How open do you need to be?

I have a very open adoption. Some say it is more open than most, but for me it is what felt most natural. The adoptive parents and I met 3 weeks before the due date. The baby was born 2 weeks late and by then we had exchanged last names, phone numbers, addresses... We decided in the very beginning that we would have phone and mail contact and visits twice a year. After the first visit went as well as it did, we decided to have another and another and another... We have spent so much time together at this point that I don't even get nervous before going to see them. I don't feel uncomfortable at all. It feels just the same as going to see almost anyone else in my life. The adoptive parents are also just as comfortable. One night their babysitter cancelled at the last minute. They had important plans to be out of town overnight and couldn't have the children (my birthdaughter and her younger sister, who is also adopted) with them. What did they do? They called my sister and asked if she could watch the girls for the night. She did, and now it happens all the time. The girls love going to visit her, my sister loves having them and the parents get a few hours alone together. Because my only experience with adoption is my own, it is really hard to understand why some people are so afraid of openness. Someone asked the adoptive parents if they worried about the birthmother taking the baby. Their response was "No, we know where she lives!" Then they became a little more serious and said that I made the adoption decision because I wanted the best life for the baby. Why on earth would I shatter her entire life by taking her away from the only parents and home she has ever known? It is so absurd that they don't waste their time worrying about silly things like that.

hi, my daughter turned 2 in dec. and we are part of a very open adoption. the more research i did the more i found that most adoptees have an unquenchable thirst of information about their birth families. if they don't have or get it then it can be a source of great pain in adulthood. so i decided that not only would we wait to be selected by a birthmother, but we would wait for a woman who we felt comfortable inviting into our lives. we said no to 3 woman who wanted us to raise their children. it was the hardest thing i've ever done. but when i met N i knew immediately that she was the one. we have a great relationship. we talk often, trade pictures and visit when we can (we live on opposite coasts). it is my intention that my daughter (sofia) will never remember being told that she was adopted, that she will remember that her birthmother and her other siblings have always been a part of her life. and though her family is a little unusual, it is happy and healthy and always was. open adoption doesn't have to be scary. it can be a pretty cool, albeit different, way to be a parent

This is how we felt in the beginning too. LDSFS is now leaving any openness up to the triad. The child belongs legally to ldsfs for the first 6 months which is why they have rules. After 6 months it is all open to WHATEVER....The important thing is to clearly communicate throughout the entire process. Don't just wait to discuss it and then at the 6 mo part decide no more contact. Openess is nothing to fear if you are matched with normal decent bparents. It seems like a lot of "work" at first but bparents become like in-laws...an extension of your family....and all the aparents in my FSA group (with the exception of one) Love the bparents dearly and even the mention of their names bring a intensity of emotion that moves them to tears. I decided early on that I wouldn't accept a match unless I felt this kind of love for the bparents. All this aside, the access to medical information is INVALUABLE. As is the abilty to answer ALL your child's questions and allay ALL her/his fears.

I just wanted to say I think it is wonderful that you are seeking information and advice from birthmothers before you make your decision about openess in your adoption. You sound like a caring individual and a great mom. I wish the best for you. -Ginny

I just placed my baby through LDSFS at the beginning of this month. I would not have placed my son for adoption if I wasn't even able to recieve pictures and letters throughout his life. I love my son's adoptive family and they love me very much too...they are what got me through this whole thing. Knowing that I am going to get to see pictures and read letters about him is the only thing that is getting me through this. Some adoptive couples may be nervous about birthmoms or think of them as a threat. But birthmoms really just want to be able to know how their babies are doing....they want to be able to know as much about them as they can- from their favorite color to their favorite vegitable! LDSFS may have a say over that first 6 months, but after the adoption is final the baby is legally, morally, and eternally the new couple's. The amount of correspondence between the adoptive family and the birthfamily is COMPLETELY up to them. I think that both the adoptive family and birthparents should discuss what they want regarding continued contact, and they should work something out that they are both comfortable with. This requires A LOT of prayer and patience. Be honest with the birthmom regarding how much contact you want. It'd be horrible to "sugar coat" it just so the birthmom will feel better about placing her baby with you. If the birthmom wants a more open adoption then what you want, then she can and probably will choose a different family. As hard as that may be for you to bear, you do need to realize that is a risk you take. And its not like the birthmom is being selfish either. When I placed my son for adoption, my main concern was his life, and then mine. I didn't consider my baby a gift to the couple. I considered the adoptive family a gift to my baby. And they had to be perfect for him and me.

That was a wonderful perspective. Thanks so much for sharing your view point on the issue! It is greatly appreciated (at least by me! lol)

Most birthmothers want an open adoption with contact. In this day and age open adoption is more acceptable and wanted more. In my opinion open adoption is best for the children.

I agree with both of your points: how important it is to the adopted children to know everything about their birthfamilies and have continued contact throughout their lives, and that in order to accomplish that the birthparent(s) and p-adoptive parents need to feel comfortable with each other. It's a lifelong relationship and partnership in making the right choices for the child. That's why we are going the routes that we are: independent through an attorney at the same time as an agency that will allow us to meet and select the birthparent(s). For some agencies, choice is only for the birthparent(s) -- I just see that as a risk to open adoption agreements to leave p-adoptive parents out. My family is a blended one with branches and roots growing in all directions. We are an extremely understanding bunch, but whenever thoughts or feelings are withheld, or truths unknown, that's where pain and loss festers. Imaginations are just so powerful and can cause so much damage, where truth and openness paves the easier path. It's like that saying, "If you think education is expensive, try ignorance." I think there's a corallary in adoption where education is truth about a child's roots and family, and the expense is emotional cost.

Open adoption is the best because it helps the child or children understand their backgrounds and they get so much more out of the open adoption. I know some adoptees and they came from a closed adoption and the closed adoption hurts them. One of my friends doesn't even speak to his adoptive parents now because they shut his birthmother out once they got him. He is 19 now. I really wish the adoptive parents that want a closed adoption could speak to the adoptees that I know and they could really tell them what closed adoption does to them and how it makes them feel.

Hi! I would say that in ALL instances, it depends on the situation. I actually have quite a few adult adoptee friends and many of them say they they have no desire to contact their birth parents and they have lived happy and productive lives. Some of them have even had the opportunity to search with the aparents support, but they just did not feel a need. I know that there are examples for every point of view but I know that an open adoption is not always the best or even necessary. And, in the cases of abuse, sometimes it is better closed. Just my 2 cents! I know some people are pationate about open adoptions and I can see how open adoptions are wonderful things for some people and not for others. As is everything in life, it just depends! :) :) LBL

I would just say that with open adoption there is a choice, not the mandate. With closed that option is either not available or extremely difficult as searchers on these boards have demonstrated.

LDSFS basically has rules and guidlines for the first 6 months and after that, they are for the most part, out of the picture. It is up to you to set guidlines with your birthmother. I think you should only do what is comfortable for you, but being open with pictures and letters is not a big deal. My husband and I adopted a year ago, and at first I felt like I was co-parenting. But now it is so much better. I actually look forward to sending the birthparents pictures and a letter about my daughter once in a while. They are the only 2 people on earth that love her as much as we do!! Also note: after the baby is leagally adopted, the birthparents have no rights. They are at your mercy as to anything they get. What are a few pictures and letters going to hurt, as long as you know they are moving on? I think it is devastating for the birthparents to give up all contact--it's as if you bonded with your child for 9 months and then had to never see it or hear how it is doing again. That's scary and not healthy! Still, the decision is up to you and the birthparents and should be decided on beforehand in my opinion. In my experience, having the birthparents in your lives is fine, as long as they understand they will never be physically present in the childs life until the child is old enough (21!)...for the childs sake. Hope that helps!

i am both an adopted child myself and a prospective adoptive parent. My adoption was closed, and my parents were very open about telling both me and my sister (also adopted) that we were adopted. I have always known and never had a need to search. As an adult when I found out about Non identifying info I could not help but pursue and got a narrative that answered a lot of my questions. I have been reading lots of posts to try and help me make my decision on whether or not to have an open or closed adoption. Someone in this thread wrote that if it is open you can choose what degree of contact and gain a lot of information that could be shared with the child, but if you choose closed then your options end there. I had not looked at it that way. I suppose I am very scared that I won't feel like it is my child, I know that sounds a little selfish. On the other hand I think it would be nice to let the birth mother see pictures and letters, after all this is the one person who will give me the greatest gift I have ever recieved!! It will be hard not to let others influence me too much in either direction (meaning friends and family). I wonder what it would be like if i had an open adoption, I doubt the events of my life would be very different. thanks all this was a helpful thread to read.

Hi I know how you are feeling about an open adoption, Our son is 4 yrs old now and when we first started the adoption paper work we did not want anything to do with an open adoption. We went to all the classes and they did help us to understand what open adoption really meant, we were very scared, when we met our son's b-mom we knew it was meant to be we were very open about how we felt and we let her know we were not going to make any promises that we could not keep. We send pictures through out the year and we talk to her at least every other month, when our son was first born she did not want to see him it was when he was about 6 months old when she first visited and at first she would come visit at least every 3 months and now she see him at his birthday and at x-mas. It is important for you to be as honest as you can, the b-mom is going to be as scared as you are and really all she wants is to make sure he is ok and to beable to see where he lives so when she thinks about him she can picture him in his home in his room with his toys and bed. Our b-mom has told us that the only way she was able to go on with relieve is because she see how well he is doing and how much e is loved. Can you imagine giving your child up and never knowing where they are or knowing how they are being treated. I hope you find the adoption that is good for you.

I was adopted as a baby and never knew where I came from and was always curious of the unknown. When I went to college, I became pregnant and my boyfriend and I chose to give our baby up for adoption. He didn't want to do this but I knew I wasn't ready and was adopted myself so only viewed adoption as a positive thing. I told my mom and she helped me find a family through our church. I thought how does one choose a family? When I met them, I knew right away, they were the ones. They already had an adopted daughter and wanted another child. It reminded me of my own sister and I. In the beginning, we exchanged pictures and I was at the baptism. It was a healing process for me to have correspondance or pictures, videos, phone calls. It seemed like alot in the beginning but now I've moved on and talk to them maybe twice a year or so. I've learned to be once removed, just knowing she is ok is fine with me. It was all a process I had to get through. I knew I made the right decision by seeing pictures of the happy little family I put her in and made me move on. Now I literally have to think of when was she born again? Not that I dont care, just that I have gone forward in my life. Im just glad she went to a family I chose and not an unknown one always wondering if they were criminals or child molesters, I know that sounds drastic but me not knowing would of killed me. Its hard to give up a child because you grieve like you would a death and then go through jealous and anger feelings. Now I get a picture in the mail and ust simply smile that I completed a family. Maybe someday I'll look up my birth mom to thank her for giving me a good life and let her know I went to a good home. I would think it would be hard not knowing. I guess I am trying to say its all a process for the birth mom to get over because its hard not being able to know that you cant give the child what the other family can. I am sure its comforting to the birth mother that she is still cared about and not just left high and dry.