Self-sabatoge

Hi Sammie I'm glad to hear you won't wait :) I've also found Nancy Verrier's book The Primal Wound: Understanding the Adopted Child really helpful I know that the book has stirred up some controversy on adoption forums, but personally, I think Verrier has a really good handle on why adoptees feel the way they do and struggle with those feelings. Her book has helped me to understand myself much more and I am learning to be much kinder to myself too Also you might be able to locate a support group in your area by going to [url]www.adoptioncrossroads.org[/url] This site lists support groups by state (((((big hugs))))) -Marijke

Hi gabi Hi all I relate!!! This is the third time I have tried to post this 3rd time lucky I have brought up this sabotage issue frequently at the support group I go to and I am learning to recognize that what I used to think of as self-sabotage is really my inner child, who is feeling very sad, frightened and angry, trying to protect herself from more pain the best way she knows how to. I am learning to comfort and heal my inner child The base line for all inner child work is for the adult me to recognize that ALL babies are loveable and ALL children are loveable. That what I experienced as abandonment as a baby as a child was not really abaondonment. Children are helpless in the world. The loss of mommy is terrifying. But we were not abandoned (thrown away) we were relinquished to adoption. Our mothers gave us up because they thought in the circumstances it was the best thing they could do for us. Adoption has NOTHING to do with the loveability of the child and EVERYTHING to do with circumstances of the mother. Once we as adults see this, it is time for us to explain this to our inner children, over and over again until they begin to believe it and feel it. THEN keep going because it feels good! I have an affirmation I try to say at least 4 times an hour; when I remeber to I say out loud in my head to my inner child: You are loveable. I know it doesn't feel like it, but it's true; you are loveable. What happened to you is not your fault. I love you. We're Okay. When my child feels angry I tell her it is okay that she feels angry. I won't punish her for that. I ask her if she would like to paint a picture that shows just how angry she is or if she would like to bang on some drums or pots and pans etc... (imagination is a great thing) ;) When I am feeling scared or anxious I check to see that nothinng is really going on and then I say to my inner child. It's Okay. I am here. We are safe relax. It's not happening now. I know it feels like it is, but it isn't. We're Okay. What happened to you then can never happen again. I know it feels like it can, but it can't. I am here. We are safe. I love you. We're Okay. Support groups are so important. They provide us with a safe place to express our feelings and to learn how to love ourselves. I hope this was helpful I know it helps me to write about it I'm reinforcing this for my inner child every time I write this so I guess the universe is helping me to repeat this good stuff as much as possible (by losing this post twice already!) lots of love to you all big and little -Marijke :)

"But we were not abandoned (thrown away) we were relinquished to adoption. Our mothers gave us up because they thought in the circumstances it was the best thing they could do for us. Adoption has NOTHING to do with the loveability of the child and EVERYTHING to do with circumstances of the mother." Thank you for saying this. I think it's very important for adoptees to know this! It's not like we were born and our mothers looked at us and said, "Eeewww! Don't like the look of that one! Think I'll give it up!" For most, it's an excruciating decision and if you look at the bmom threads, they struggle with it forever! GOOD OUTLOOK! -Karen

Hi Karen Thanks I work on solidifying this new outlook every day. I think reading the threads from mothers who gave up their children has helped me a lot to understand how it is mistaken to believe that our mommies didn't want us. All the stories I've read and heard are from women in circumstances with no support from society and tremendous PRESSURE to give up their babies. Invariably our mommies were told they were doing the best possible thing for us, that if they kept us that would be selfish, that they could never search for us-- that searching is illegal !! ? for example--and if they did search for us they would ruin our lives :( What we experienced as babies and children was mommy's here Mommy's gone! It is the psychological equivelant of mommy dying but no one helped us with this. Instead most of us were told "you're special" You were chosen by us (so we should be HAPPY right?!) :( but we don't feel happy about this so as children we soon learn to think that our feelings are wrong! :( Part of the inner child work is about learning (for the first time for most of us I think) that our feelings can't be wrong It's okay that we feel what we feel (not that it doesn't suck, mind you) We need to grieve our losses as well as correct our mistaken beliefs formed in childhood. That's why I advocate finding a support group to learn and heal with It's sooooo important!! We're Okay!! love to all Marijke

Hi all, I have read all of the posts . I am an adoptee and have had so much love given to me by my adopted family and extended family that I have grown up with out a doubt that I was one of the lucky ones . I have learned to give love and have received it back through myfamily, husband and his family. I feel that you are all seeing your adoptions as an afliction rather than seeing them as a chance to be happy, that your birth mothers wanted you to have all the best things she couldnt provide . Love yourselves for who you . lets face it your adopted parents and family fell in love with you why not give yourself a chance you may just find others will as well.

I am very new here but I can relate to your issues, I just turned 49 and still deal with the "good angel bad angel" sindrome to this day. Not as drastic as it used to be, but still there. I know a good amount of why I was adopted, born out of wedlock, and in the fifties that was a big "no no". I had an adoptive father who played the lie, "you are are real son" even though I was told I was adoptet at age 5 or 6 because of his pride. He actually had information about my birth mother that he burned so I couldn't get any info. I look in the mirror every day and woder "who am I and where do I come from", it hurts and makes me do things I wish I had not. I know I'm a good person but.........

I am very new here but I can relate to your issues, I just turned 49 and still deal with the "good angel bad angel" sindrome to this day. Not as drastic as it used to be, but still there. I know a good amount of why I was adopted, born out of wedlock, and in the fifties that was a big "no no". I had an adoptive father who played the lie, "you are are real son" even though I was told I was adoptet at age 5 or 6 because of his pride. He actually had information about my birth mother that he burned so I couldn't get any info. I look in the mirror every day and woder "who am I and where do I come from", it hurts and makes me do things I wish I had not. I know I'm a good person but.........

I think my relationship to my adoptive family more than having been given up for adoption has had a negative influence on me. I just can't handle feelings of success or happiness for very long. I always subconsciously mess things up but when I look back I can see that I was to blame for things failing. Just this weekend I did a search on the orphanage I was adopted from and the man in charge of the orphanage at the time of my adoption. It was not good stuff I found:( I posted a bit about it on the International Thai adoption board.

"that I am my own worst enemy. My life has been a series of bad choices. I am totally unable to make decisions and feel totally comfortable with them. I push people away, and try not to depend on anyone but myself. And if I do seem to be making progress (listening to that good angel) in anything, I do something to sabatage my efforts. Someone of this site the other day said I probably needed therapy, but won't ever go because I might find out that I really am a good person" When Tricia 3 said that, I thought to myself: "Wow there really ARE other people out there that feel exactly the same as I do" I believe that it comes down to a deep, dark fear. I have struggled to acknowledge this fear. I have never spoken of it aloud before. We are afraid that if we get close to someone in life, that they are going to abandon us down the road when the going gets tough. We have a connection with people that leave. Even if we are not angry or resentful towards our bparents, we are still afraid of people leaving us. We figure if we unconsciously sabotage something, then they will just go and get the "leaving part" over with. I hope that makes sense.

I feel like I sabotage myself in many of my decisions and choices. I feel that noone else really cared about me or wanted me to succeed when I was living with my real mother, so why should I try now, since everyone expects me to fail? I've come a long way, but my classmates all seem to be having an easy time of it while I struggle with myself every day.

Me too......in massive proportions.....my foot is so full of holes from the bullets I have shot through it and when it is not in my subconcious sights it's in my mouth....... we wonder why our self esteem suffers......

I'm a newbie to these boards. I'm 25 and i guess I'm just now coming to terms with the fact that my adoption has affected me. I've constantly suffered from ridiculously low self-esteem without reason. I've always done fine in school, had good relationships, etc. I also find that I put up a wall when I meet new people. It takes me a really long time to feel comfortable with people and get past the superficial talk. I really started realizing that something was not right with me when I was having really happy thoughts about marrying my boyfriend while at the same time getting really pumped to flee from him and start a "new" life. I've started several "new" lives, always searching for something that will fill this undefined void that I have. I've been reading about the psychological impact adoption can have on people, and tears just started pouring down my face unexpectedly. I'm glad to be able to share my experiences with people who can understand. On my emotional high, I was able to talk to my adoptive parents about getting in contact with my birth sister (we have the same parents). It felt really good to finally feel okay with bringing up the subject; I guess I'd pushed it back when I was growing up since I had enough trouble identifying with other kids and figuring out who I was.

Not an adoptee but an original mother. Have to say, however, that I agree 100% with your recommendation. I have spoken with many adoptees who have told me that this book helped them to understand themselves and that it also validated their feelings. It has also helped many original mothers to understand the children they relinquished for adoption and why some of them behave in the way that they do (which can be very puzzling for those who do not understand the issues). So Marijke, well done for that and I totally agree with your recommendation - for any adoptee or original parent who wants to understand.

Thank you Karen. Please be assured that there were probably incredibly few original mothers who really and truly did not want their child. As you rightly say, most of us were told that we really didn't have a choice if we wanted to do the right thing for our child. It really was a lifechanging thing to do, to want to keep your child and yet be told that you were no good and that another couple were better than you for your child. I would advise any adoptee to read the "birthmother" threads to see just how painful this was for most original mothers. It is even more painful for us now to read that so many of you felt abandoned or that we didn't love you and want to keep you and even to read adoptees saying that they hate us. Adoption was, in the "bad old days", a con. Many lies were told - to the original mother and, later, to the adoptee. Both hurt as a result. There is so much pain resulting from too many adoptions. I do hope, however, that all of us can try our very hardest to empathise (even though we perhaps will never fully understand each other's grief and pain) with each other and show compassion.

I am a self sabatoge(er)...always have been... I just try to catch it now and not keep it up anymore... Old habits die hard.... :rolleyes: Ang~ :flower: