Visit with former foster parents - Need Advice

i really have no advice for you, but i just wanted to say that i am so excited that you have kept a relationship with the foster parents. i have two friends who have had many, many, foster children that were eventually adopted and they can only count a few that still even keep in contact with them, much less see each other and they are much closer distance than you guys!! good luck, i will be looking forward to see how things go.

wow, what a thoughtful gift. IM sure their foster mom is excited. All of our kids have pasts and as some are painful, some are not. To cherish the people in their pasts that helped them and they cared for is wonderful. I know with our 5 yr olds foster mom. she had such a hard time giving him up, she had him for 3 yrs. The problem what we have, we have kept in contact with her, she is wonderful. We sent our first yr family together video to her and she loved it. we always send cards and pictures to her. Ohhhh, the problem, i digress....lol. Our 5 yr old son has no interest in seeing her. we did have a smooth transition with him (due to the foster mom) and he knows that he is with us forever and doesnt have the desire to see her. If we mention to go visit, he whines then he says, "only for a minute but i want to stay in the car" i think he has this fear that he will remain with her. He does make up stories about her (not nice ones) and we know they arent true. He does talk to her on the phone after we call her, and seems happy to talk to her. But wont say he wants to call her when we ask. I think if his foster mom can take a break and come see us at our house, it will be different but she cant. anyway, i would love the update on this visit after christmas to see how your children handled it. dadfor2

Our boys foster mom, Debbie, had them from 4 month and 18 months of age for three years. She made a selfless decision not to adopt because she thought that they would be in a "better place" with us. I OWE HER a ton -- more than i can ever re-pay ... she parented my kids for THREE YEARS with love when I wasnt there to do it (of course then I Didnt know they were my kids but still.... ) We are the first people to keep in contact with her out of all the kids she has fosterparented. And yes, she was thrilled at the offer as she had just let a little guy guy that same day to an adoptive home that she had had for over 2 years and was feeling sad. I dont think she has ever done anything for herself EVER ... this will be a wonderful opportunity to bless her back! DadtoTwo -- Our sons went through that at that age as well (not wanting to talk with foster mom). I just explained and explained and explained that she had loved them very much and it was repectful for us to talk nice to her and send pictures and all ... I KNOW deep down it was important to them to have contact with her (how could it not be ... she was their mommy for 3 years!) but they had those other "scary" feelings out of loyalty to me and our family. My boys also made up stories about the foster mom after placement ... I made her a promise that I wouldnt believe half of what they told me if she wouldnt believe half of what they told her in their phone calls. We laugh now at some of the stories they came up with ... but I think it was their way of dealing with how their "mommy" (her) could give them away to me (new mommy). Time and maturity changes all that and now my boys "remember" stories that go along with their pictures and the videos we have of foster mom. What I am concerned about with the visit is that I think it might cause regression or fear and how to deal with it. I do think it will be so nice for her to be in our home and see the boys in their own space without her having to deal with all the bunches of kids she normally has in her own home. Thanks for the comments ... keep them coming!

hi jensboys thanks for that, sometimes i never know what is normal or what it isnt....lol. I do have a feeling that if she is going to your house, your boys will be ok. I think seeing her in their old foster home might have some regression. They probably will have some feelings either way, but i think its great on what your doing. Is this a christmas present? maybe you should let them know before she comes, this way they have time to digest it. Im not sure if a surprise might be the way to go due to the situation. But you know your kids best. I do agree, my son had a foster mom for three years before us, and it is a valid relationship, i even took a picture of her and had it framed and placed by his bedside. he doesnt really care if its there or not, but i think its important. even my 7 yr olds foster mother, which i have no respect for, but thats a whole other story.....i have a picture of her by his bed also. this relationship was important to him, and i will cherish it for him, he doesnt need to know how she screwed up, or my feelings around her. All of our kids do have pasts, and for us not to recognize it is awful. ive been working on their life books, its been about 1 month...talk about painful....AHHHH!!!!!! But i think it will be important later on. Didnt realize all the work that goes into one, it seemed so easy when i was reading up on it....lol thanks again on your experience about foster mom with boys, i guess i shouldnt worry.....Fat chance, like thats going to happen.....lol dadfor2

That's really cool of you Jensboys. I read in some book (probably A Childs Journey Through Placement or in Helping Children Cope with Separation and Loss) that when a child is moved to a new home, the previous caretaker should visit as soon as possible, then after a long time later, the child should go for a visit to the previous caretaker. I think the point was the kid would see things (the previous family, the bedroom, the local school, etc) from a later stage of maturity. I just got to go visit my ex-fd this past weekend (she left the weekend before Thanksgiving). I had mentioned to her parents what the book said about a visit as soon as possible, and they were totally great about it. They had put the huge picture of me and her on her bedroom wall (I don't know why the Walmart photo package includes such a big picture, it was embarrassing, I hope they don't think I'm some sort of egomaniac) and my ex-fd was happy to see me. I took along my pathetic attempt at a Lifebook for her (dadfor2 you really hit the nail on the head, when I read about life books they sounded so easy, but it was simply a hopeless task, so my result was more like a combination of photoalbum, scrap book, and typed up notes about things she'd said, things her sister had said about her, things her caseworker had said, and a list of some of the fun things we did together), and we went through most of it while we were at McDonalds. She got really silly, so I think some of it must have stirred up some unresolved feelings. She seems to be happy enough. Her parents are treating her like a regular kid, so I suspect she might not feel loved enough, but probably that will come with time. She is starting to open up a little bit with them already. And when I told her it was time to go home (leave McDonald's) she looked rather horrified and said 'not to YOUR home!', so I had to quick reassure her that I only meant it was time for me to take her to HER home. I was really glad I went, I had started to feel like it might be a lot of unnecessary trouble, since she only lived with me 3 1/2 months and her new home is 600 miles away, but she was so happy to see me, and hugged me and sat on my lap and did our special things together (e.g., during the car ride say 'warning!' very quietly and then scream at the top of her lungs, that was one of her old favorite activities when she lived with me, she is very proud of how loud and high pitched she can scream! ha!). So it was very worth the trip. And after I got back home her parents talked to me to find out if there were any adjustment problems she might have told me that they ought to know about so they could work on them. But she seemed her usual happy self, the only real complaint was that her neice got more toys than they got her (this is a kid with a zillion toys already), and her father said the niece had been making the same complaint that my ex-fd was getting more presents than she was! So I guess there is going to be a little bit of sibling-like rivalry between the little girls! ha