my family). Liz died from injuries received in an automobile collission in November, 1977 (you can read my full story at adoption.com, emag, June 17, 2003 issue, story entitled "He Did This for Us.") I know at first it was like I was watching someone else's life unfold. Like I was there, but almost wasn't. I can barely remember the full details of my first meeting with my grandma, etc., because I was so "stunned." Next, I was very emotional, crying a lot, then came the anger, and now emotional again. Of course, we all know that boys tend to handle things different. Many men do not like to show their emotions, or tend to push them "under the rug" so to speak. I think your son is probably confused, and may feel even a bit of jealousy due to the fact that his sister was raised with you. Honestly if he would look at the total situation as you explained, you did the best for him. You felt his life was in danger if he stayed with you. You used your motherly instinct. I am sure not a day went by when you didn't think of him or miss him. I think he will come around in time. I don't think he used you to get to his sister, but he may feel drawn to her right now. Give it time, pray about it, and hang in there. God directed your lives back together. I think it will all work out. Love - Nikki

I am going through the same situation. Except my son does not even contact my daughters. It is so confusing because I feel like I am doing something wrong or saying all the wrong things to him. The only contact I have with him is through email and I am grateful for that. He will not give me his address or phone number. I feel he is scared I may bother him. I pray that your son will soon want to get to know you.

Thanks everyone for the valuable insites! A little update. I have heard from him 3 times now. The first letter he signed by saying: more later probably. The last he said, my letter (explaining the whole horrible story of why I gave him up), is "still sinking in". I can sure understand that! It haunts me on a regular basis. He also wants me to keep the emails coming, so that was VERY encouraging!! He signed the last letter, more later I PROMISE!! Oh ....be still my heart. All I can say is this is SO BIG!! I am so wanting him in my life! I can't believe I gave a whole person away!! I hope this all works out for him & I, and all of you. Merry Christmas! Thanks, ~Suzy~

I am so happy for you. I really am. I had told you all that my son does not contact me either. But I went to the mail today and got a Xmas card from his girlfriend. She signed it with his name also. I was so surprised and so happy. My heart hurts constantly because the way I feel I did give up a whole person but he is still my son and I so want him in my life. I will pray for myself and for all of you that everything works out for the best for us all. Merry Christmas and A Very Happy New Year

I was adopted at birth..... I found out when I was young that the people I loved and called family did not share my blood (which explains so much about my brother ;) ) . If my mother had come to me before I was ready to be found I would have been so very pissed.... the first thought many of us have when we find out is "whats wrong with me?" "What did i do?" It almost always is feeling that we were somehow to blame... and then follows the anger toward you for making us feel this way. Remember that we did not have the choice in what happened to us and will often blame you for all the bad things that ever happened to us with the thought "if they had of kept me it wouldn't of happened". You do need to look at the facts of the now though... he is still in contact with you..... it may be his GF that is emailing you .. but you can be sure he knows all that is said. He is reaching out to you in the least painful way for him right now.. . Through your daughter his sister, because she did not have a choice either she is safe and without blame. I don't want to hurt you ... just wanted to try to help you understand..... I am just one voice and by far not your sons.... Hope it helps Ali

Thanks so much for letting me see through your eyes! I can totally understand. In the mean time since my first post here, I have had about 10 emails from him and we are taking this at his pace. Boy, if it were up to me he'd be here right now! LOL! I am very impatient! I think we are getting to know each other a little at a time, very slowly.... but even when he doesn't email me for weeks, he'll send a short note to apologize for that, and ask me to keep emailing him in the mean time. I am so thankfull for this! I am hoping to, of coarse, meet him in the near future!! I am just hanging in here in the meantime, and thankfull that I've got 4 other wonderful children! I am still really blown away that he is emailng me at all!! This was sure never supposed to happen, it's soooo HUGE!!! Thanks for your kindness!! ~me~

dpen6 wrote..Please believe you really DID do the best you could with the tools you had AT THAT TIME. Its like full circle.. When I met my bson I got angry.. I got angry that life had conspired against me and I was not able to raise my son. The anger is gone now.. Accept what you can not change.. What wise words those are.. My grandson was born on my birthday.. They named him my name.. They did not know anything about me.. They did not know my name.. What a wonderful message that was.. It really was meant to be.. I went through hell and came out the other side.. And good came from that.. Jackie

I did not mean to imply that any one here did not do "what was best" for all parties at the time of adoption.... What I was trying to convey was the feeling an adoptee may feel..... It is not always about what was best for us through your eyes, but what we feel having lived our lives what would have been best. As we get older we understand everything happens for a reason but when you are young you just want to be loved and the deepest hurt is that the people who are supposed to love you ALWAYS AND NO MATTER WHAT, your parents, didn't love you enough to keep you. I know that it is usually more like they LOVED you enough to let you go... I have two children I know that it was hard for my Bparents to let go.... but when I was younger I only felt the pain of rejection. I do know everything in my life happened for a reason here is why I think that. I was giving up and my A mom and I had a rather bad relationship... at one point when I was 16 she sent me to stay the summer with family out of state. I hung out with my cousin and met his best friend who became my best friend. Years later I moved to be with him and we were married. We have a daughter. He died when she was a little over a year this caused me to move out of the town we lived in. I went to work for a man in the new town I lived in and his son worked with him.... We became friends and where married after 5 years together... we have a beautiful son. My point .. If it were not for me being adopted I would not have had the family to go stay with and my happiness now in my life would never be mine. I am glad now for the life I had... but when I was fighting with my Amom ... or crying for my lost love... all I felt was anger and pain that it never would have happened if they kept me. Again it is just one view. :)