You are not my "real" daddy

Although tough to hear, that's fairly normal. The less you react to it, the more likely it won't occur. Or, if the boys are normally empathetic, you may wish to discuss how this hurt you at a time when they are not angry or upset. I've answered this several ways depending on the kid saying it.(my kids were all adopted older) 1. Act shocked like I just found out they're adopted. 2. Answer Thank goodness and say nothing more. 3. I'm sorry you feel that way. 4. It's not o'kay to hurt people's feelings when you're angry. 5. Bummer, you're stuck with me 6. Great! that will save me a lot of money on clothes and food! I had to explain to my adopted teens that getting angry at your parents is not an adoption thing, it just gives them a little more verbal ammo. I told them bio kids just yell "I hate you/wish I wasn't born/why'd you have me?" But the anger was the same. Parents have rules and kids don't always like them. Sorry you're son said that to your wife. I remember how much it stung the first time a child said that to me.

How you might respond depends a lot on how old is the child, age at adoption, and your own personal makup. But, generally, in your situation I'd suggest something like the following, done in a quiet, accepting, and empathic manner: "When you say I'm not your real Dad, what do you mean? What is a real Dad?" This will help you understand the feelings underneath the words and behavior...which is what you want to be responding to; you don't want to respond to just the words or behavior. This could lead to a discussion about how your son is angry about something...or interested in understanding what it means to have two Dads, two Moms, etc....or something else. Try this. I'd be interested to hear what happens regards

I am step parent adoptee. I was adopted at age 12 but he has been daddy since I was a toddler. I said it when I was probably 7 or 8. I too my knowledge only said it once. I do not feel that way nor have I ever. I kept my maiden name as my middle name is I could still have my father's name. It is very common for adoptees to use it or say it. If it is said in the teens than you have a big problem on hands. Adoption is a very complex and very simple thing to understand. It is simple because it is love than binds the family together. It is complex because there is no DNA shared but somehow you are a father to them. It takes a while to understand fully. Like I said i was 12 when I was adopted so I wanted it and understood it more. I did worry if his love would stop if I was bad. I was a rebel for about 3 mos before the adoption. After the papers were signed I went back to school and the rest was history. Now my dh and I are saving for our own adoption. Kara Saving for a Vietnamese adoption Adoptee (step above parent)

The funny thing is this is not even adoption related. children who are not adopted say the same thing...My children at one time or another have uttered this exact statement. They are not adopted, though my son has a different father than the one who is raising him. The are both his real dads. I also get I wish I was adopted my other parents would treat me better, or buy me this..ect. I totally agree with the first answers to your post. Age appropriate answers of course. Hugs Melissa

I'm a 39 year old adoptee, who, at several times in my "tween and teen" years uttered those words.....to my knowledge, every friend of mine who is adopted (and I have A LOT of adopted friends :D ) ALSO said it! I can also give you just as many instances where friends of mine, who were biological children of their parents who said "I wish I had been ADOPTED"! :D It's no different than saying "I hate you"....or any of the other nasty, snide remarks that kids make growing up -- it means nothing, really -- just a way to blow off steam and assert some of that budding independence. :D Goes right along with the eye rolling and the foot stamping and slamming doors and cabinets -- okay, so maybe that's more "girl" behavior ;) , but you get what I mean! :D Your boys are nine....pretty soon -- if they aren't already -- they're going to start getting moody and closing their bedroom doors more often and not telling you everything that went on at school. Instead of blow by blow accounts of their days, when you ask how things went at school, you will get a shoulder shrug and an "it was okay, I guess" as they brush by on their way to their rooms. It's inevitable, at least from my view point..... Your sons are normal as normal can be, and they will have outbursts of "independence" from now until they are -- oh -- thirty? Not to worry...one day....at about 35...they will clue in to the reality that you are, once again, the end all and know all of their lives. :D All in a parent's day! Hugs, Sally

I wouldn't worry about it to much, kids say a lot of things out of anger. I do like Lucyjoy's answers (I like #5 best but they all sound good). Dr Art also makes a good point about talking about why they feel that way. I am guessing if you sit down and talk with them right after one of them says something like that they probably will say "I don't know", but talk about it for a few minutes and let them know how that makes you feel because they are your REAL son's (make sure that you tell them that they are your son's and they will be your son's forever).