They all leave

:D Yessssssssss!!!!! Thank you for that! I could really feel the passion in your words. And I am absolutely thrilled with your self-discovery. Some never achieve that in thier life and you did it. For everyone it's a different journey but the bottom line is that we have to love ourselves and accept our own guilt, mistakes, failures, etc. When you fully connect with your inner-self (the little girl) you will become one with your soul. AMEN! I wish you the best and good luck on your quest! Michelle

Thank you for the wonderful comments. It's amazing how clear something that was so hidden seems now!! There is still so much work to do but I hope even just one other person can be helped by my words!!!

"And this is my epiphany. When I am in a relationship with someone, I have a protective shield up. I dont want to get hurt and I donҒt want them to leave me, I find fault in them easily and almost always cheat. But, when I truly let my guard down, and believe that the person will love me and will NOT leave me, the hurt little girl comes out. And then I become clingy. All my fears and abandonment issues and insecurities come to the surface, subconsciously. And then because the part of me that needs love but is so afraid of losing it comes out, and this part of me is undeveloped and has not grown (because its been pushed down and avoided all these years) I start to smother the person. I become emotionally a desperate 3 year old girl that is afraid to lose love. I cling dearly to what I am most afraid of losing. And then, because I smother them, they leave! I push them away. And that is my self-fulfilling prophecy!" Replace little girl for little boy and you have me pegged! Have been doing the same thing and it finally drove the person i am in love with away. Now I know what I am doing it is a process of dealing with it. I believe the main point is to come to some understanding of yourself and to centre yourself, this is how I am getting over it-and I know next time I will be able to stand alone while being together in a relationship. Thanks JJ

It's so weird and wonderful to know that other people experience the same things as I do. It seems so amazingly clear to me know, my 'pattern' and yet it took me 31 years to realize it. Or maybe I can say it took 25 years since it took a few to start the problem! I feel strongly that just knowing is going to make a world of difference the next time I start to really care for someone BUT I also realize that that alone will not be enough. I still have to work through and resolve the emotions that will inevitably come to the surface. I think, if I am honest with myself, I can also add that other pattern I have tends to be getting involved with men that for some reason pose a challenge. Men that are emotionally 'unavailable'. I don't know if *getting them to love me despite all the odds* plays a part in it too, and then when they run I find myself stunned by it. I also very recently fell in love with someone. I felt that we had an incredable connection and a truly wonderful relationship. I felt that with him I found something that I have never found before. BUT he DOES NOT want to be in a relationship and even though I thought I was being more independent, we lived together temporarily because it was necessary, and in that 2 month time frame he went nuts because of the intensity of the relationship. He also told me he couldn't maintain that level, something I have heard from another ex. I know I need to bring the intensity down a few notches, but that is something I am unsure of how to do. I guess as I grow I will learn to do this naturally? But right now I am dealing with the loss of a love that was truly magnificent to me, and trying to learn from this at the same time. I also accept that whatever my flaws, when someone truly loves you, they don't run away without trying at all to work through things. THAT is what love is about and I need to realize that means the other persons love for me was not what mine was for him. Even with my issues, I think that accepting that and not just depairing over being abandoned is a healthier way of dealing with the loss.

darwin - really good self assessment. i can relate to some of it. thanks. also (as i can't seem to post a new thread, but can post responses)... i am an adoptee that can relate to what people have to say on this forum, though wonder how much of my own experiences is attributable to adoption, or to other factors. does anyone have info on the incidence of mental health issues among adoptees relative to the general population and what some of the thinking is re any correlations of being adopted with mental health issues? for example, i wonder what the relationship might be of adoption with obsessive compulsive personality disorder, borderline personality disorder, ADD... any info on other web resources (forums, etc.) re the above, maybe especially that might have responses by health care professionals? thanks!

Hey Darwin, Thanks so much for posting that. I can completely relate. I have had many of the same thoughts. LuckyDog

Oh. My. God. I just had an epiphany of my own, Darwin. Sometimes it just takes looking at it from a different angle I guess. I have been trying to understand my relationship pattern for a long time. And that is it. That is absolutely me in every single possible way. It's honestly....I'm speechless. And hysterical crying. But it feels so good to finally get it. Thank you.

The story of my life. I am currently going through losing a man I love dearly. I am being very stubborn about the whole thing. I don't want to say good-bye to him. I don't want to miss him. There are too many people in my life I have to miss and I don't want to add him to the list. I know I won't be able to allow myself to be open to the chance of meeting someone and enjoying getting to know them only to evently have to miss them. I've decided: As long as I never say hello I will never have to say good-bye. But then there is my biggest fear in life, that when I die I will be alone in my heart. It seems that I am somehow allowing what I don't want to become a reality. I don't know what to do.

I don't know if anyone here watches Dr. Phil, but he has this saying which I totally agree with: "What we fear, we create". How true is that??????? Is it also possible that in addition to clinging to people due to insecurities that you may also be constantly "testing" them as well? I have found myself doing that repeatedly over the years as I look back. I occassionally even catch myself pulling that on my husband now as well (although I am ashamed to admit it). It's like we create situations to see how they will react, and are seeking proof that they love us. Looking for constant reassurance. Over and over again.......I'm sure that could really wear on a person after a while......I know it has on my husband a few times. Lucky for me, we've been together 17 years, so we've learned to be pretty tolerant of eachother, but even so.......... Just something to think about, I guess......

I can agree with this, as I often feel like I put myself in a situation where the guy has the potential to "prove me wrong". But ---- why is it each one DOES, in fact, prove me Right?? I cannot imagine myself so intollerable that not a single guy who claims to "love" me, can actually do just that: love me. I have known hideous shrews who manipulate, dominate, and annihilate their mates, all the while these men keep begging for more. I am in a situation where I am able to start dating after a hideously dysfunctional and asexual marriage. I am petrified of History repeating itself... but already, I have found myself finding the men who want, desire, and fall madly in-love with me, and just as quickly and desperately, LEAVE. Suddenly. Without a fight, argument, of even a discussion! Why is it so easy to Get, and impossible to Keep?

Darwin - It's like your reading my mind! I can't believe how closely your words resonated with my experiences. In fact, I'm going through the most recent loss right now. The thing is, I started very intensive therapy early this year with a well-qualified specialist in adoption-triad issues. By the time I got together with someone who I'd been in love with for many years, I was doing good work and becoming very aware of my patterns and uncovering the subconscious motivations behind my actions and developing a close, loving relationship with my relinquished toddler self. It's all supposed to help, right? Wrong. The frustrating thing is that despite working so hard and having my therapist practically holding my hand, the same exact thing happened. I honestly don't know where to go from here. Please keep sharing your experiences & development on this issue because I really want to see you succeed! Oh & I have exactly the same pattern of getting together with men who give the 'hard sell' as a male friend of mine puts it. They tell me how amazing I am and how lucky they are and how long they've searched for a committed relationship with someone like me. And I'm psyched. So I believe them and go along with it... because yeah, I am amazing and they are lucky! But I always take it pretty slow because I don't want to jump into anything. No matter how slow I take it, as soon as I start to let them in a little bit, they suddenly aren't ready for a relationship. It's like magic, I tell ya. Anyone on here successfully negotiated this issue? Or have an idea of what's causing this?

Try not to be so hard on yourself ( I know.....easier said than done). Sounds like you have made incredible progress!! Try to keep in mind that bad things happen to even the most well adjusted people. Just because a relationship failed, does not mean that you are to blame. There is NOT always a reason, sometimes things just happen and we never know why..............I think you should be proud of all of the hard work you have put into yourself. You go girl!!!!!!!!!!! Hugs,Karen

Wow! Thank you for sharing. That is me in every single way. I had that epiphany when I was going through my divorce with my ex-husband in 1999. My mother had passed away at the same time. For the first time in my life, I felt so extremely alone. I went through examining my entire life and I recognized the testing behavior pattern. The pushing away, clinging close and feeling insecure.I still deal with those issues, but through the awareness and growth from it, you will find yourself. I am now married to a wonderful man who "gets" me because I know myself. Best of luck to you and you are on a wonderful path of inner discovery. :)

I just found this forum, and have been studying it all evening. Your post prompted me to join and reply. I'm going through the same thing, in my own way, with marital issues that surfaced after 34 years of marriage - and I realized it is connected with my adoption. I'll probably address those in a thread of my own, but in the meantime thanks so much for putting into words I can relate to. Bob H

I am 32, single, no kids, a full time job, totally independant & in the same boat. I was not adopted, but I have some childhood trauma from my first stepfather. Frankly I don't want to be decieved & then trapped into a bad relationship. Talk about a commitment-phobe! It seems to me that the only guys that keep interest are the ones that are either crazy or unavailable, & all the nice guys that I like run away. Sometimes I think it's me, sometimes I think it's them... who knows?